


Why you gotta kick me when I’m down

by MichelleCP



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series), Karate Kid (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Cobra Kai Dojo, Domestic Violence, Family Issues, Friendship, Friendship & Family relationships, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mentors, Slow Burn, Student-teacher bonding, Swearing, mostly canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 47,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29517591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichelleCP/pseuds/MichelleCP
Summary: Beth has had enough of her stepdad beating the shit out of her and her mom. When she sees the new neighbor boy do some badass karate at school, she is intrigued.Little does she know that the grumpy drunk from across the hall is his Sensei. How is she supposed to take him seriously, when she decides to join the Cobra Kai dojo?And will her learning karate be enough to keep her mom and herself safe?About friendship and strength and the family you choose.
Relationships: Johnny Lawrence & Original Female Character
Comments: 63
Kudos: 34





	1. I see you

**Author's Note:**

> I am not a native English speaker, so please have mercy (ha! good one! ;D)!

**1 - I see you**

The sound of a shattering glass wakes me up. I am fully awake immediately.  
Another one. Great. Soon we have to buy new glasses.  
And he has to pay for them. What an idiot.  
In the semi-dark, I fumble for my phone and suppress a curse when the display doesn't light up. The battery is dead. Hastily, I search for the old alarm clock in the nightstand drawer.  
8:23 a.m.  
_Fuck._  
I have to go, I have to run to get to at least second period on time.  
Still, I stay in bed. And wait.  
This morning, I don't have the nerve to deal with my mother and her husband. Not today.  
I wait until the loud discussion in the kitchen dies down. Until the door slams shut. Once, twice.  
Now I literally jump out of bed, rush to the bathroom, get ready within ten minutes. Ready is perhaps a bit too much, but at least I no longer look like I've just fallen out of bed.  
I unplug the phone from the charger - 10% will have to do.  
8:55 a.m.  
"Fuck, fuck fuck!", I curse loudly this time, hurry out the door, hop on my bike and cycle to school as fast as I can.  
The schoolyard is empty and I try to sneak through the hallways, which of course I don't succeed in doing unseen. Detention. Great.  
Still, I'm only a few minutes late and lower my head as I enter the classroom, hoping Mr. Rickman won't address me and avoiding any eye contact. Briefly, I feel his gaze at my back, and the classroom goes quiet. But at least he spares me today, probably sighing, shaking his head, and instead asks Lisa Riley if she can read the next assignment.  
I press my fingers to my temples, squint my eyes once I'm settled at my desk. And wish for this day to just to be quickly. 

"What an idiot!" Jacky rolls her eyes in annoyance as I tell her why I was late. "Your stepdad is one of the dumbest people I know." She shakes her head.  
"Yeah, tell me about it." I laugh, shaking off what's between the lines to just quickly change the subject before the other girls join us at the lunch table. "Did I miss anything important in math?"  
Jacky grins.  
"You're really serious about this _I'm-doing-something-for-my-future phase_ , huh, Beth?"  
I shrug my shoulders.  
“I just don't want to end up like my parents.” I lower my gaze. It is incredibly nasty to think that, saying it is even harsher. But it is the truth. I don't want to live in a sucky apartment all my life, I don't want to be dependent on a partner all my life. Jacky knows that.  
The others don't. Which is why I grin widely when Lydia and Malia sit down with us.  
"Weren't you going to start doing something for your future now?" Lydia wiggled her eyebrows, nudged me with her shoulder. “How many weeks have you done this now? One?” She laughs, she doesn't mean it, she never does. So I lower my gaze and shrug my shoulders.  
“When the battery is empty, it is empty,” I explain, which also makes Malia smile, but she looks at me for a moment longer than necessary. Malia doesn't know much about me, except in case Jacky said something, which I hope she didn’t. She doesn't know much and yet she seems to have seen through my facade long ago. She just got into West Valley High this year. She’s always helpful and one of the best friends you could ask for. Still, we haven't quite managed to break through this invisible wall.  
While the others are talking about what to do on the weekend - I actually have to study, so I don't even want to listen - I watch the room. People watching. I like to do that, not to be a stalker, but because it's interesting. We are so caught up in our own life, while every single human soul has its own story. And we don't even know a whiff of it.  
One of the popular sophomore girls stops short in the middle of the room. Chic blue dress, perfect curls. One of those rich girls. I'm about to turn away from her when she goes to her usual table, but she is told off by the girls there. Maybe not that popular anymore, huh? Now she wants to sit down at another table, but nobody wants her there either. I frown, suppressing a grin because this seems to get more interesting by the minute. Annoyed, she walks over to a group of guys, pats one of them on the shoulder and uh -  
Now I sit up straight. Real drama incoming! She confronts him. I can't understand their babbling, but seconds later the girl throws the guys food tray on the floor.  
Suddenly she has the attention of the whole cafeteria. My table also goes silent, a murmur goes through the room.  
“Hey guys!” The guy calls out now. “You know that billboard with a big-ass dick on it? I guess Sam takes after her dad!” He grins.  
I put my hands over my mouth, suppress a laugh. Oh no, he didn’t ! There is laughter which seems to reassure him. What an asshole!  
"Hey Kyler!" Shouts another boy, throwing his tray on one of the tables - oh wow! I widen my eyes.  
"That’s my neighbor!" I whisper to Jacky and the others. "What does he want to-"  
"Why don't you shut the hell up and stop being such an asshole?”  
He’s actually doing it. He walks up to this Kyler guy, who pushes him aside. A couple of people - his friends? - now straighten up too.  
Kyler is babbling something about karate and my neighbor replies with the words " It's not lame-ass karate! It’s Cobra Kai!" Whatever that means.  
And then suddenly everything escalates. Every damn student gets out their cell phone and films. I can't blame them. I jump up myself, but I'm too fascinated to film it - my battery is too low anyways.  
There are often fights at school. But not like that. This really has to be something like karate. Punches, screams, kicks.  
“No mercy!” Shouts a girl enthusiastically.  
Wow.  
Four against one. And he actually manages to have them all on the ground after a few moments. I’m very impressed and have to join in the applause he gets. Maybe this new neighbor boy is more interesting than I thought.

And this actually makes me even more curious. Karate, huh? Where did he learn that? To be able to defend myself like this ...  
Maybe I would never have to come up with an excuse for a black eye again.

I want to catch him after school, but he's long gone after detention. Instead, I sit on the windowsill in my room with my dinner and stare outside, like I always do when I have nothing better to do, slash hide away as soon as Chris (aka Mr. Asshole aka my stepdad) decides to demolish half the apartment. It's quiet today, but I don't want to miss the boy next door.  
I also enjoy watching people outside. The boy's mother looks nice, the three of them live there, if I'm not mistaken. Her, her mother and Mr. Karate. We have another older lady next door, a middle-aged white grumpy dude across the hall, and a few small families. Watching the children play outside always calms me down, even if it's a little sad that they only have this tiny space next to the cars and trash cans. But today I'm just looking for him. And my heart is already beating a little faster. Usually I just watch, I never interact. That feels unnatural. But maybe this karate could be a real opportunity. I always thought that dojos like that no longer existed, but maybe I was wrong.  
It’s already dark when the white grumpy dudes parks his old, red Pontiac pulls up, presumably with a beer in his hands already when he gets out. I roll my eyes. But then I sit up straight in surprise. The boy gets out of the passenger door. _What the fuck?_  
I continue to watch them briefly. Mr. Grumpy claps the boy on the shoulder, looks proud. I shake my head confused, but then I am already on my feet to do what I wanted to do.  
If I don't do this now, I will never do it.  
"Hey!" I say immediately as soon as I hurry out the front door.  
To my displeasure both stop. Across the hall, Mr. Grumpy already has the key in the door, so I'm concentrating on the boy. "You there!" I point to him and hurry down the stairs. Confused, the boy points to himself, then looks up at the man and then back at me. My gaze wanders to Mr. Grumpy, who nods promisingly to the boy, winks and gives his thumb up. I roll my eyes, want to slap my hand in the face, but ignore him instead.  
"I ..." I stop in front of the boy. "I want to ask you something."  
He looks at me with big, confused eyes, has lost all the aggressiveness from the lunch break and looks more like a little puppy.  
"M- me?" He asked, to which I nod.  
"Yes, sorry." I hold out my hand awkwardly to him. "I'm Beth, we're neighbors." I point to the apartment door from which I came.  
"Miguel," he promptly introduces himself and takes my hand.  
"Hi Miguel," I say like a complete idiot and then shake my head. “I saw you on lunch break today. Very impressive."  
"Oh." Miguel scratches his head nervously. "Oh, that. That was ..."  
"Karate, right?" I finish for him. He pauses, then nods enthusiastically.  
"Exactly!" He confirms and a smile spreads across his face - aw, cute. “Do you do karate too. Or ... "  
"No. I mean, no, not yet.” I wink slightly. “That's why I wanted to talk to you. So, I knew you lived here too. And I wanted to ask where you learned that and ... "Now I avoid his gaze, look to the floor. "And I wanted to know if you are still accepting people?"  
"Sure!" He exclaims enthusiastically. "Aisha would be really happy if there was another girl in the team." His head shoots up to look past me. “Sensei! We have a new recruit here! "  
I turned around immediately. Mr. Grumpy is still standing in the doorway - was he watching us? With wide eyes I look from him to Miguel and back again.  
"This is your sensei?" I blink, praying that this is a joke. From what I observed, this man is nothing but a fucking drunk.  
"Yes," confirms Miguel with a big grin. "Sensei Lawrence."  
I press my lips together, swallow my pride, and look up again at Mr. Grumpy - uh, Sensei Lawrence, who looks at me disdainfully.  
"Think twice, girl“, he snarls. "I don't want pussies in my dojo."  
Pussies? Okay, wow!  
I clench my hands and take a deep breath.  
Then I nod.  
"When does it start?"


	2. You're on the edge of your seat

**2 - You're on the edge of your seat**

They say you only regret what you didn't do. I question that. I've never questioned it as much as I do right now standing among a few dozen students from my high school, all of whom, like me, have decided they absolutely had to try this karate thing after watching the lunch break fight.  
Not wanting to feel like a total idiot, I join Miguel, who happily introduces me to Aisha, who in turn happily explains how great it is to have another girl at Cobra Kai. I give her a polite smile and explain how happy I am to be there. And she totally buys it. Maybe I’m not such a bad liar after all.  
I know for sure that only now is my chance to sneak off. Only right this second. As soon as Mr. Grumpy - uh Sensei Lawrence, how can I take this seriously? - walks in, the room will go quiet and running away will become embarrassing.  
Still, I stay. I suck it up. This is important. Because I have no other choice.  
Not if I want to finally banish Chris' violence from my life. And it's time to change something. Just like the school thing. I've been putting this off for far too long.  
When Mr. Grumpy finally steps out of his little office - in full black karate gear - I have to suppress a laugh and look away. I admit I wouldn't have expected him to pull this off. I mean I had been impressed when he had finally shaved his beard after years. Maybe he had also decided to take control of his life. Probably about time.  
"Quiet!" he yells to the crowd to finally stop the babbling of the many students, which dies down immediately. "Face forward!" he yells next.  
Okay, wow, so he will give us orders. Hastily, I slide over to Miguel's side, the one furthest away from … Sensei Lawrence.  
Because the others do, too, I stand straight in front, watching with my eyes as he starts walking through the rows, eyeing people. Judgingly. Like me yesterday. Like we're not worth it. And then he says exactly that: "Ugly shirt," "ugly face," "losers," "nerds," "fat kid," no Cobra Kai material. Harsh. Briefly, I want to throw up. This man is just an asshole and I really should have stayed home. Why did I think a drunk fuck could teach me to defend myself? But in a weird way, I'm impressed with how consistent he is with his general personality. He doesn't want to be liked. That's probably his thing. To look cool in front of his students. Cool by his definition, at least. But the kids buy it. Nobody here even knows, what a loser he was these last few years.  
Again, I have to suppress a laugh.  
Briefly his gaze wanders to me, so I quickly press my lips together and stare at the wall.  
“Do you have something to say?”, he bellows at me, walking over, looking me up and down.  
I stay quiet. Look away. God dammit. I want to tell him, that this is not okay. He can’t talk to people like that. But I keep my mouth shut. I can’t lose this opportunity.  
“Anything at all?”, he asks, so I look up.  
“Nothing”, I comment.  
“Nothing, what?”  
My eyes widen. “Are you serious?”, I whisper, but he doesn’t move a muscle. I swallow. Swallow down all my pride, suppress a sigh. “Nothing … Sensei.”  
Now he smiles a little. Proudly. He got this win and now he’s happy. Cute.  
Once he steps away, I breathe in deeply, let my hands hang, which I hadn't even noticed I had clenched into fists.  
He stands back in front of the class, looking everybody in the eyes.  
"But my short time as a sensei, l've also seen some miracles.“ I catch him looking over at Miguel and Aisha. His only two students so far, maybe? "So maybe there's some hope for you yet." Then he starts again. "First I need to see where you're at. So, everybody, fall in!" Irritated looks. "That means line up“, he declares, causing the group to start moving and line up behind Miguel and Aisha. I remain skeptical in my spot. I'm kinda sure he doesn't mean that kind of line, and only seconds later he groans. "No, not... not line up in a line. Lines. Get in lines."  
"You mean, like, rows?" someone asks.  
To which he slaps his face in annoyance.  
Yep, Beth, you chose this. You're here by your own free will.  
What great ideas I have. 

After that, he teaches us a series of punches. At least we're learning something today, too, and it's not a total waste of time. For a moment, I even get the feeling that Mr. Grumpy is taking his time, being patient, which I didn’t think he would after his introduction. He's showing us how to stand properly, how to punch properly. Walks the rows and observes.  
It takes a while, but I'm not surprised when he starts insulting people again, even though I was hoping he was done. This time it’s the boy with the scar on the lip, who is constantly teased at school anyway. I gulp and am about to say something when his friend interjects. And I cringe as the look on Mr. Grumpy's face changes while the boy argues that you don't have to accept bullying like that. That you can call the police, and then he says that Sensei Lawrence isn't a real teacher.  
"We're paying him. He works for us," the boy concludes.  
Uh-Oh.  
"It's not like he can actually hurt us."  
I hold my breath. He definitely shouldn't have said that. There's no way Mr. Grumpy is going to be talked to like that. That much is clear without knowing him very well.  
Now he stands in front of the boy, getting dangerously close.  
"You done?" Mr. Grumpy asks him challengingly. "Hit me," he says. I swallow. "Go ahead, hit me." The boy obviously doesn't want to hit him, and this can only end badly. My fingers tingle uncomfortably and I'm about to close my eyes. This is supposed to help me defend myself. I didn’t come here to watch even more violence without being able to do anything about it. I hold my breath.  
"Strike me right here.“ Mr. Grumpy points to his own face.  
The boy sighs and tries a half-hearted punch.  
"Harder."  
This time he slaps the boy's hand brutally to the side.  
"Is that all you got, princess?" he wants to know provocatively, so this time the boy gathers all his strength and tries again. And within the blink of an eye, he is grabbed by his sensei and thrown to the ground.  
I back away because it looks painful, because I know how that boy is hurting. My eyes meet Mr. Grumpy's as he says next: “Let that be a lesson to all of you.”  
His eyes basically pierce mine, but I keep staring back at him. He might think he’s in charge, he might think he can do whatever he wants to us. But this is nothing. This is kindergarten. I'm not going to be intimidated by someone like that. Because I know he is not better than any of us. I will not let him win. I will make sure her teaches me to do this right. So one day I can be the one, that strikes first, strikes hard and shows no mercy. Ugh. I almost have to roll my eyes over my own thoughts.  
Shortly after, he ends the lesson. 

I wait until everyone else has left the training room – excuse me, I mean dojo of course - and then knock on the door to the office where the sensei has retreated.  
"Hey," I say cautiously, causing him to look at me.  
He watches me for a moment.  
"Beth?"  
I grin.  
"What, no nickname for me?"  
He eyes me. "You'll get one."  
"Come on, we're neighbors. Miguel doesn't have a nickname, does he?"  
"What do you want, girl?"  
Straight to the point. He may be a drunk fuck, but I guess he still knows what he's doing.  
Sighing, I lower my head.  
"So ..." I look down at the ground, not daring to look at him as I do so. He knows he doesn’t owe me anything. And maybe it was stupid, laughing at him earlier. Provoking him like that. Because I need this. "So, we're neighbors. We both know what that means. Under which … circumstances we live. And I wanted to ask ..." Oh God, I want to die of embarrassment. Right here, right now. Cautiously, I look back up at him. This is basically humiliating myself. "I was going to ask if maybe I could get a little discount? Maybe I can pay it back some other way. Um ... wash the car or something?" Geez, in my head that didn't sound so idiotic. Now I just want to stuff the words back in my mouth and never have said them.  
"Why should I give you a discount?" He sits up, watching me thoughtfully. "I can't just let some students pay and not others."  
"But ..." I feel like snapping at him, but I take a quick breath. "But I'm pretty sure Miguel doesn't have to pay either. Right?"  
"But Miguel ..." He closes his eyes briefly, shaking his head. "Miguel and his family are personal friends."  
I press my lips together. Take a deep breath in and out as hidden as I can.  
"Can we work out some kind of deal? Please? I can't afford the training otherwise." Now I'm looking hard into his eyes again. Pleading. And I want to the ground to open up and swallow me whole.  
“Not so cocky after all now, are we?” He snorts. "Why do you want to join Cobra Kai? Why do you want to do karate?" he wants to know now, not taking his eyes off me.  
A lump is growing in my throat and all of a sudden, I feel cold. If I'm unlucky, he'll see the color drain from my face. I look down at the floor. My lips quiver slightly and I'm about to just tell him. It's not that hard. I can just open my mouth. He wouldn't just send a girl away who was being beaten at home by her stepfather. He's an asshole, but definitely not that big of an asshole. Right?  
"Forget it!" I blurt out before I can stop myself. Before I embarrass myself further. I turn around without waiting for his reaction and leave the dojo with big, fast steps.  
I am truly an idiot.  
For a moment I lean against the window of the dojo, resting my head on the back of my neck and licking my dry lips. _Fuck._ Now I've possibly blown my only chance at this. And the idea of getting home without being one step further makes my chest feel tight.  
I don't want to go home.  
"Come on, I'll take you."  
Startled, I back away as Mr. Grumpy marches out the door beside me and locks it. Briefly, I stare at him in disbelief.  
"It's okay," I counter, about to run away in a hurry.  
"Oh, come on, girl. Like you said. We're neighbors. Don't you young people care so much about sharing cars, saving gas?" He rolls his eyes, making me frown.  
I hesitate. I'm actually considering it.  
Maybe he has a reason for it, maybe he's been thinking it over and wants to make me a proposition. And I'm desperate enough to accept almost any deal.  
Wordlessly, I walk to the passenger door of the Pontiac.  
"You know my car, huh?" he states, to which I comment with a shrug of my shoulders.  
"I live across the hall from you and I like to observe," I say. 

The car ride also goes on the list of things I regret that day. Of course, he drives like a crazy person. What did I expect? Besides, he doesn't say a word. No proposal, no deal. Wasted time. Even if I saved time on my way home. It's not a gain for me to get there earlier, I’d rather have stayed away longer.  
After he parks, I take a quick look at our apartment windows. The lights are already on, they are home. I hesitate before opening the door, suppressing a sigh.  
"Thanks," I mumble before finally daring to leave the car, but Mr. Grumpy holds me back by the shoulder.  
"So, you live up there, huh?" he asks. "The one where there is always stuff breaking. A guy yelling. Didn’t you even have a broken window for quite some time?”  
I freeze. He knows. He fucking knows. Suddenly my mouth is dry. I can’t speak, can’t gather the words together in a logical order. Fuck. I didn’t want him to know.  
“Is that the reason you want to join Cobra Kai?" He looks out the window at my front door, raises his eyebrows. "Trouble at home? I mean, if your dad …”  
"All right!" I retort sharply, about to open the car door, but then pause. The lump in my throat only gets bigger, I suddenly feel nauseous, and I can only look at the floor. No way I can look him in the eyes. But then I breathe and I close my eyes for a second. I need to pull myself together.  
Maybe I'd get a pity discount.  
"My _step_ dad ... My stepdad is a dick is all ...", I say carefully, but continue not to look up, I don't want to see his reaction. I need his pity to get the training. But I don't want to see that pity. "I just want ..." I take a deep breath, trying to let my voice be strong. "I just want to be prepared for when he ..." Fuck. Why is this so hard? "When he raises his hand against my mom." And against me. But there's no way I can say that. It's too much. "I want to help her." And myself. "I don't want to be so helpless."  
Silence follows. Icy silence that gives me the creeps.  
Really slowly I finally look up to discover him staring thoughtfully at our front door for a long while.  
"No police?" he wants to know without looking at me.  
I shake my head vigorously.  
In response, he turns away from the door and looks me firmly in the eyes.  
"Same time tomorrow," he says.  
I swallow.  
"I still don't have the money for-"  
"Maybe I'll get back to you on the washing the car."  
My body relaxes, a slight smile even making it to my lips. Then I nod and open the door, ready to turn my back and forget I had this conversation.  
“Hey,” he holds me back. “And you’re sure, you’re not a pussy?” he asks smiling provokingly. I guess I deserve this.  
I lean back down. “Are you sure you don’t want to be punched in the face by me?” I counter.  
“Oh,” he raises his eyebrows. “Try me.”  
Then I nod. “Oh, I will.”  
He nods as well.  
An unspoken understanding.  
Because I don't want to see if he's watching me or not, I don't turn around again until I've locked the door from the inside.

"What took you so long?", Chris' voice thunders through the hallway.  
I wince. For a second there, I forgot where I was, who I was living with. For a moment, everything seemed fine.  
"Detention," I reply as curtly as I can.  
"Pff!" goes Chris from the kitchen. "You've got ‘school covered’, my ass. I thought so. You’re wasting your time at that school.” Then he steps to the kitchen door, eyeing me smugly. "You're late for dinner. So you won't get anything for dinner tonight."  
"It's okay," I dodge him. "I'll make myself some toast."  
"You're late, Beth!" he growls. The beer in his hand is almost empty. Certainly not his first. "No toast for you."  
Immediately my face goes hot, but I breathe, staying calm. Always staying calm.  
"You can’t be serious, Chris." I look over his shoulder. "Mom?"  
"Chris is right," she says in her small voice. "You're just too late. At least let me know next time."  
"My battery died," I groan. "And as if you care," I whisper, barely audible.  
Chris raises his eyebrows dangerously but pretends he didn't hear.  
A good day. He must have had a truly good day.  
Without another word, I disappear into my room, stop myself from slamming the door - otherwise " _something else will be slammed_ " - throw my school bag on the bed, and for the time being, sit on the windowsill.  
To my surprise, I discover Mr. Grumpy - alright - Sensei Lawrence across from me at his window. I blink in confusion, but when he nods, I return the gesture.  
Was he seriously worried now? Or what?  
I grin to myself.  
In fact, I get the feeling that he wouldn't hesitate at all if I had problems with Chris. An asshole he is, but he also seems to have dignity. He would possibly take him on and maybe even break his nose. Then I sigh. Because as nice as the idea is, I can't do that to mom. She's too dependent on him. And she doesn’t even know that something can be done about that. Sometimes I feel like she wants to be oblivious.


	3. Ain't you got some place to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way. All chapter titles are the lyrics of the Bring Me The Horizon song "Why you gotta kick me when I'm down"! The song just fits the theme too well ;)

**3 - Ain't you got some place to be**

"Miguel!" The next morning, I hurry down the stairs before Miguel leaves for school.  
He stops immediately, staring at me with wide eyes.  
"Beth!" he says. "Are you okay?"  
"Yeah." I laugh. "I just left my bike at the dojo yesterday. And um ..." This time it's me scratching my head in embarrassment. "I thought maybe I could get on the back of your bike to school?"  
He raises his eyebrows in surprise. Briefly, I fear he doesn't want to do that, but then he grins widely.  
"Sure, hop on!"  
And suddenly I'm riding the bike to school with Miguel Diaz.  
“I haven’t seen you around much at school,” he says over the wind blowing past us, rolling down the hill faster than I usually do.  
“That’s because I’m a junior,” I reply grinning. “And because I don’t hang with the nerds.” With that I pat his shoulder and he laughs.  
“Figures.” He pushes the breaks down a little when we get to a large crossroad. “And how come I haven’t seen you around the neighborhood?”  
I repress shaking my head. Nosy boy. Or maybe he is just being friendly. I can’t tell.  
“I guess I just keep to myself.” I shrug. “I have seen you around though, always looking out the window, you know. You seem to have a really nice mom and grandma.”  
“The best!” Suddenly he looks over the shoulder to me. “Hold tight,” he warns only a second before he’s racing us down the next hill. The very steep one. The one I usually avoid.  
I almost close my eyes, then decide against it. If I die right here and right now, at least I have to see it coming.  
Finally breathing again, after I held my breath for at least the last ten minutes on this bike, I get off a little shaky, but keeping my cool as best as I can.  
“Miguel,” I say, patting his shoulder. “Let’s never do that again.”  
He smiles widely. “I see you later?” Now he winks. “I mean, you can also walk to the dojo.”  
“Ugh.” Slapping a hand to my forehand I sigh. “Let not think about that for now.”  
When I thank him and say goodbye, my girls are already eyeing me with meaningful and confused looks.  
"The karate boy?", Jacky wants to know with raised eyebrows.  
"Neighbors!" I laugh. "We are neighbors. I didn't have my bike at home and needed a ride."  
"So Karate Boy really is your neighbor?" Lydia laughs out. "That’s too awesome. Let him show you a few tricks!"  
To that, I just shrug innocently.  
"So where did you leave your bike?" asks Malia thoughtfully, because it's obviously not with the other bikes in the schoolyard.  
"Oh." My cheeks always get hot when I have to lie, which Jacky knows, and the others don't. So I dodge her, lowering my gaze. "Had a flat tire on the way home yesterday."  
"Ugh, what a bummer," Lydia sounds a little too theatrically. "Do you want me to pick you up with the car tomorrow?"  
"Oh nonsense," I immediately decline. "I live so far away from your place and my bike should be fine later. But thanks!" And yeah, I don’t really want you to know where I live, Lydia. Even though I really like you.  
"But did you guys catch that?" now Jacky interjects. "Half the sophomore year wants to take up karate now. Crazy, right? Thought that was some 80's thing."  
"Yeah, crazy," I confirm as innocently as I can, but Jacky is already eyeing me, suppressing a grin.  
"Where were you after school yesterday, anyway?" she wants to know. Man, she knows full well that she's getting closer and closer to the truth.  
"Detention, I told you." I have to pull off the innocent act.  
"That long?" interjects Malia. "I haven't seen you after practice either."  
I swallow.  
"Yep, must have been longer than usual." And with that, I immediately walk ahead to make sure no one is looking me in the eye. 

Jacky is already grinning over at me as she slides me a piece of paper during English Lit. I groan before I've even read it. 

_Karate, huh?_

I sigh. 

_Stop playing Sherlock all the time, Jacky!_

Jacky grins wider. 

_I wasn't completely sure. But ha! You just admitted it! Wow! Karate! You go, girl!_

I flip to the right page of the work book before answering her. 

_Don't tell anyone, okay?_

Her grin fades. 

_Are you doing it because of Chris?_

I gulp.

_Yep, why else?_

Jacky hesitates now before answering.

_Take care, Beth. Just be careful. Wouldn’t want you to go down in the next lunch break fight._

I then draw her a heart on the note and she replies with an even bigger heart. Therefore, I draw an even bigger heart and then she does ... and so on. 

When I want to look for Miguel before karate practice, he surprises me by already waiting for me at the bike stand. Hastily, I look around, making sure Lydia and Malia don't spot me, and rush over to him.  
"You're a lifesaver for me, Miguel," I happily declare, to which he laughs. “If you don’t kill me on the way I mean.”  
"We could gladly go to school or practice together more often." He shrugs, then winks. "Neighbor!"  
I'm momentarily perplexed, but then shake my head with a laugh.  
"Why not?"  
"By the way. What else did you guys talk about yesterday?" Miguel wants to know before I get on the bike with him. "I saw your bike was still there, and I'm guessing Sensei Lawrence gave you a ride home."  
"Um, yeah," I say nervously, "I had to talk to him about money. It's a little tight at our house." I don't understand why I'm being so honest, but Miguel nods in understanding.  
"I hope he said you could still join us? So ... you're in again today?"  
"That's right," I confirm. "He was pretty understanding."  
Miguel laughs in response.  
"Yeah, he's always acting mean. Being the bully and all. But he's actually a pretty nice guy. Just don't tell him that, though. No mercy and all!"  
“Yeah, he’s fine.” Then I smile cheekily. “When he’s not drunk and yelling around, I mean.”  
Because yelling does seem to be his thing.  
After Lawrence was so thoughtful last night, I'm surprised at how surprised he is that so many students from yesterday didn't come back.  
He tries to cover it up, but the disappointment is clear as day in his eyes.  
"Good," he then says. "That was a test. I wanted to see who the quitters are. Not you guys. You're in it to win it. Right, you could be at home, playing your iComputers, playing your video games, eating candy. But you're here. Instead, you're here, doing pushups, learning how to fight."  
Yeah, he's definitely disappointed. I grin to myself, but turn away so he doesn't see.  
“Lip! Look. Even Lip's tougher than those guys. He's no quitter.”  
Oh wow. Here he goes again. I take a deep breath. This isn’t the guy being helpful, driving me home and letting me be here even though I can’t pay. How can this man be so nasty on the one hand, yet understanding on the other? Does he think these are all spoiled brats?  
This is the bully version again. Which is why I can’t keep from rolling my eyes.  
“Could you please not call me that?” the boy – I think his name is Eli - finally says. Very quietly, way too quietly. And I truly wish that he would stand up for himself. Because that’s what Lawrence wants from everybody here. But I get that it’s hard. Of course it’s hard. He has been bullied to many times. People are scary. And scary makes you quiet.  
“Excuse me, what?“ Lawrence looks down on him and I sigh.  
Mr. Grumpys gaze flashes briefly to me, but then he approaches the boy. Asks him if he can't speak properly. “Are you one of those challenged kids?“  
"Hey!", I interrupt the nice Mr. Sensei Lawrence and gulp as he turns to me and kills me with his gaze. Does he really expect all of us to just watch?  
"You got something to say, Missy?"  
I frown.  
"Really? That's my nickname? Very creative." I roll my eyes when he doesn't answer. "Isn't that going a little too far? He gets teased enough for it already. This is so unnecessary."  
He's getting dangerously close to me now, but I hold his gaze. Then he takes a deep breath, looking down at me from above. Suddenly I hate being so short.  
"Down and push-ups," he orders me. "Until the end of class."  
I oppose him for a moment, facing him, but finally deflate, shaking my head, and settle to the ground. I remind myself that I chose this.  
Under his harsh gaze, I struggle to do even one push-up, which I barely squeeze out.  
"Keep going!" he then grumbles. "See you at the end of class!"  
With that, he turns away and continues talking at the boy as if I never interfered. But I'm sure he'll remember this until later.  
When I finally watch the boy run to the toilet, I look to the ground. Maybe it’s better for him this way. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. 

After a few pathetic push-up attempts - while the others continue with their normal training - I surrender and switch to my knees. The dear sensei notices this immediately, of course, which is why he snorts and explains to the whole group once again that he doesn't accept weaklings.  
Bravo, thank you, sensei.  
My arms ache as he dismisses the group at the end of the training and I sit down on my butt, exhausted. Miguel tries to talk some more to his sensei, but is met with incomprehension as far as I can hear from over here on the mat.  
"Thank you, Beth," Miguel says as he walks over to me. "For doing what we didn’t dare to do."  
I grin. "Somebody's got to do it." Then I press my lips together shortly. “I just hope he won’t throw me out for it.”  
He reaches out to me, helping me to my feet.  
"If push comes to shove, maybe we can train together?” He smiles, wants to be helpful, to which I nod slightly. “Are we going together?" he wants to know, pointing to the door.  
We'd said I'd like to ride with him, but if I'm honest, it's still so bright outside that it doesn't appeal to me to come home. It's best if I'm much earlier, when I get to just slip into my room, or much later, when they're almost ready to go to bed. Even if I miss dinner for that matter.  
"Oh, I think I'm going to take a detour and still have to change. But I'll see you in the morning?"  
"Okay, well, get home safe." Miguel waves to me on his way out. "By the way, my mom asked who the girl was that I went to school with in the morning. Feel free to come by the house if you feel like it."  
"Oh." I blink in surprise, feeling a pleasant warmth around my heart. A lovely invitation. "Thank you so much, I will, Miguel. See you tomorrow!"  
When he's out, I take a deep breath.  
"You're too weak."  
His voice surprises me so much that I flinch.  
"Surprise," I say sarcastically, bracing my hands on my hips. "That's why I'm here, isn't it?"  
"And your posture. If you tense your stomach more, the push-ups will be easier." He points to the floor, which is why I go back on my knees and brace myself with my burning muscles. "Tense your stomach so your back is straight." He presses a hand on my lower back while I do as I'm told. "More."  
"Okay," I grumble.  
"Hands next to your shoulders, don't let your arms stick out too much to the side. That's it. Like this. Now again."  
I bend my arms, go down as far as I can, and come back up. My arms hurt. I truly am a pussy or something.  
"Keep going."  
On the second try, my arms just give out and I stay on the ground.  
"You need to get stronger, Missy," he states dryly. When I look up at him, I see a smirk on his lips.  
"Yeah great, didn't think so." I roll my eyes.  
"If you like, you can stay here for like another hour after practice while I do the pesky paperwork or whatever.” He shrugs. "I’ve had my fair share of dick stepdad. I get not wanting to go home. And I don't care until I lock up."  
I gulp. That actually sounds really great for me.  
"I'd love to," I reply gratefully, unable to believe how thoughtful he can be when he wants to, even if he doesn't put it that way. But maybe he just doesn't have anything better to do.  
"The karate is one thing," he continues, though he's already half turned away. "But when you're up against a strong, big opponent, you need the muscle, too. Strength!" He jerks a fist in the air to demonstrate. “Definitely do some crunches every morning. Squads. Push-ups if you can. You’ll need it.”  
Now I'm getting goose bumps. He must have seen Chris before. He knows I don’t stand a chance against that man.  
"And if I ..." The question is out of my mouth before I can stop it. "Let’s say I don’t have time, let’s they it happens suddenly. The ... fight. Couldn't I just ..." I shake my head. I’m being stupid. "Never mind."  
"Do you want to try?" He moves into a fighting stance. I swallow. I know full well he's just trying to show me how easy it will be for him to take me down.  
"It's okay," I counter, but he grins.  
"Come on, at least give it a try," he challenges me. I hesitate. "Or are you afraid of hurting yourself, are you a-"  
"No, I'm not a pussy!", I say before he can elaborate, but can barely suppress a grin. “But you do know that pussys are actually much stronger than balls, do you?”  
This shuts him up. Makes him speechless for a second there.  
Then he licks his lips, looks to the ground and then back at me.  
“Alright, you got me there, Missy,” he admits. “So how about that? If you punch your stepdad in the face, I will start calling you Ballsy.” His eyes widen for a second. “Oh, but don’t actually do it. That would be-”  
“What?” I interrupt and laugh. “Did you just listen? That doesn’t even make se-”  
“Quiet!”, he goes, getting back into fighting position. "Come on, try and hit me. And afterwards I'll show you how to get an advantage because you're smaller and lighter."  
I sigh loudly but agree. How else am I gonna learn it I guess? He did talk about taking punches before. And it’s not like I haven’t taken a few already. This will be nothing in comparison.  
I align myself correctly, raising my hands as I've been taught. Lawrence is hopping around a little in front of me, already excited. So eager to throw someone to the ground, huh?  
I take a deep breath, then focus on my fist and the spot I want to hit. Even as I punch, I realize that's the wrong decision. As soon as my arm even gets close to him, he grabs me with the other, catches my leg with his, and within seconds I'm on the ground, briefly feeling the pain reverberate in my back.  
"And you know," he says smugly. “Don’t challenge me again in front of the class, Missy. I get it. You wanna show off how brave you are. Standing up for that kid. I give you that.” Then he shakes his head. “But they gotta learn to stand up for themselves, you know?”  
I sigh close my eyes for a second. I’m still not convinced. “I just …” But I change my mind, shake my head. “Whatever.”  
He stares at me for a second, then holds out his hand to help me back up. "And now I'll show you how to do it."  
I scramble back to my feet by myself, which he seems to approve of.  
"Okay," I say, because I’ve got not time to lose. Who knows when Chris will have another bad day.


	4. Was hoping the suspense will kill you

**4 - Was hoping the suspense will kill you**

Lawrence surprises me again the next day. From the initially large group, only a few participants are left.  
"Bunch of pussies." Not our sensei but Aisha says that. Again I have to suppress a laugh.  
"No, it's my fault," Sensei Lawrence abruptly admits and I wonder if he thought about how he treated the kids, how he treated Eli. Maybe he had a change of heart. "Since you joined Cobra Kai, I have been hard on you. I've called you names. I've humiliated you. Some of you I've hit." He looks around the room. "And for that, I don't apologize." Duh. Of course he doesn't. "Cobra Kai is about strength. If you're not strong on the inside, you can't be strong on the outside. And right now you're all weak," he continues. "And I know that because I was you. I used to have no friends. Used to be the weirdo kid."  
My eyebrows fly high up my head. Wow. Goosebumps. I would have never ever ever expected him to admit something like that. But it explains a lot. Like a lot a lot. The bitterness, the drinking. The social incapability.  
Now he’s looking at one of the smaller kids, shaking his head.  
"Not that weird. I still hooked up with babes and all, but..."  
Okay, wow, he spoiled it again with that one. I shake my head amused, keeping myself from slapping a hand against my forehead.  
"The point is, I wasn't always the badass sensei I am today. Just like a cobra, I had to shed my loose skin to find my true power. And you guys will too."  
The room is absolutely quiet. And suddenly there is a little bit of respect for him blooming in my mind. There wasn’t much of that left before. But maybe I was wrong. He’s proving to be more of a good person than I ever expected every day. And that’s kinda intriguing. There is more to that drunk fuck I've seen fall out of his car so many times.  
He actually pulls this off. Puts a smile on my face.  
When the dojo door suddenly opens, we turn in surprise and my jaw drops immediately. Sensei Lawrence doesn't recognize him right away, but I do. It's Eli but somehow also not Eli. The shy boy seems to have disappeared all at once, behind a blue mohawk. It's the only thing we're all looking at. I shake my head in disbelief. Sensei Lawrence is a fucking asshole, but you have to hand it to him for helping this kid out of his insecurity in a crazy way.  
"Hawn," he calls him, instead of "lip."  
Satisfied, Lawrence clasps his hands behind his back. Finally, he seems satisfied. Now he really only had those in the dojo who could live with all the harsh words. Maybe that's what he needed. A bunch of people sucking up their insecurity.  
He walks past the front row and stops in front of Eli – Hawk - first, looking deep into his eyes.  
"Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?"  
The boy keeps his head held high. "No, Sensei!" Lawrence nods with satisfaction  
"Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it?" he asks Aisha.  
"No, Sensei."  
"Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it?" this time to Miguel.  
"No, Sensei."  
"Class, are you ready to learn the way of the fist?"  
"Yes, Sensei!", I shout at the same time as the others, and in a strange way, it doesn't feel so awkward anymore. 

\--- 

I’m actually starting to do what I’m supposed to do. I’m doing some of the push-ups and crunches and squats in the morning before school. And I’m doing the extra hour every day after training. But still, it doesn't get any easier. At all. I guess I have to try even harder. Even though my few muscles are already sore to the core. Like all the time.  
All of this while still studying enough. And sleeping at least a few hours. Ugh. At some point I just wanna lay in my bed and do nothing. For days. But I can’t. I just gonna have to suck it up. And I will. This is all going to turn out just fine. I got this.  
More importantly: I need to come up with a better excuse for why I'm out so late in the evenings. And one for why I never go home with Miguel. So many excuses. I do hate lying.  
But really, it's quite easy. Way too easy.  
I tell Jacky and the girls that I tutor Miguel. Because he's a year below us, they even believe me. I also tell my parents that I tutor Miguel - the fact that I do it for free annoys Chris, but it's not his problem. I ignore him telling me that he questions whether I'm intelligent enough to do it. And I tell Miguel that I have a small mini-job after training so I can stay longer at the dojo without him getting suspicious.  
All settled.  
I hope.

"Do you want to do something again this weekend?" asks Lydia at the lunch table on Wednesday. "Oh my god! We haven't been to the beach in so long! And I really feel like handing out outside of school. What do you think?"  
I clench my teeth tightly. Now that I'm at the dojo almost every afternoon until evening and really need to study on the weekends, it's getting tight. But I can't just always say no to the girls. I know how it goes. At some point, they won't ask me anymore. And I don't want that to happen.  
"Sounds good," I therefore agree. And I know very well that I'm the only one who has to agree here. I'm sure the others had their minds set on a weekend together already. Maybe I can take my study stuff with me. Maybe I can skip one or two karate lessons. I’m not paying for it anyways, right? Somehow it will work out. I refuse to believe anything else.  
"Wow, Beth. Miracles do happen," Jacky winks, playfully nudging my shoulder. I roll my eyes at her, but have to grin as well.  
"Sounds great," Malia agrees as well. "I can bring the drinks."  
"I'll drive and pick you all up at our usual spot." Lydia shoots her finger at each of us.  
"I'll bring snacks," Jacky announces, causing the looks to linger on me afterward.  
I pull my shoulders up apologetically.  
"Um...", I say. "I’ll bring the fun?"  
The others snort away because that's my standard response. Yes, our parents are all not blessed with particularly high incomes, but it remains unspoken that my family is the worst off and so far, no one has held that against me.  
"A lot of fun, please, Beth," Lydia says between her loud laughter.  
"A very big portion!" Malia agrees, looking me straight in the eye with a big smile. She always looks me so deeply in the eyes.  
Hastily, I look away.  
"But seriously, Beth, you should charge the brat money for tutoring," Lydia interjects, shrugging her shoulders. "That's your lifetime you're giving him for free."  
"Oh." I wave it off. "We help each other out in the neighborhood for that. And he’s a nice kid. It’s fine."  
I'd rather not talk about it too much, because I know I will just get tangled in my lies if I do. 

"Hey, Beth!"  
Miguel gives me a high-five as we meet at the bike rack.  
"Heeeey, Cobra Kai Starplayer!", I say overly excited because he beat half the group yesterday.  
He laughs in response and shakes his head.  
"If I can only be as good as you are someday," I croon, swinging onto my bike. "But look, they just won't firm up." I show him my flabby arm muscles, that barely exist.  
"They'll get there!" he counters confidently. "Tell me something," he then starts, causing me to immediately raise my eyebrows suspiciously. "How late is your job in the evening? My mom would totally love to have you over for dinner on Friday. Would you be up for it?"  
"Oh," it escapes me in surprise. Immediately, a million thoughts flash through my head. Especially the ones that know I haven't had a hot dinner in days. Actually, I'm not hungry at this moment, yet all of a sudden, my stomach is about to growl. "Ha! What a great coincidence. Friday of all days, I have a free night." Ugh. I hate this disgusting gut feeling I get while lying.  
"Yeah great!" replies Miguel immediately, without a hint of doubt. Good for me that he is so completely innocent and gullible. "Then let's go straight home together after practice on Friday."  
"Gladly!", I agree, looking forward to an evening out for the first time in a long while. 

\---

Today Sensei Lawrence decides that it’s flinch-day, as I call it. Yeah, I admit it. I'm a little proud, because I don't flinch when everybody else does. 'Cause, you know, I have had a fist or two in my face before. And I might just be one of the few who have. No surprise here. It does get me out of being punched in the face though. Instead, I get to punch some of the kids alongside with Aisha. Oh happy day! But unlike Aisha I do apologize for every punch.  
Once almost everybody else is holding their bloody noses, and some leave early, I do some sparing with Aisha. And I suck. So bad.  
“At least you don’t flinch!” She smiles widely, when she helps me up from the ground. “You just take a hit.” Apparently I don’t need to be punched directly in the face to end up in pain.  
My strength just isn’t picking up. And I feel like Aisha just has to tap me on the shoulder to make me go crawling on the ground.  
“How did you do it?” I ask her, stretching my legs.  
She shrugs.  
“I just kept going I guess. It just takes a while. Be patient and keep training.” Like a badass the cracks her knuckles, which makes me roll my eyes at her so that she grins.  
“I really wanna get this done faster.” I let my head sink.  
“Why the hurry?” Aisha wants to know.  
I shrug.  
“No reason.” Great excuse, Beth, you’re so creative.  
“Just give it time.” She pats me on the shoulder.  
When she and the rest are gone, I look at my flimsy body in the mirror and shake my head.  
“You’re right.”  
I flip around, finding Lawrence with his arms crossed over his chest.  
“What do you mean?” I frown.  
“You’re way to flimsy.”  
“Are you slim shaming me, Sensei?" I thrust my hands challengingly into my hips.  
Lawrence backs away, confused.  
„Slim-what?“  
I shake my head amused. Yeah, that’s what I thought.  
“But I mean it.” He says. “Are you eating enough?” With somewhat narrowed eyes, he examines me from head to toe. „Like protein and stuff? You need loads of protein.“  
I shrug.  
„I guess not.”  
Now he is frowning.  
“Why not?”  
"Um..." I look to the ground. No need hiding shit from him anymore, am I right? "Well, if I get home late, I don't get dinner."  
Now he looks at me irritated.  
"Why don't you go home earlier? You're staying extra late, right? Why?" His eyes widen suddenly. "I hope you're not one of those girls who doesn't eat on purpose. Whew, Missy, you're not supposed to be here then. I can’t have somebody-"  
"Heavens no," I counter. "I don't have an eating disorder. I just like to spend as little time at home as possible. Dinner is the worst. It always has to be together at the dinner table. It's excruciating. I'm glad to finally have an excuse to not be there."  
He eyes me in fascination for a few moments, seeming completely overwhelmed at the same time. "So what are you eating?"  
"Toast?", I offer with an evasive look.  
"Toast?" he repeats, then sighs. "Missy ... Beth." His expression suddenly turns serious. "I can't have that. I can't have someone here who isn’t getting any fitter. How are you going to build muscle if you don't ..." He breaks off, running a hand over his face in strain, shaking his head. "Okay. Get changed, you're riding with me today."  
"But I-"  
"Well, no excuses. Go on, get changed! See you at the car in five minutes!"  
I stare after him briefly as he disappears into his office, then lower my head.  
I wish I hadn't said anything. 

At first I'm infinitely confused because he doesn't take the usual route home. Then I briefly consider whether he's kidnapping me. But when he turns and stops in front of a diner, I finally understand. And at the same moment, I press a hand to my face.  
How embarrassing.  
"That's okay. I'll make sure I get home on time more often. We don't have to-"  
"We're gonna eat some fucking amazing burgers. Right now. Don't say another word, Missy!" he commands, suddenly looking very serious about these burgers.  
I swallow hard. And as if on cue, my stomach growls, to which Lawrence grins.  
"I knew it," he says victorious and makes me follow him into the diner.  
He leads us directly to one of the booths and pushes the menu aside.  
"Do you trust me?" he wants to know challengingly.  
I stare at him, tilt my head briefly and deliberately take a little more time than necessary. Because that’s out of question. Of course I trust him.  
"Hmmmmmmmm" Thoughtfully, I put my hand to my chin. "I guess so."  
"Of course, you do," he decides and then waves for a waitress to come over. He tells her the order numbers, then looks at me. "Do you also want like a ..." Now he examines me closely. "Like a milk shake? Or lemonade or ..."  
"Beer?" I suggest.  
"Beer?" His eyebrows move up. Then he squints his eyes a little. "No, not beer. Not on a Wednesday night. You’re not even eighteen," he decides. "A milkshake. You're getting a milkshake."  
"Why did you even ask?"  
"Well, why didn't you just choose the milk shake?"  
He settles down on the bench across from me. Then he nods, looks outside, looks around the restaurant, and finally sticks with me. I do the same, but after a few moments it's clear that we're either going to sit here awkwardly with each other, or actually strike up a conversation.  
"So ..." he finally begins thoughtfully, lowering his hands together on the table and fumbling with them a bit. "Everything good ... at home and stuff?"  
"Oh." I sidestep him. "Yeah, everything's fine." If I'd realized how awkward this would end up being, I would have kept it to myself. Ugh.  
"Alright." Lawrence nods, looking around frantically again for anything interesting.  
The silence only gets more uncomfortable.  
"So what about that tournament?" I finally ask.  
"Huh?" It takes him a second to realize what I’m talking about. "Oh, yeah, that." He nods.  
"Are we gonna do it?"  
“Yeah, I have to check if we can still participate,” he comments. “Gonna call em tomorrow.”  
"That would be great," I say enthusiastically. "Miguel would definitely be in, right? And Aisha?"  
“Yeah, sure.” Then he looks me in the eyes. “What about you? You wanna participate?”  
“Me?” I laugh. “No, thanks. I’m not in it for the win. I’m only in it for the not getting miserably punched at home benefits.” I shrug as if this was not a weirdly dark thing to say.  
He shakes his head. “Cobra Kai is always in it for the win.” Then he points at me. “And you’re a Cobra Kai, yes?”  
“Duh!” I say and then stop. My stomach clenches when I see the waitress coming just in the right moment.  
Big greasy and fantastic looking burgers. Fries and ketchup. Oh my god. I have to hold back from drooling right then and there. The smell alone is about to put me into a coma.  
“I told you,” Lawrence is rubbing his hands against each other. “Just trust me.” Then he smiles. “And now eat, Missy. Eat it all!”  
And I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just having a little fun. Having people bonding. But I promise, more dramatic chapters are in the making. ;)


	5. Tell me, how would you begin?

**5 - Tell me, how would you begin?**

"Beth?" Someone snaps their fingers in front of my face. "Earth to Beth?"   
"Uh!" I flinch, blinking in irritation. I guess I’m a flincher after all.   
Jacky laughs. "What's going on with you?"   
"Sorry," I say quickly. "Came home late and spent a little longer on homework last night than I thought I would. But hey, I can sleep when I'm dead, right?" Sluggishly, I nibble on my toast.   
"Isn't that a bit much?", Jacky wants to know, suddenly more concerned. "Karate and extra credit at school? What about drawing? Do you even still do that?"  
Drawing. I grin bitterly. That which has been one of my trademarks for years. And now? When was the last time I held a pencil?   
"That's done." I shrug. "Wouldn't have gotten me very far anyway."   
Jacky puckers her mouth in disappointment, but says nothing more because Lydia and Malia are just joining us. They both look back and forth between us, must notice the tension.   
"Everything okay?", Malia wants to know.   
"Everything's great!", I counter. "Just tired."   
"You've been looking so tired a lot lately, Beth," Malia observes. "What are you up to all the time?"   
"But really," Lydia agrees. "We don't even see you anymore. I'm looking forward to the weekend, but we can have girls' night more often." Then she winks. "We can get drunk during the week sometimes, too." She wiggles her eyebrows. "Invite some guys over."   
I snort.   
„Sure, Lydia,“ I agree. “What about the last dude? Nick?”   
“Oh my god, Beth, Nick is so three months ago.” Then she shoots up. “But damn, did you see that mohawk kid? I think that’s the bpy who was always bullied ‘cause of that scar on his lip. But I have to admit …” She bites her lip. “He’s kinda cute.”   
“It’s crazy!” Jacky gasps, watches him, because he’s already sitting at one of the lunch tables. I try not to look, don’t want to show that we actually know each other. “I wonder what happened to him. That’s like a big lifestyle change. I hope he’s fine. “  
“Oh, he’s fine. Don’t you see all the girls eyeing him?” Lydia laughs. “I get it.”   
Jacky punches Lydia slightly in the arm. “You crazy girl!”   
That’s when Malia and I exchange a smile.   
Once we file out of lunch break, I spot Miguel in the hall. I’m about to run over and punch him in the shoulder, when I see how he’s looking over to that girl that he ended up fighting for back at that other lunch break. Samantha LaRusso I think.   
He’s totally blushing. What a dork! I can’t hear him, but he’s being a little awkward when talking to her.   
_I see_ , I think, grinning into my fist. He’s gonna have to tell me all about that later. 

\--- 

Well, I actually don’t have to press him for information. In the contrary. He presses us for ideas, while we’re doing our stretches. I smile to myself.   
“I need somewhere romantic, but not too romantic.”  
“You could take her to get tattoos.” Eli suggests.   
“What?” I blurt out confused. “How do you even-”  
Elis eyes widen in pride, when he takes off his gi. „I know a guy, just hooked me up with this bad boy.”  
“Oh shit” says Miguel, while I can’t even get a word out.   
My eyes just go wide. He’s seriously got a big ass hawk tattoo on his back.   
“14 hours in the chair.“ Eli explains proudly.   
“Wait, are your parents okay with that?” Miguel asks.   
“Oh, they have no idea.“ Eli admits. “Definitely going to have to wear a T-shirt until college. Probably longer.“  
I’m laughing out loud. I can’t even.   
Eli is eyeing me, suddenly looking insecure.  
“No, no it’s fine. It’s badass, I promise.” I’m shaking my head. “I’m surprised is all. But that’s amazing.” I give him a thumbs up.   
Miguel just shakes his head, getting back to the main topic.   
„Uh, any other suggestions?“ he asks, looks at Aisha pleadingly.   
“Don't look at me. Sam and I used to be friends. We're not anymore.“  
“Okay, but I need your help.” Miguel begs.  
“Hey there, Miguel, don’t be too desperate.” I suggest. “It’s gonna be fine. You’re a great guy and she knows it.”  
“Uhm, thanks.” Miguels cheeks turn a little reddish. “But I am desperate for ideas.”   
“Fine, um... I know that she likes chocolates and astronomy.” Aisha says, shrugging.   
Miguel brightens. “I could work with that.”  
“BANNED? What are you talking about?” Lawrence is yelling from his office. Must be one the phone.   
Miguel shoots up and I follow him.   
“No, you don't ban me. I'll ban you!“ the sensei screams. When I get to the office, he’s throwing the phone on the table.   
I stop short behind Miguel and for the first time I realize that the two of them have their own close, personal relationship. That Miguel is here because Lawrence is more than just a sensei to him. Briefly I feel uncomfortable, as if I'm intruding. But I stay anyways. Giving in to the nosiness.   
“Sensei, what's going on?“ Miguel asks.   
Lawrence shakes his head enraged.   
“There's a lifetime ban on Cobra Kai from entering the tournament,” he explains.   
“What? Why?” I want to know.   
“How is that fair?” Miguel asks.   
“It's not.” He sits down, defeated. “There's nothing I can do about it.”  
Is he giving up that quickly? For a second I look from Miguel to Lawrence and back. That doesn’t sound at all like what he is preaching all day. Miguel knows that, too.   
“What happened to never accept defeat? There is no "no"?“ He goes over to him, challenging him with it. I stop at the door, cross my arms in front of my chest.   
“That was girl advice. This is different, this is the real world. There are rules.” Lawrence explains.   
My eyebrows shoot up. “Since when do you care about the rules?“  
Lawrence eyes me.   
“We don't take no for an answer.” Miguel continues. “You said that you've got to fight this.” I nod approvingly.   
Lawrence looks at as, something in his eyes changing.   
“You know what? You're right.“ He stands up, suddenly back in the game. „I'm going to go down there. And beat their asses.“   
I slap my hand into my face.   
“No, no, no, no, no.” Miguel thinks the same. He can’t win this with violence. That’s most likely what got them banned in the first place. “What, no, that's not what I meant. I'm saying maybe there's a more delicate approach, Sensei?“  
“The way of the fist is not delicate. Cobras are not delicate.“  
I snort.  
Lawrence shoots up to me. “What? Why are you laughing, Missy?”   
“I think Miguel is onto something there, Sensei.” I look over to him.   
Now his eyebrows shoot up. “Since when are you calling me sensei of your own free will?” He shakes his head.   
“Maybe there's a smarter way to fight back?” Miguel suggests.   
At that Lawrence freezes for a few moments, looking back between Miguel and me, like his thoughts forming. Then he smiles and nods.   
“Training is over!” He announces, then turns back to Miguel and me. “I’ll see both of you guys later!” 

With the dojo closing ahead of time, I’m actually home way earlier than I have been the last two weeks. Neither mom nor Chris are home yet, so I grab some snacks from the fridge and slip into my room. I lie down on the bed and breathe deeply, closing my eyes for a moment. For a while I hear nothing and this nothingness is exactly what I need right now.   
Unfortunately, the silence doesn't last as long as I would like.   
As soon as I hear the key in the door, peace and quiet are over.   
Might as well do some studying. I’m not gonna walk out of this room if I don’t have to. Even if that means that I have to hold in my pee for another hour.   
I sit on the windowsill while I try to keep my eyes open reading and marking passages from "The Scarlet Letter". Out of the corner of my eye, after a while, I notice a couple of figures outside and when I look, I spot Miguel and Lawrence looking up at me expectantly.   
I immediately sit up, wide-eyed.  
Wow. Lawrence is wearing a suit, even has a briefcase in his hand. I laugh, then quickly press a hand to my mouth. Lawrence rolls his eyes and goes "What?" with his arms stretched out. He's actually pulling it off. I don't want to rattle him, so I quickly give him two thumbs up.   
Then I point to Miguel, who looks at himself, then back at me. I nod as well. Two thumbs up for him. Shortly after, however, he frowns and waves me over. I glance briefly at my door. In the kitchen, something is already frying in the pan. I shake my head. I have enough words to exchange with Chris at dinner. I'd rather spare myself more of that. Instead I wave and I'm visibly crossing my fingers for the both of them. I watch them go their ways and feel weirdly warm inside. When did I start ruling for these people?

It's seven o'clock sharp when I move from my room to the kitchen. Mom and Chris eye me in amazement.   
"Wow, you made it." Chris applauds me, rubbing it in my face. "Have you been there the whole time?"   
“Yup,” I admit.   
“Couldn’t bother to say ‘hi’, huh?” He shakes his head.   
I shrug.   
“Beth,” my mom goes. She looks tired – most likely from the extra shifts she is taking on because Chris couldn’t care less about working harder than her - her hair looks dull and she tries on that painful smile, when she catches my gaze. “Come on. Can’t you be polite for once?”   
Blood rushes to my face. I’ve been polite. I’ve been fucking polite for years. But I don’t say anything.   
“What’s for dinner?” I want to know, ignoring her pleading.   
“Beth,” she warns again.   
“Mom,” I go, staring her straight in the eyes, until she gives in. Then I bite my lip. I know, I’m not being fair. I’m an asshole.   
“Pasta.” Chris dumps a big chunk on my plate.   
The pasta is greasy, slimy almost, with a few pieces of meat. Yay, protein! I think to myself and smile extra politely, looking from my mom back to him. “Thanks so much, Chris, for this wonderful meal.”  
"Smug, are we?" Chris turns away, sits down across from me.   
"Beth, what's been going on with you lately? We don't see you at all anymore. Can’t you skip some tutoring time for that Diaz kid?“ She sighs. “I mean, I know his mom. She’s pretty nice, always helpful. I like her. We’re lucky to have gotten such nice neighbors. But shouldn’t she just get a real tutor?”   
"I am a real tutor," I counter irritated, clenching the fork in my hand painfully tight. "Besides, I'm just incredibly busy myself and occasionally stay even longer at the library. I need some extra credit with the SATs coming and the college applications next year.”  
“Yeah, that bullshit.” Chris stuffs a full fork into his mouth. "You know how I feel about that. I won't say it again."   
"Are you sure you have what it takes?" my mother now wants to know. "I mean, it's true what Chris says. If you get a job now, an internship maybe, you'll have a better chance. We just want you to have a good future."   
For a moment I hold my breath, wanting to forget that my own mother doubts me. That she's convinced that only what Chris says is right.   
"I want to go to college, Mom." Now it's me stuffing pasta in my mouth so I don't have to say anything more. My cheeks still hot with anger.   
And I hate it. I hate how angry it makes me. I want to chill because I know they don't get to tell me what to do with my future. I'll be eighteen next year, and I'll be out of here ASAP.   
Still, my pulse races every time I see the disappointed look on my mother's face and the arrogant one on Chris's.   
The food tastes as if it was already three days old, but better than nothing. Briefly, I imagine the taste of yesterday's burgers and I get them down better. And quickly. I just want to go back to my room, want my peace.   
"Say, Miranda, did you get the tickets for the weekend today?" asks Chris before I can leave the table. The rule is that we all put the cutlery down on our plates.   
"Tickets?", I want to know, frowning.   
"Yes," Chris replies annoyed, but doesn't look at me. "You'd know that if you’d spent time with your mother and me more often." Now he smiles back at mom. "So, honey?"   
Mom swallows. "Not yet. Kimmy said we have the offer tomorrow and then we can get them."  
"What tickets?", I repeat.   
"A concert in San Fran," Chris grumbles, still not looking at me.   
On the weekend? I grin to myself. The two of them haven't left the house in ages. That would be fantastic! Maybe Jacky wants to sleep over after the beach.   
"Well, make sure you get them as soon as possible, honey? Would be a shame to miss the opportunity." Now he gently strokes a strand of hair from her face.   
"No way. It will almost be like one of our dates back then." Mom smiles widely. "I'm really looking forward to it." She looks down at the table, not looking Chris in the eye for too long. Ever.   
As soon as she puts down her knife and fork, I take off. Because they expect me to, I grab the dishes and take them to the sink, hastily washing everything.  
"Oh, by the way," I quickly interject. "Tomorrow night I've been invited to dinner. Just FYI."  
„Beth.“ I freeze. Chris‘ voice suddenly sounds angry. “So … you’re telling me, you’re missing out on dinner every single day ‘cause you’re _so busy_. But now you’ve got time to eat with somebody else?”  
 _Fuck_. I shouldn’t have said anything. Why did I do that? Rookie mistake.   
I hold my breath for a moment, but then take a deep breath. My fingers feel numb, but then I awaken from being frozen.   
"Well, I already said yes," is all I can get out. Briefly, I want to bring Miguel into the picture. Want to bring the connection between tutoring and dinner. But that would mean I'm not eating ten meters away in the other apartment. And there's no way I can casually sell them that one.  
„Don’t you fucking dare, Beth. This is your home. We are your parents. Show some respect,” Chris bellows.   
I just keep going, washing, then drying up the plates.   
“Whatever,” I finally say under my breath and for a moment I expect his fist in my face. But instead, nothing happens. So maybe he didn’t hear me. Or maybe he’s saving it up.


	6. Watching and waiting to sink your teeth in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... here we are. Mind the archive warning!

**6 - Watching and waiting to sink your teeth in**

“Miguel!” I grab him by the shoulder after karate training the next day. “I was patient all day. I did not push you. But, dude,” I say. “Freaking tell me about your date already!”  
He hops onto his bike, I do the same.  
“Sorry.” He laughs sheepishly. "Sorry, I ..." Now he shakes his head, his face turning a little red. "It went great. I had so much fun and I think Sam had fun and ..." Briefly, he sighs blissfully to himself.  
"Way to go, boy!" I nod proudly, now driving home side by side with him. "Where did you guys end up going?"  
"Oh, God." He laughs. "I had this totally romantic plan. But then I talked to Sensei again and went to 'Golf 'n Stuff' with her instead. And ..." He nods in satisfaction. "It was perfect."  
"Oh man, Miguel, I'm so glad!" I wink at him as my hair blows through my face. "You two are really cute as sugar."  
This makes him blush even more.  
"Well …" he presses out strained. "It's just ..."  
"What?" I immediately want to know.  
"I haven't told Sensei who the girl is yet." He presses his lips together tightly for a moment. “You know. Because she is LaRussos daughter?“  
„Oh!“ For a second there my mouth stands open without any idea about what I should say next. "It's ... tricky," I admit.  
“I know,” Miguel sighs deeply. “Please don’t tell him.”  
“But you know you will have to tell him at some point!”  
“I know. Not yet.”  
“Fair enough,” I agree. “You’re gonna work it out though. I’m sure.” We’re driving so close that I pat him on the shoulder. “Speaking of! So, we’re gonna go to the tournament. I wish I would have seen him pull that one off! Must have been the suit.” I laugh.  
“Or the briefcase.” Miguel chuckles. “It actually seems like he’s starting to see reason. We agreed that he shouldn’t punch anyone and he didn’t that’s a win, right?”  
“Really?” I snort. “That’s amazing. I really didn’t expect him to be able to change.”  
“What do you mean?”, Miguel wants to know.  
Oh right. Miguel only got here, when Lawrence started to change.  
“Never mind.” I’m standing up on the bike, paddling faster. “I’m so hungry! Can’t wait to meet your mom!”  
And with that, we race each other. 

Dinner at the Diazs is just a little awkward. They are super nice, the food is the best I've eaten in a long time. I really haven't been at a friend's place in so damn long. This place is a home, and I haven't been to a home like for a while. Our apartment doesn't have picture frames like this and beautiful curtains. Warm wall colors and most importantly, no constant laughter. Light-hearted conversations.  
And for a moment, I just wish I could stay here.  
"And to celebrate you guys getting into the tournament." Miguel's mother disappears briefly into the kitchen and returns with a covered casserole dish. "Tres Leches for dessert."  
"Dessert?" This escapes my mouth more enthusiastically than it should. I can’t remember the last time I had dessert. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but I’m truly happy about getting some dessert.  
Miguel's mom - Carmen - laughs.  
"Wow, I haven't had anyone this excited about my food in years." She hands me the first piece, getting a big grin out of me.  
"Thank you so much for everything. For inviting me." I nod enthusiastically, smiling gratefully at Miguel as well.  
"Well, sure. All of Miguel's friends are invited. He just never brings any." Now she looks at her son for a moment. "But you live almost right next to us. You're welcome to come over more often. If you’d like, you could bring your parents."  
To that, I swallow as inconspicuous as possible and nod. Not that I would ever do that. Absolutely not. Ever.  
"Mom," Miguel does tensely. "Now don't overwhelm her with your kindness."  
I laugh in response. If only he knew. I actually think kindness is pretty darn great.  
Carmen looks at her son accusatory, but then laughs as well.  
Meanwhile, I savor every bite of this infinitely delicious dessert.  
Migule's grandma examines me with interest, smiling slightly when I catch her gaze, which I immediately return.  
"Tell me, Beth, what do you think of karate training? With Sensei Lawrence?", Carmen wants to know with interest after a while. I swallow my bite, glancing back and forth between her and her son. The grandma raises an eyebrow with a grin.  
"Oh." I'd momentarily forgotten that they knew about it and we are allowed to know about it after I usually keep it a secret from so many people. "Yeah, it's good." I nod, but realize she wants to hear more than that. "Well, he's doing very well. We've been neighbors for a few years, and I wouldn't have expected that from him actually. But he's doing pretty good, teaching us all something. A good man!" That's probably a bit thick, but Miguel's alarmed look means I'd better not talk too much about details. "Haven't dared to challenge Miguel yet, though. Our star player!" I wink, passing the ball to him with that.  
He laughs.  
"Oh, stop it. You'll be ready soon, too. You started much later."  
At this his mother smiled contentedly.  
"But don't beat each other up." She wags her finger. "Otherwise, I'll have to take care of two kids right here. I do that enough at the clinic."  
"So you work in a clinic?", I ask curiously. Carmen nods and tells me a little about her everyday life. And I'm impressed by how much she has her life under control. I briefly catch myself looking at her with an enthusiastic smile. For a moment, I wish I had a mother like her. But then the guilt hits me like a fist in the stomach. How can I even think something like that? What a giant dick of a daughter I am.  
When saying goodbye, Carmen looks over at our door again. "As I said, your parents are welcome to come."  
I nod and smile brightly and when I see the lights at my place go out just then, also the lump in my throat goes away. “I see you around.” 

When I open the front door, I know something is wrong. The lights are off, but suddenly I'm sure it's intentional, that they're trying to lull me into a sense of security. Chris. He likes these mind games.  
"Beth," I hear from the kitchen, and my stomach clenches automatically.  
I stop, frozen in place. His voice promises pain. My knees want to carry me to my room immediately.  
But I can't just disappear. First, I have to check on Mom.  
I swallow down the sudden nausea scratching at my throat and pull myself together.  
But when I turn the light back on and look toward the kitchen table, I want to throw up right then and there, fight down the stomach acid.  
Mom is sitting at the table, but not straight, instead looking exhausted, weak. She doesn't have a black eye this time, but her lip is bloody, looks like a cut.  
"What happened?" I want to know, trying not to let my voice tremble in the process. He needs to know that I'm strong. That I don't fear him.  
"What, this?" Chris waves it off, shaking his head.  
"I didn't get the tickets on sale," my mom chirps quietly. "I forgot in the morning and then it was late. I could only get the expensive tickets. That was stupid. My fault." She smiles innocently, scratching her head as if something clumsy just happened to her.  
"Right, but it's all good," Chris confirms. "Isn't it?"  
Mom nods hastily.  
"But you know what, Miranda?" He voice changes. My mom winces as he says her name. "I don't think it's okay what your daughter did." He clenches his hands into fists. "Why? Why do you let her do this shit?"  
Mom's eyes widen, looking at me for help.  
"Eats at the neighbors when we've made really good dinner here. Such a brat. I've always said you need to discipline her better. Otherwise she’ll just turn out to be an ungrateful bitch!" His voice is getting louder with each word. And I don't get it. He should be angry at me, not at her. It's not her fault that I'm doing what I want. But maybe that's the mistake. Maybe I shouldn't have done what I wanted. Because now she's caught in the crossfire.  
Suddenly he stands up, grabs Mom by the collar without warning.  
My eyes fly wide open.  
This is wrong! This should be directed at me, not her. I'm still frozen in place for a moment, but then something in my head clicks. I can't let this happen, not again. And not after all that practice. Lawrence has shown me how to overpower a stronger opponent. Maybe I'm not ready yet, but I have to be ready now. I don't have a choice. Strike first and all! Before I can think about it, I lunge at him. But his elbow hits my cheek before I even have a moment to use the technique I should be using.  
I stagger briefly and suddenly he is standing in front of me. At least in front of me. He has let go of Mom.  
"What the hell?" he roars, grabbing me by the shoulders and then pushing me brutally onto the table. I try to grab his arms, to push them off me. "Don't make a damn fuss," he hisses, and as his fist lands in my face, I black out for a moment. But only for a blink of a second, then I gasp. Immediately he grabs me and then shoves me back onto the table. But he doesn't expect me to fight back, I never have. So as soon as I get hold of one of his arms with both my hands and push it off me, he is briefly so perplexed that he doesn't see my punch to the pit of his stomach coming. I flinch for a moment too, because I didn't really expect that to work.  
He grunts, tears his eyes open and looks at me as if he wants to tear me apart. I quickly get into position, wanting to dodge his arm and pull his leg away, but I'm too slow. I don't see it coming. I’m lying on the ground without realizing it. A kick in the ribs follows, taking my breath away. Another one. I groan. Tears shoot into my eyes, even though I never cry.  
But he's not done yet.  
"You little bitch. I can't believe it!", he whispers sharply. Then he grabs me by the hair, wanting to pull me up by it, so I reach for his arms before he can rip them all off. Instead, he grabs my neck, holding it for a moment so tight I'm sure he's going to choke me.  
But he doesn't.  
Instead, he just stares me in the eyes, seems to be about to spit at me or something. And then my head lands hard on the tabletop. Pain is the only thing I feel for a few seconds.  
For a moment I fear to lose consciousness. Everything spins around me, voices filtering to me as if through fog.  
"You've gone too far," Mom gasps in horror.  
"It’s her fault! All of a sudden she came at me."  
I expect Mom to say something else. Anything at all. But she doesn't. She stays silent.  
"Come on!" booms Chris. "She can take care of herself. She's a big girl now, isn't she?"  
And then all at once the voices disappear.  
My eyes fall shut and open again. I don't know how much time has passed.  
But the food is coming up now, I can't hold it in. I sway back and forth on my way to the bathroom, where I completely empty my stomach contents and sink down beside toilet bowl. My skull throbs, but my ribs also ache horribly.  
I breathe in and out deeply, but it hurts, hurts so much.  
I can take a hit. Yes. But I wasn’t prepared for this. At all.  
I close my eyes.  
Why did I even start this damn karate shit if it's not going to do me any good in the end? I press my lips together.  
With difficulty, I drag myself to the kitchen. My knees are so wobbly they could give way at any moment. The world swirls around me so much that I constantly have to hold on to something.  
For a moment I stand in front of the freezer, wanting to get the frozen peas.  
But then I have another idea. A damn stupid idea. I think. I can't really think straight.  
Without further ado, I take my key and the cold night air gives me a little clarity, drives away the fog in my head. Now I'm sure it's a stupid idea. But I do it anyway.  
It takes me what feels like hours to carry myself over to Lawrence's door. But I did it. I'm here. I hold my breath for a moment, close my eyes, and lean my head against the door. Then, without thinking about it again, I knock.  
I wait. Nothing.  
_Fuck._  
I knock again, harder, louder.  
Still nothing. Maybe he's not home. After all, it's a Friday night. My lips begin to tremble.  
One more time. One more time I try. Knocking more desperately now, feeling the tears burn in my eyes.  
Then I hear someone cursing. Heavy footsteps approach the door.  
Without warning, he yanks it open, blinking at the streetlight.  
"What the fuck is this about? It's in the middle of the goddamn ni-" He freezes as soon as he spots me, eyeing me up and down and taking a deep breath. "Beth?"


	7. Come and give me your expert opinion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch-Out: Medical conditions have been researched a little, but no promise on accuracy. At all!

**7 - Come and give me your expert opinion**

"Beth?"  
He takes a step back.  
I sway, so relieved that I almost give in to my wobbly knees.  
Lawrence reaches out for me, ready to catch me should I break down. But I pull myself together, press my lips together, and lean against the door. Lawrence swallows, examine my face a little more intensely.  
Without saying anything, he grabs me under one shoulder, asking if I can walk, which I acknowledge with a slow nod. I still feel so damn dizzy. Moving my head was not a good idea.  
"Come," he says softly, carefully, as if I were a glass that could shatter at any moment. He leads me to his sofa, where he sets me down gently. "Here," he says, and for a moment I close my eyes.  
I hear the door close and the opening of first one then another cabinet. Water runs briefly, then footsteps, moving away and approaching again.  
Finally, the couch next to me sinks in a little and I look up, but don't dare look at him.  
"I guess I don't have to ask what happened, do I?" His voice sounds strangely strained.  
Slowly, very slowly, because my head will explode if I don't, I shake my head.  
"Bastard," he hisses. "Okay, Beth, listen, we'll take care of your injuries and then I'll go straight over and-"  
"No!", I counter immediately. Quickly, a little too quickly, almost panicked. I squint my eyes, pressing a hand to my aching side. "Please don't," I whisper in a shaky voice. "Mom can't ... She wouldn't be able to handle this. She needs him. Not me." I gasp, it’s difficult to breathe. "I can't ... she mustn't ... Just don't do it. Please?" I still don't dare look at him.  
"Beth, I can't just let him get away with that. Look at yourself! This has to stop!"  
"No, please!" Now I do look at him, stare into his eyes pleading.  
I feel like he might be about to say something else, that he wants to rough Chris up anyways. And I would love him to. But I can’t bear the thought of my mom helplessly lost in this situation and without Chris.  
"Okay.” His voice is tense. "It's okay." Then he puts a pack of frozen peas into my hand, the same brand my parents buy. Without hesitation I press it to my ribs, sigh from the pain and then relax with the relieve of it.  
Lawrence stays quiet but tells me to look up. I try to look everywhere but at his eyes. The fact that I don't want him to make Chris pay for what he did, makes me uncomfortable. Because I know he will most likely want to do nothing more than that.  
In a bowl of water he dips a cloth, which he then squeezes and approaches my face with.  
„Sorry, that’s gonna …“ He puts it on a wound I must have on the left side of the head. The one that hit the table. I flinch back abruptly, but he holds my head firmly in place. “Sting,” he concludes.  
I gasp, suppressing a yelp, even though the heavy breathing also hurts. He takes a while carefully padding the wound. Then he looks around in my face, cleans the smaller wound on my cheek. He’s pressing his lips together while he is concentrating.  
“Alright,” he finally says, trying to catch my gaze. “I don’t know much about this stuff, ‘cause I usually don’t really care. But did you have to throw up or anything earlier? Did you lose consciousness for a while? Do you remember?”  
I squint my eyes, not wanting to tell him the truth. But I don’t have the capacity to lie right now.  
“Yes. Both.”  
He nods understanding.  
“Alright, let’s have a look at this bad boy, shall we?” He points to the pack of peas I’m squeezing.  
“You have something against these peas?” I joke, which makes him smile.  
“Yeah, they kinda suck.”  
“They totally suck,” I agree. “Cheap shit.”  
But then I lean back, put the peas away and roll up my shirt. I haven’t even looked at it myself and I won’t. Instead, I concentrate on Lawrence, whose gaze darkens, as he gets a close look. He flinches away for a second.  
“Can I?” he asks, to which I nod, just wanting to be done with this and sleep. Just sleep.  
Carefully he touches my ribs, to which I suck up a bit of a scream, bite my lips. Instead of saying something, he puts back the peas, which I keep pressing on the pain. He sits back with me, looks at me, thoughtfully.  
“Bruised at least.” He puts on a smile full of pity.  
“Figures,” I answer, putting on my own kind of weak smile. Then I shake my head which I regret again, feeling dizzy. “I’m sorry for coming here. I shouldn’t have. I …” Then I close my eyes. “My head … I guess I’m a little confused. Didn’t wanna bother you.”  
“No worries, Beth. You can always knock on my door, alright? Don’t feel like you can’t. My door’s always open for ya.” Then he grins. “I mean, maybe not when I’m with a babe … but otherwise.”  
To that I grin as well, even start chuckling, but stop, ‘cause it hurts.  
“Beth, I think we should get you to a hospital. Maybe I can ask Carmen, if …”  
“No!” I want to shoot up, but I can’t. “I mean … I don’t think it’s that bad. We punch each other in the head all the time in the dojo. And I, uhm, I can’t afford going to the hospital. I wouldn’t wanna bother Carmen. We just had dinner together, that would be so weird. It’s gonna be fine.”  
“Don’t worry about any of that. You can barely stand on your feet, can you?” He stares at me provokingly.  
“I mean, I can, if I really want to.” I press my lips together.  
“Oh, yeah, is that so?” He watches me carefully. “Then show me.”  
I’m about to. I swear. I really want to. But I feel like I can’t even make one move. I let my head sink, give in. Then I put my hands on my face. “I really can’t afford this. Besides.” Now I’m eyeing him. “Didn’t you say concussions are bullshit?”  
Lawrence snorts slightly.  
“Some are,” he admits, then points to my head. “But some are not.” He stands up. “I’m gonna check on Carmen. I’m sure she can get you in and out, get some check-ups for you without getting too much attention. Alright?”  
I’m not so sure. But it’s not like I could do anything about it right now. I can’t do anything at all. I let myself fall back into the couch cushion, while Lawrence puts on a jacket and goes outside. 

Carmen doesn’t press me for any information at all. I suspect that Lawrence told her about it all, when he was away for like ten minutes. Or more. I can’t quite remember if I fell asleep.  
I do catch her looking at me worried through the rear view mirror a few times though.  
Apparently, we’re in luck, because it was just about an hour before she had to leave for her nightshift. I’m sure she would have needed the sleep, but she said it was totally fine, not to worry about it. I shouldn’t worry about anything. While I worry so much I wanna throw up again. Being a burden to other people is about my worst nightmare. And these were two people I would have never wanted to get involved in this.  
But here I am.  
I mostly don’t talk, just try to answer the questions about the injuries as accurate as possible. I only really talk to Carmen, not to any doctors. I suspect that’s how I will get out of paying for any of it. And she is really nice. Much too nice. A few times I am about to sink down crying on her shoulder, but I don’t. I might be defeated but not that defeated. That she doesn't ask about my parents at all, I really appreciate this. I can well imagine that she would have preferred to call the police immediately. That's what sensible people do. That’s what sane people do. But I'm damn grateful that both she and Lawrence don't oppose my wishes.  
Everything is blur in the hospital. Everything is a blur. Period.  
Only back in Lawrence’s car do I realize where I am. But I keep my eyes closed. The lights outside are too bright and my head is killing me.  
“Usually, we should keep her here. But we didn’t see any bleeding. It should be fine.” Carmens voice. “Just make sure she sleeps. A lot. She needs to rest as much as possible. If her parents don’t, then we should both make sure she really does. For at least a week. Okay?”  
“Can really be that bad, huh?” Lawrence.  
“Yes. She’s actually lucky. Doesn’t seem too bad. But still. It can get worse if she doesn’t rest. So keep an eye on her, will you?”  
“For sure.” He sighs. “What about the ribs? Broken?”  
“No, only bruised. That will also take a while.” Now Carmen sighs. “And you’re sure we shouldn’t just call-”  
“No, I know. I really want to, we should but… she was pleading not to, so I …” He stops, maybe he’s shaking his head, I dunno. The voices seem to be fading in and out.  
“Painkillers …”  
“… Bastard.”  
“Worried … happen again … mom …”  
“… punch to the face … prick”  
“Johnny …”  
“Johnny,” I find myself suddenly saying. The car seems to be long on the road. Must have fallen asleep after all. But somehow that stuck with me.  
“What?” He says, but not in a confused way. Just me saying his name. He’s just answering me. But I don’t call him that usually. My eyelids are too heavy to lift them. “We’re almost back home,” he says after a while when I don’t respond.  
Suddenly my stomach clenches again.  
“I …” I take a deep breath, flinch because of the pain. “Please don’t make me go home.” I sound like a little girl. My voice is small, tiny even. It’s a plea. And I start breathing a little too fast, hurting.  
“No, it’s fine, Beth. You can stay with me for tonight. You hear me?” His voice sounds strangely soft. Is that really Lawrence? Or was he replaced sometime in the last hour?  
„Thank you.“ I swallow. „Thanks, Mr. … Sensei Lawrence.”  
“And I thought we were already at the Johnny stage.” Now he chuckles. “Please do. I’m only Sensei Lawrence in the dojo. Johnny is fine. Okay?”  
“What?” I get to open one of my eyes, look at him grinning. “Johnny’s just weird though. Sounds like you’re not old.”  
He huffs. “Hey, you’re in my car. Be nice.”  
I close my eyes again. Relieved. He’s still him.  
“You know …” I start again and I don’t even know why. “At least I struck first.”  
I expect him to laugh or to say ‘Good job’ or something. Instead, he’s quiet a little while too long.  
“You did?” he finally asks.  
“I did,” I announce proudly. “He didn’t like it. Obviously. But you know what? I did get him away from my mom.” I take a light breath, not too deep for several hurting reasons. “That’s something, right?”  
Carefully I look at him. He swallows, looks concentrated on the street.  
“That’s something,” he agrees.  
And then I’m out cold. 

\---

When I awaken in a strangers bed I’m confused as fuck. Also, my head hurts like it’s gonna explode. The air is humid, but the sheets smell freshly washed. The room barely has anything in it but the bed and a nightstand.  
Where the hell … ?  
I wanna sit up, but pain shoots through my upper body, so I decide to just lie back down.  
For a moment I hold my breath.  
Then it all comes back to me.  
I’m at Lawrence’s house. Johnnys house. I cringe. That’s so weird. I don’t think I can call him that.  
And he must actually have given me his bed. But wait. I frown. Last thing I remember is being in the car.  
Oh my god. I put a hand on my face, flinch when I touch my bruised cheek on accident. This must mean he carried me into his apartment.  
I.wanna.die.right.now.  
My eyes fly open.  
Clumsily, I push the thin blanket aside and have never been so relieved that not all movie clichés come true. I'm still wearing my clothes from the night before. Thank you. And also: ew. There’s some blood on my shirt. Great.  
Helplessly I look around. To my surprise there is a glass of water and some pills on the nightstand. It only takes a blink of an eye for me to swallow those. Also, I gulp the whole glass of water at once. Then I stay there for a while.  
It’s quiet, very quiet and I wonder if Lawrence is even at home.  
But even though I really feel like I want to keep sleeping, I sit up, once the pain subsides a little from the pills. I breathe in as deep as possible, close my eyes just for a moment.  
Then I stand up on wobbly legs, but I can keep my balance this time, not like last night. Improvement. My steps are still very little and careful. Baby steps.  
Silently I slip out the door, find myself in a little hallway and when I turn the corner, Lawrence sits on his couch, arms crossed over his chest, eyes closed.  
I swallow, wonder if I should just sneak back into the room, not wanting to wake him up. I’m the reason he’s that tired in the first place.  
But before I can even turn, he’s already opening the eyes.  
He immediately sits up, blinks briefly and rubs his hand over his face.  
"Beth, you're awake." He smiles weakly. “How are you feeling?”  
“Like a train wreck,” I admit. “Thanks though. For everything.”  
He nods.  
I stare.  
“Uhm …” I falter, suddenly embarrassed, looking down at the floor. "Would it be possible for me to take a quick shower here, or ...?" But then I quickly shake my head. "Wait, nonsense. I can just go home, and ..."  
"No way." Lawrence shakes his head. "Carmen would rip my head off if I let you go over there."  
"Oh, my parents definitely shouldn't be there if that-"  
"I know," he says before I can elaborate. Then he picks up a smartphone from the table, wiggles it in the air. My smartphone. My eyebrows go up. "I saw a message light up and took a quick look." Hesitantly, I walk over to him to take the phone, not sure for a moment if I should approve. Actually, he has no business checking my phone. But what am I imagining? Of course, he had to make sure that everything was fine and certainly didn't know any other way to help himself.  
I look at the display. There are a few messages from Jacky, one from Malia, and one from Miguel. But my eyes are glued to Mom's. 

Mom – Saturday 6:30 a.m.  
_Will be back tomorrow night. Make sure to clean up the mess in the kitchen, okay?  
x Mom_

I swallow hard, feeling the nausea coming back, moving a hand to my mouth in disbelieve. She didn’t even know I wasn’t at home anymore.  
“You okay?” Suddenly Lawrence is up on his feet, eyeing me with a worried look.  
The color must have drained from my face, but I wave it off. "It's fine." I shake my head. "I just can't believe she ... Whatever." I clench my hands, close my eyes for a second.  
“I went over there.” Lawrence says carefully watching my gaze.  
For a few seconds I’m confused.  
"What? I don't understand ..." I tilt my head. "How ... what ..."  
"When I read the message." He lowers his head, knowing that this may not be okay at all. „Took your key and went over there. Cleaned up the ‚mess‘, ‘cause I’m sure as hell not gonna have you do that shit. Would have rather liked to ‘clean up’ that asshole though.” He shrugs, points at my school bag that sits on the floor. That I never took here. “Uhm.” He’s scratching the back of his head. “I put some, uhm, clothes in there. Thought you’d rather have your own, than put on some old man’s cloths after you surely would want to take a shower.”  
My eyes go wide and my face goes hot.  
He also can’t look me in the eyes. “I know, I know, I’m sorry. Don’t wanna be weird, just wanted to be helpful. I swear I didn’t really look, just opened a drawer and put stuff in the bag.”  
I’m stunned. Too stunned to find words.  
Not because Lawrence probably saw my damn panties, the boring bras that could belong to a granny and maybe the pajamas with the animal patterns.  
But because he even thought about what would be most comfortable for me after this bad night. Because that’s fucking thoughtful, even though it’s a little awkward.  
Briefly, I have the feeling that I can't breathe. But not out of fear or anything else. No, I'm overwhelmed by everything he's done for me after I kicked him out of bed in the middle of the night.  
How do I even deserve this? How is this happening to me? Something that good?  
I still can’t find the words and my face must be burning right off.  
“Thanks”, I say quickly and grab the bag.  
“Alright.” Lawrence clears his throat. "I'm going out for a minute to do some grocery shopping. You'll be okay for now?"  
Hastily, I nod.  
"Yep, thanks."  
He nods, satisfied.  
"I already put towels and stuff out for you, um ..." He looks away. „See you later!“  
I nod. He nods.  
Then I turn around and run – as fast as a dizzy concussed person can – to the bathroom. 

I have to smile when I enter the tiny bathroom. You can tell that he lives here alone. There is barely anything in here and the room isn’t all too clean. But he did pull out some shower gel und shampoo, put it beside a fluffy large towel. The stuff looks brand new, and I wonder if he specifically got it for me. I hope not. I can’t take any more thoughtfulness from that man, that I shook my head over so many times in the past.  
Even though he only owns the bare minimum of bathroom items, he does have a mirror above the sink. That fact makes me hesitate to go over there. Because I do wanna see and I don’t. Ultimately, I decide, to rip the band aid off quickly.  
And I look as bad, as I thought, maybe even a little worse.  
On my left forehead there is a gashing wound that has been stitched – damn, I didn’t even realize that happened, I must have been really out of it in the hospital – and the skin is turning purple all around. My right cheek has also turned purple, and I spot the same color on the side of my neck, which I didn’t even realize I had. All in all, I really am a wreck. At least my hair looks kinda great for no reason.  
But hey. I make myself smile, ‘cause I feel I have enough reasons to.  
The hot water of the shower is a bit of a relieve as well. My muscles are sore as fuck and the heat does its job. I finally wash off the remaining blood stains and free myself from the layer of sweat that has settled disgustingly around me. And I'm sure that there were also remains of my stomach contents hanging in my hair somewhere.  
I get a little dizzy again, which is why I put my head against the wall for a while. The shower is probably way too hot, but I don't want to make it colder, I enjoy the heat.  
But with my eyes closed, my thoughts begin to race. Not in a good way.  
I swallow hard.  
This time everything is different. Normally I would be sitting in my room right now, pressing a pack of frozen peas to my stomach and head. I would be alone, maybe writing Jacky, but telling her that it wasn't so bad. That I wouldn't be coming to school for the next few days, though. But that she needn't worry.  
I would avoid eye contact with Chris, who would keep shaking his head at me because it was my own fault for being so beat up. Once again, he had no choice. If only I hadn't been so cheeky and all. _Such a fucking brat._  
But now, all of a sudden, here I am. For the moment Chris is so far away, has no power over me at all. In a stranger's apartment ... no, a friend's apartment. Someone who actually cares that I'm okay. Who goes the extra mile, no questions asked.  
I turn off the faucet, slide down the wall and sit in the shower tub for a while.  
The tears come all at once and won't stop. I give in and cry and don't know why. One of the emotions is definitely gratitude, but the other is pain and another ... fear?  
Because I know full well that all of this is temporary. I have to go back home at some point. And then?  
How will this go on?  
I've never stood up to Chris. It would be ridiculous to think that there won't be consequences.  
I press my hands over my eyes, suppressing a sob as I feel the pain in my ribs more clearly now.  
What is to become of me?  
How is this all going to go on?  
The worst thing is not having an answer.


	8. Ah, fuck it

**8 - Ah, fuck it**

After I’m all dried up and in some cozy pajamas Lawrence brought from my room, I have another look at my phone. It suddenly dawns on me that I must have forgotten about something really important. It’s already 3:30 p.m. Beside the texts there’re now also a few missed calls from Jacky and Lydia.   
Fuck.   
The weekend trip. Sighing, I sink down on the couch, take two of the painkillers that are sitting on the table and start scrolling through my messages. 

From: Jacky – 11:02 a.m.   
_U coming? Lydia is almost there._

From: Jacky – 11:31 a.m.   
_Where r u?_

From: Miguel – 11:47 a.m.  
 _Hey Beth! My mom told me you were in some kind of a fight or accident yesterday? Are you okay? Let me know, if you’re okay! Happy to hang out! Or talk. Or both._

Aw, he’s such a sweety pie. 

From: Malia – 11:48 a.m.  
 _We’re starting to get really worried. Can you please call one of us?_

Missed call from: Lydia – 11:57 a.m.

Missed call(s) from (2): Jacky – 12:05 p.m. & 12:27 p.m. 

From: Jacky – 12:33 p.m.  
 _Really hopin’ u just forgot. I know u don’t want us to come to your place. Please tell me u r ok, ASAP!_

To: Jacky – 3:47 p.m.   
_Sorry! Long night studying, overslept and empty battery. I’m fine. Just forgot. Tell the others I’m sorry, please? Have fun!_

I’m about to put down my phone when the screen lights up. Incoming call from Jacky.   
I sigh, pressing the green button. 

Jacky: _We didn’t go. We wanted you to come with, so we went to Lydias place instead._ – short pause. – _You really okay, Beth? What really happened? This was such an obvious lie-message, I can tell, girl!_

I bite my lip. 

Beth: _Uhm …_  
Jacky: _… What is it? Did Chris … Fuck. Okay, I went outside. The others can’t hear me. Tell me, Beth. You really okay?_

I sigh, closing my eyes. 

Beth: _No, not really. It was really bad this time._ – I gulp – _Might have a concussion and bruised rips. I don’t think I can come to school next week._ – I sigh again. – _maybe if I tell everybody I’m doing karate._ – Now I laugh – _but Chris wouldn’t want me to go anyways. To scared that the teachers get suspicious. You know, same old._

Jacky stays silent for a moment. But I don’t dare say any more. 

Jacky: _You really gotta get out of there_ – now she’s sighing – _Beth, this is not okay._  
Beth: _I know. But my mom._  
Jacky: _Yeah, I know. But maybe it’s time she takes care of herself._  
Beth: _Great, and where would I go?_  
Jacky: _Live with me of course._

I laugh out loud. 

Beth: _Sure, your mom would be happy about that._

Jacky must be smiling, I can’t see her, but I can tell. 

Jacky: _Where are you right now? Should I come over?_  
Beth: _Uh …_ \- I pause – _I’m actually_ – okay, this is awkward – _I’m at my karate Senseis place. He’s my neighbor. The blonde drunk dude actually._ – I chuckle, pressing my hand on my rips, ‘cause it still hurts like a motherfucker.   
Jacky: _WHAT?_ – now Jacky laughs – _You’re kidding, right?_  
Beth: _He was actually really great. Took me to the hospital, let me sleep at his place._ – I shake my head still disbelieving – _Don’t know what I would have done without him._  
Jacky: _Wow. That’s great, I’m super glad somebody was there. ‘Cause you know how it is with me taking the car in the middle of the night. Tell him thanks from your bestie._  
Beth: _I will, thank_ s – I’m yawning for no reason, feeling the exhaustion taking the better of me.   
Jacky: _You should rest, huh?_ – short silence – _how long can you stay with him? I hope you don’t have to go back right away? I really want to know you’re safe._

I pause. Don’t want to think about it. 

Beth: _I don’t know. We’ll see._  
Jacky: _Let me know! Might come over tomorrow, okay? You go rest the hell out of your rest._  
Beth: _Jacky? Thanks. As always. Love you._  
Jacky: _You know, I don’t accept thanks for that. Love you. Take care. Write me when you’re up later. Just making sure you’re checking in with me, okay?_  
Beth: _Okay._

With that I just let myself drift away half sitting, half lying on the couch. It’s suddenly so hard to stay awake. 

There’s some rumbling and for a split second I expect to see an angry Chris, when I open my eyes. Then I remember where I am. The pain in my head is piercing again, so I put my hand on it, when I sit up groggily.   
“You good?”   
My head shoots up and I see Lawrence in his little kitchen, putting some stuff on the counter from some bag.   
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” He stops short, when I don’t answer. “You alright? How are you feeling?”   
I give him a thumbs up. “It’s fine,” I say and wish I meant it.   
“Need some more painkillers?”   
I swallow.   
“Nah. I’d rather not.” Too many pills won’t be good. “I like to suffer.” I wink weakly but wonder if there is some truth to it.   
“Taking it like a Cobra.” He continues putting stuff into the fridge. “I like it.” Then he gets something from one of the bags and walks over to me. “But really, don’t push yourself too hard, alright?” He hands me a frozen pack of … peas. The cheap ones. I can’t keep from grinning. “Your favorite ones. Got them specially for you.”   
“Thanks.” I shake my head and put them on my ribs. Then I close my eyes for a moment, enjoying the relieve.   
For a while I just sit there, just trying to ignore everything hurting, not saying a word. Lawrence stays silent as well, but it’s not like it’s awkward. It’s actually perfect.   
When he starts frying something smelling really delicious, I stare at him until he looks at me.   
“Hungry?”  
I nod. Oh, do I nod. I didn’t notice until I smelled the food, the I haven’t eaten anything for like … half a day? Minus dinner that was ‘eaten’ by the toilet.   
“Hope you like some bacon and eggs,” he says, not looking at me, instead concentrating on the pan.   
“For dinner?” I want to know.   
To that he looks up, frowns.   
“Yeah, you got a problem with that?”  
I smile, throw up my hands. “God, no! I think breakfast for dinner is the best!” It’s true. “And, duh, who doesn’t like bacon and eggs?”  
“Well, you tell me. Have you not noticed that invasion of vegetarians lately?” He’s shaking his head, like somebody insulted his granny.   
“Well, I mean climate change and industrial livestock …” I don’t dare look at him, but grin to myself, because I know exactly how he’s going to react. “Those are real things, so we should actually-”   
“Bullshit!” he comments, waving the spatula around. “Don’t give me that pussy crap.”  
I bite my lips, because this is too much fun.   
“Alright, alright, give me all the bacon you got,” I capitulate.   
“You sure? Not worried about some sad cows somewhere?” He wants to tease me, and I could challenge him. But I let him.   
“Oh, I insist, Mr. Lawrence.”   
He rolls his eyes.  
“Don’t call me that!”   
A few minutes later he comes to sit next to me on the couch, pan in the hand, putting it directly on the table and giving me a fork. Just for a moment I wonder about plates, but then just go with it. I mean, why not eat directly out of the pan? This saves a lot of washing up later.   
I scoop up as much as I can on my fork, feeling suddenly starving, having the good smelling food right in front of me. But I notice that he is holding back.  
“Just eat as much as you want,” he insists without me even asking about it. Instead, he’s tapping his fingers on his knee. He seems to be about to say something more, but waits, turns on the TV on the opposite wall instead.   
It might be time to talk about some more serious stuff, I’m aware. And even though he seems to want me to eat in peace first, I already feel the nausea creeping up and stop.  
“What? You done already?” he notices confused, watches me carefully. “You know proteins rule, so …”  
“Just get is out.” I look him straight in the eyes now. “What do you have to say?”   
To that he sighs and turns off the TV again. He hesitates, takes another fork and takes his time chewing. I watch him, wanting to know what it is.   
"So your parents come back tomorrow night, right?" he asks casually.   
I don’t even wanna think about it, but nod.  
„Yeah.“   
„So what are you gonna do?”, he wants to know.   
I just stare at him for a few seconds, then look down.  
“I guess I’m just gonna go home.” I shrug. What else is there to do?   
“Are you serious? Just like that?” He shakes his head. “Beth, I mean it’s your decision, but don’t you think it’s time to have this motherfucker taken in by the police? He went too far. Way too far. Not that any kind of domestic violence is okay at all. But even by your standards I imagine he went all out. Right?”   
I swallow hard, because he is right. This has been the worst time yet. And I do wonder, what the aftermath might be. Now that he knows I can fight back. Chris is not going to like that.   
I breathe deeply for a moment, suddenly feeling an uncomfortable tightness around my chest. „I know but …“  
„What’s holding you back, really?“ He also stops eating, putting his fork in the pan. “And what’s up with your mom? Doesn’t she want him to get punished for beating the living hell out of you and I imagine her? Why are you so sure she wouldn’t want to report him? I can’t imagine any mom to be okay with having their kid-”  
“Because I already tried.”   
Suddenly I’m cold. I clench my hands to fists, close my eyes, because the dizziness is taling hold on me.   
Lawrence stays silent, waits patiently for me to say more.   
I press the frozen peas harder to my ribs, feeling the pain to snap out of my sudden stupor.   
The lump in my throat is killing me.  
“The first time this happened, two years ago, I already tried.” Now I intertwine my arms with each other, rubbing tensely over them. „We were shocked of course after he hit mom for the first time. I got her to join me right away. We went directly to the police the next day …” I swallow, finding it harder to breathe with every word. “Just to find out, that he has some friend in the force. And you know, he must have talked to them before, discrediting me. They believed that I was having angry attacks, being on drugs all the time or something, letting it all out on my mom. Like I was crazy or something.” I bite my lip, look to the floor, holding my breath for a moment. “We didn’t even get a chance to explain anything. So we let it slide, ‘cause my mom was scared I would get into trouble otherwise.” Trying to stay calm, I breathe in, feeling my hands shaking already. “I wanted her to leave him, but she said she couldn’t. I don’t know why. If she really loves him that goddamn much or he has something in his hands against her? She started to change. So much. Suddenly only what Chris said, was right. He was like her god. Suddenly she was so absolutely dependent on him.” Slightly I shake my head, breathing heavily now. “And I don’t know, I have no idea why, ‘cause we don’t really talk to each other anymore. When we do it’s just accusations. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just to protect me or something. But she doesn’t really. Sometimes she gets the beating, but sometimes I do and she doesn’t even try to stop it. Like I deserve it. Like I’m always the bad guy. But Chris is the good guy? The one beating us? I don’t get it. I just-”  
I can feel my head screaming from the inside again, close my eyes.  
“That’s seriously fucked up,” Lawrence admits.   
I nod, feeling dizzy, while trying to catch my breath, fighting down the nausea.   
“Hey, you alright?” He puts his hand on my shoulder. I squeeze my eyes shut harder, nod to convince him and myself. “It’s alright. You’re okay,” he says sounding a little helpless. “Hey, you having trouble breathing? The ribs that bad?” Now he’s pressing on my upper arm a little. “Beth? Should I get Carmen? Hey …”  
Promptly I shake my head. “I’m fine,” I press the words through my trembling lips, remember to breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth to calm myself. “It’s fine.”   
And “I’m sorry.” I’m sure he has no idea in hell how to handle somebody having a meltdown in front of him. I’m not sure I would. And I hate him seeing me. I’m fucking strong, I don’t need him to know that sometimes I’m not. I clench my fists, concentrate on the breathing and it works, I start breathing more slowly, steadily.   
When I finally open my eyes, he’s just staring at me, lowering his gaze.   
“You good?”  
“I’m good!” It comes out a little more angry than intended. Angry at myself.   
But I feel like he might be one of the few people getting that. And suddenly I don’t want to leave. I look at the door, thinking about that empty apartment, that place I want to be least right now or ever again.   
“Can I stay here tonight again?” I barely dare say this out loud, but I do.   
“Of course.” He doesn’t even miss a beat. “As long as you want to, kid.”   
“Oh!” I interject. “Just tonight is fine. I don’t think I can just stay away for too long. That would just result in …” I shake my head. “I have so think about what’s best for my mom. Can’t leave her alone with him.”   
Lawrence sighs. “I’m actually not sure how I’m supposed to let you go back there.”  
I look up at him. Thankful because he is even considering this. Then I force myself to smile.   
“Teach me more karate,” I say. “Then you don’t have to worry.”   
To that he grins as well. Seemingly relieved that I’m open for jokes again.   
“I do want _you_ to beat the crap out of him,” he agrees. “And I’m sure you can. However … Carmen did say that for the next week or two you shouldn’t-“  
“It’s gonna be fine,” I nod understandingly. “He wouldn’t just … he doesn’t do it that often. I’ll be fine. Thanks.”   
He looks at me silently for a few moments.   
“You let me know, okay? When he starts acting out?” Then he reaches his pocket, takes out his phone, one of those old flip phones. “So you call me, or text me, whatever.” He stares at me. “Promise that you will. This can’t happen. Ever again.”   
I swallow, hold his gaze but nod. “I promise.” 

The tiredness is getting the better of me. Not only do I go to bed early – and Lawrence insists me sleeping in the bed while he stays on the couch – when I wake up Sunday has half passed and even then, I can barely keep my eyes open. When Carmen visits shortly she does tell me, that’s exactly the right thing to do right now. To keep sleeping is the best medicine, at least the first few days. Which is why I don’t fight it.   
Lawrence brought me some lunch, when I must have fallen asleep again, ‘cause it’s cold, when I wake up. I text Jacky that I’m literally sleepwalking and that she should visit me another day.   
It’s already late afternoon, when I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. This is when I can’t go back to sleep anymore. Because my heart is racing and it’s hard to breathe. Again.   
Not long now.   
Let’s be honest. I would give anything to not have to go back home right now. I’ve got nothing left there. If I could, I would just get out of there, and in my head I told myself that I will, at least when I’m eighteen. But will I really? I swallow. How am I supposed to leave mom alone with him?   
I shake my head, not wanting to overthink this.   
I just wish I got to enjoy the time a little more. Instead, it’s like I missed a day of freedom.   
But I can’t help it now, can I?   
Because I know them so well, I know coming back ‘at night’ means them being back by like 6 p.m., which is why I scramble out of bed around 4:30 p.m.  
I’m still in my pajamas, but don’t really care.  
When I get to the living room, Lawrence is lying on the couch, TV on, his eyes closed and some beer cans on the table. I smile to myself.   
“Hey,” I say carefully.   
He blinks, sits right up.  
“Hey,” Nodding he is looking at the backpack in my hand. Then he sighs. “You could really just stay.”   
I smile.   
“Thanks. I really appreciate your help. Really. But I can’t just stay and hide here forever.” I take a deep breath. “I gotta go.” Then I shrug. “I wanna settle in there before they come home. And then I’m just gonna stay in my rooms. It’s gonna be fine.” I nod encouragingly.   
He stares at me again, frowning. Taking much longer than neededas if he were deep in thought.   
“Alright.” He’s standing up. “Come on. I’m gonna take you over there.”  
I snort, holding my ribs in the process.   
“Seriously?” I’m shaking my head. “It’s fine. I will get there on my own. I’m gonna avoid the thugs on the way, okay? Don’t worry.”   
He’s not convinced and without me having a chance to do anything about it, he’s taking my backpack.   
"Yeah? Let's see you conquer those stairs, I'm excited." With that, he opens the doors, wants me to go ahead.   
I roll my eyes, but walk out and don't let on that it's not at all easy for me to do so. I stop briefly in front of the stairs, look back at him. Lawrence raises his eyebrows expectantly.   
I sigh softly enough that I hope he can't hear.   
As I lift my leg to get past the first step, I falter briefly, hoping he hasn't noticed, and try the next. _Fuck._ I just curse inside of my head, unable to let him be right. Still, it's not long before I hear him smirk behind me.   
But he says nothing, saves himself a stupid comment and is instead at my side immediately and supports me on the way up. Great, now he won.   
„So that was easy, wasn’t it?“ I can see that he is fighting a grin.   
I’m about to give a great come back, when I see a car pull into the parking lot below.   
My eyes go wide, my heart sinks.   
Lawrence understands instantly, turns around and spots Chris and Mom probably in the same second. But like me, he doesn't move, just watches.   
When Mom gets out and she spots me, her gaze jumps back and forth between us. She frowns.  
„Beth? Who’s that?“ she wants to know.   
Chris is out of the care as well, eyeing Lawrence up and down.   
“Isn’t that the drunk fucker from …” He shakes his head. “Come on … What the fuck, Beth? Why are you even talking to that idiot? You shouldn’t even be outside. People are gonna talk. And I don’t wanna see your silly little face … like that.”   
Lawrence is talking a deep breath beside me, clenching his hands to fists. I see him swallow, slightly shaking his head.   
“Fuck it,” he says barely audible. He turns back to me just for a second. “Sorry, Beth.” And then, before I even realize what he is about to do, he’s down the stairs.   
I want to call out to him, want him to not do it. Like he said he wouldn’t.  
But by then his fist has already hit Chris’ face. “Her face _like that_ , huh?” he bellows. His other fist he rams into Chris’ stomach. My mom is screaming. Chris curses and is about to punch Lawrence back, but he is way too slow. Lawrence slams a fist to the other side of Chris’ face, so that he falls back, stumbling onto his own car. Lawrence takes him by the collar, fist in the air, ready to punch him again. “Don’t you fucking touch her again. Ever!” he hisses. But Chris just stares at him, so Lawrence almost hits him again, but suddenly Chris is screaming.   
“Alright!” he yells. “Alright, let go, you asshole!”   
Lawrence just stares at him, not letting go yet.  
“Ever!” he repeats and finally releases him.   
Chris is sinking down the car, breathing heavily.   
Lawrence is rearranging his shirt, looking back at me with a nod. I just stare and nod slowly, not knowing why there is a smile on my face. I didn’t want this? Did I?  
Then he goes back to his apartment and I hurry inside my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Johnny :D


	9. I settle down in the dump

**9 - I settle down in the dump**

From: Beth – 5:13 p.m  
 _You could go to jail for that …_

From: Johnny Lawrence – 5:20 p.m.  
 _So what. No worries._

From: Johnny Lawrence – 5:21 p.m.  
 _You good? Did they say anything?_

From: Beth – 5:23 p.m  
 _Not a word …_

From: Johnny Lawrence – 5:24 p.m.  
 _Good_

I wait for a long time before I leave my room again. They are arguing in the kitchen and I do wonder if Lawrence’s stance has made everything worse or better. For a second I fear the worst, that he already hit her again. But I gulp instead, when I stand in the doorway and they look at me accusingly. My mom has a wet towel in her hand, wanting to touch his wounded face with it, but he doesn’t let her.   
Chris’ head promptly goes so red when he spots me, I fear it might explode. But I keep on breathing steadily, not wanting to be afraid anymore. When my mom looks up, she just looks tired and maybe disappointed.   
“That dude your boyfriend now, or what?” Chris bellows.   
My eyes widen with disbelief.  
“What? Oh my god, no!” I reply disturbed. “The guy is like fifty or something. Ew!”   
“Oh, so you’re just fucking him? Great!”  
My eyes might just fall out of my face.   
I know I should stay calm, keeping the rage down, not make him angry. But there is hope in me, that he truly won’t dare to do anything. I have my phone ready in my pocket, I could indeed call Lawrence within seconds.   
“Are you fucking kidding me, Chris?” This time I am the one yelling. But I stay at the door, just to be safe. “I am not at all in any kind of …” I just shake my head. “For your information, he took me to the hospital, because I really fucking needed to go there after you beat me up, Chris!” Now I’m breathing heavily. “He’s my friend. So don’t you dare!”   
He stares at me. I don’t look away for a second.   
“Beth, I don’t understand … why would you get involved with …” Mom is the one that doesn’t dare to look me in the eyes. I press my lips together disappointed. “He’s some dumb drunk. Don’t you know that?”  
“He is not!” Dizziness is starting to rise up in me again, so I steady myself at the door frame. “He is actually a real damn decent person!”   
“Decent person? Are you kidding me? He fucking punched me in the face,” Chris seems to take deep breaths to maybe keep his own rage at bay.   
“Because you fucking punched me into unconsciousness!” I shout, my heart pumping way too fast. I hold onto the door frame a little tighter. I need to get back to my room, but I can't just give in yet. "Mom." Now I turn to her. “I have a concussion. You need to call the school in the morning. Tell them I can’t come in this week.“   
„Oh, don’t be such a baby!“ Chris says annoyed. “You stay home a day and then you’re fine. It doesn’t even look that bad.”   
I swallow hard.   
“Just call them.”   
And with that I return to my room. Let myself fall onto the bed. My head is spinning, my mind is spinning. And I just let it spin and spin and spin until it doesn’t anymore. 

My phone makes a sound.

From: Johnny Lawrence – 8:47 p.m.  
 _I heard yelling. Was that you?_

I smile, even though my head is killing me. 

From: Beth – 8:51 p.m.  
 _Yup. Made a statement._

From: Johnny Lawrence – 8:52 p.m.  
 _Nice!_

From: Johnny Lawrence – 8:54 p.m.  
 _You okay?_

I stay at the display for a few minutes. Right now, I want to be anywhere else but here. I feel worse than I did yesterday. I kinda wanna cry. Like a pussy. Ha! 

I type: _No._  
But I delete it right away. 

From: Beth – 9:02 p.m.  
 _Yup._

\--- 

My head is throbbing when I wake up the next morning. But mom did excuse me from school today, so I go back to sleep.   
It’s past noon when I wake up again and I text Jacky right away this time. 

From: Beth – 1.45 p.m.  
 _You wanna come over after school? ‘Giving me my homework’ and u know … hang? Parents should be out until like 4 p.m._

From: Jacky – 2.02 p.m.  
 _Be there in 15_

When I open the door for her, I’m smiling widely, happy to see a friendly face. But Jacky just looks shocked, staring at me.   
Oh right. I do look like shit.   
I grin even brighter in pure agony. “Surprise?”   
“Beth …” She seems to want to say more but doesn’t. Instead, she leans in for a hug, but I flinch away.  
“Uhm, bruised ribs.”  
“Oh, right.” She presses her lips together.   
Jacky doesn’t say another word, when I lead her to my room, finally sighs, when she puts down her backpack.  
“Beth, you need to leave this house.”   
“It’s fine, actually.” I sit down on my head. “The dude … my Sensei … Lawrence, he beat up Chris a little but, telling him to leave me be. So, I’m good. I don’t think he will do it again.”  
Jacky stares at me for a few seconds.  
“I …” She frowns shaking her head. “He beat him up? Just like that?”  
“Yup.” I shrug.   
“That’s …” Now she’s chuckling, her face lighting up a little. “That’s kinda awesome.”   
“I know right.” I sigh. “I mean, I hope Chris won’t get him into trouble with the police for it.”   
“Shit, that’s right. He has his friend there, right?” Jacky agrees. “But maybe it’s all just gonna be fine.” She smiles encouraging. “Are you okay?”   
I just look at her, take a deep breath. Then I lower my head, close my eyes for a moment.   
"I guess so ... I don't know." Uncertainly, I look up. "Actually, I just want to get out of here." I prop my head in my hands. "But no matter what, I can't leave Mom alone with him. Ever."   
"I know." Jacky reaches for my hand. "I know."   
Usually Jacky always knows just the right thing to say. But even she is at a loss.  
"What if you talk to her again? Chris has really gone too far. Not that he doesn't always go too far, actually."   
I'm already shaking my head because we've been over this so many times.   
But then I falter. Stare at my own hands.   
Mom was never going to be convinced. Chris is dangerous, because we couldn't hurt him. But what if I really do train harder? What if Chris loses his power? Then surely Mom will be persuaded.   
Jacky seems to read my mind.  
"You as a karate pro?" She wiggles her eyebrows. "I can see it happening. There would be no more reason to be afraid."   
Suddenly, the headache lessens. I laugh softly.   
"You're right," I finally admit. "I'll talk to her as soon as I can."   
Jacky enthusiastically drops onto the bed next to me, reaching out her arms and gently, carefully squeezing me.  
"That sounds wonderful! Let me know if you want me to join you or anything." Now she nudges me on the shoulder, and I smile gratefully.   
"Now, Beth ..." She pulls her backpack toward the bed. "The important stuff."   
I expect her to unpack some worksheets, homework and the things I missed. In fact, I lost way too much time studying this weekend, and even now my head isn't really cooperating.  
But instead, Jacky is waiting, grinning broadly as she pulls something out of her backpack.   
"Chips, chocolate, peanuts, Beth... EVERYTHING you can imagine!"   
"Oh my gosh!" Thrilled, I take the bag of chips from her hand. "Jacky ..." Now I look deep into her eyes. "You are a goddess!" 

\--- 

My mom also makes me excuse myself the next day, and I hope that the headache will subside soon, that I can at least use the "free" time to study. And I also hope to catch her alone soon, but somehow she seems to be avoiding me. For now, that's okay. I need to get back in shape before I can claim that I can protect both of us. Still, I don't understand why it's me who's being ignored.

On Wednesday morning, my mother storms into the room and kicks me out of bed at the usual time.   
"Mom," I mutter, exhausted. "I don't think I'll be able to go to school this week." The dizziness and pain still haven't completely gone away. And hadn't Carmen said at least a week?  
"Oh, come on, Beth. Don't be like that." Mom doesn't look at me as she talks to me, and it makes her sound like she's memorized these words. "You can't keep missing. You're the one who wants that great degree, aren’t you? Let's go. Don't be late again."  
I gulp, not prepared for this, but if Mom doesn't excuse me, I'll get the time written down as unexcused absence. Sighing, I sit up.   
"Mom, I really don't think that's ..."   
"Just do what I say, please." She finally looks at me, but she seems tired and pleading. Immediately, I have a thick lump in my throat and lower my gaze as a guilty conscience catches up with me.   
"Mom," I finally say before she disappears from the room again and then the rest of the day. "Can we talk again sometime? Like, really? When you have time?"   
She bites her lip, exhales deeply.   
"I don't have time, Beth." That's all she says before disappearing from the room and then, just minutes later, pulling the front door shut behind her.   
I sigh tensely and change like the slowest person in the universe. 

Just getting the bike out of the bike chain is a struggle that has me cursing several times. I still don't know how to even keep my balance on it, but hey, I just don't have any other choice. The least I can do, is show her how wrong she was, scraping me off the concrete later.   
"Beth?"   
I turn around, when I hear his voice. His eyebrows shoot up.  
„What are you doing? Aren’t you supposed to rest until the end of the week?”   
I smile weakly.   
“Well, not on my mom’s watch. But gotta get to school somehow first.”   
Lawrence rolls his eyes.  
“Seriously?” He is shaking his head. “Come here, I’ll drive.”  
I blink. “You sure?” That would actually be perfect. “Don’t wanna hold you back from anything.”   
“Nah, not at all. And you’re not gonna go to school. Carmen specifically told me, that you also shouldn’t do too much mental work of something. Seems to be a real thing.”  
“Oh wow,” I say. “She really instructed you, huh?”  
“Yeah. She knows that teenagers don’t listen.”   
We go to the car anyways, which makes me frown.   
“Okay. But you are driving me to the school now?”   
“No, I won’t.”   
“Uh …” I stop in my tracks. “But I can’t just skip school without my parents calling in.”   
“Really? No skipping?” He sounds a little annoyed.  
“Well, I have to keep my grades up, you know. If I wanna have a better future than …” I gesture to the building. “Than this.”   
He grunts.  
“Alright, give me the number of your school.”   
“What?”   
“Chris can also call in sick for you, yes?”   
“Uhm, yeah, I think so. They know he’s my stepdad.”  
“Good, then give me the number.”   
“Wait …” I’m confused for a moment. „So, you want to call, acting as Chris?”   
“You got it,” he says.   
“Isn’t that …”  
“Just give me the freaking number, Beth!”   
“Alright …” I groan, looking for the number in my phones.   
He squeezes his eyes a little, types in the number to his phone. Then he stays quiet for a while.   
“Yes, hi …” Oh my god. He’s talking extra deeply, not even close to Chris’ voice, but it’s hilarious and I have to keep myself from laughing out loud. “Yes, this is Chris …” He looks to me in shock. He doesn’t know Chris’ last name.   
“Torres,” I whisper.   
“Chris Torres? … Yeah, exactly Beth Harpers stepdad. … That’s right. It’s actually a concussion. And we want to be extra careful, you know. So at least this week … Yeah, exactly, you got me … totally, people take it way too lightly all the time. … Will let you know on Monday how it’s looking … Great, thanks. … Her friend can take that, uhm,”  
“Jacky Jones,” I say barely audible. For a second his eyebrows shoot up.  
“Best give it to Jacky Jones. Yes, correct … well thank you. Have a nice day.” He puts down the phones.  
“Jacky Jones? Really? What kind of name is that?” he wants to know.  
“I know right.” I laugh.   
“Alright, they totally want you to stay home for the rest of the week at least. All settled.” He is smiling proudly, then turns on the engine.   
“Thanks so much,” I say but look around. “But where are we going then?”   
He shrugs. “Taking you to the dojo, to training. You can still learn something by watching. Oh, but …” He wags his finger. “No too hard thinking okay? Just watching.”   
I smile to myself.  
“Sure.”   
And my heart feels lighter, as soon as we leave our house behind.


	10. Heard the crowd screaming

**10 - Heard the crowd screaming**

I should add selling lies to my list of skills I decide after I explain my drunken accident on the staircase when Miguel and the others want to know why I’m as beat up as I am. It’s really not that hard to sell it to unsuspicious people and I don’t even feel bad about it.   
I really like not being at home too much and it makes all this easier. The healing. Not having to hide in my room. And I’m sure there’s some truth to it. Strength comes from within. And strength is what I feel, when I’m with the others from the dojo, even sitting at the sideline. This is what I needed. Maybe this is, what I was missing the whole time. Belonging somewhere. Because I sure as hell don’t belong in my parents apartment. And the less I’m there, the better. 

This is also, why I decide to finally tell the truth – well, part of the truth – when I get back to school on Monday. Instead of spending lunch break in the cafeteria, we’re going for a walk, taking some sandwiches on the go. And it doesn’t even take as much courage as I thought it would.   
“So … I have to tell you guys something.”  
Jackys eyes go wide when I start, but I concentrate on Lydia and Malia.   
“I’m doing karate now,” I say. “At Cobra Kai.”  
They just stop moving. Jacky is amused.   
“No way!” Lydia is looking at me in shock. “That’s why you’re always gone after school? And that …” She points to the stitches on my forehead.   
I swallow.  
“Yup,” I lie once more, but smile. “That’s karate for you.” A half lie. But better than a full one. Right?  
“That’s amazing, Beth.” Malia smiles, pats me on the shoulder. “So, you guys beat up each other all the time? Or what?”  
“Oh, definitely.” I grin. “Feels good, I have to admit.”  
“Woa woa, you have to introduce me to that Hawk guy then,” Lydia insists.   
“That’s all you have to say about it?” I laugh. “Well, I guess I can introduce you. I’m kinda starting to hang out with the guys sometimes after training.”  
“I see.” Jacky crosses her arms, pretending to be offended. “So, they get more attention from you than we do, huh?” She smiles.   
“Sorry.” I scratch my head. “It’s hard balancing all this. But it’s working. And I did not forget about the weekend trip by the way!”   
“Yeah, wow, did you get that concussion during training?” Malia wants to know.   
Ugh, I didn’t prepare for that question.  
“Yup,” I simply say. “Was an accident. But all good now.” I childishly flex my muscles. “Only making me stronger.” And I do really love feeling stronger.   
Jacky shakes her head disapprovingly but smiles, nonetheless.   
“Maybe you should teach us some moves,” she says. “Just in case.”  
“Oh, yes please! You never know when there’s gonna be another perv at a party.” Lydia nods excited. “But not if I have to get punched in the face. Then, uhm, I’m out.”   
“Alright.” I grin. “Next time we do go to the beach, I’ll teach you all some moves.” 

\---

Once things have settled down, time seems to fly by for a while.   
Training is going on, Chris and Mom avoid me, but mostly leave out some food for me as in silent understanding and studying and more and more tests mostly take the rest of my time. Keeping busy seems to work out best to not get anxious about the future.   
So yeah, I totally got this. 

Therefore, I am a little surprised when Lawrence asks me into his office at one point.   
“So, you’re fully back in the game?” he wants to know, to which I nod.   
“Definitely!” I say, smiling proudly.   
“Your stepdad chilling out?”  
“Yup, mostly avoidance, which is good.”   
“Good.”   
“So?” I ask.   
He watches me intensely.   
“You think you’re ready for the tournament? You missed out on a few weeks.” He’s pointing at my ribs which took longest to heal. “But I feel like you’re in good shape. What do ya think?”   
I swallow. I never really considered taking part in the tournament. But everybody else is.   
“I mean, sure. Why not?” Why sweat it? It might actually be a really great feeling. Even though I’m sure I won’t get far.   
“Great.” Now he grins. “Then you’re on for tomorrow.”   
My eyebrows shoot up.  
“Tomorrow? What’s so special about tomorrow?” I want to know, but he just shrugs.   
“Maybe a little bit of a special training? I will come get you and Miguel. ‘s gonna be fun.”   
I squint my eyes a little as I stare at him expectantly. Nothing. He won’t spill.   
“Alright,” I simply conclude, shrugging.   
“Hey,” he says before I leave the office. “You wanna show me where you’re at?”   
I look at the clock. Training is almost over. I smile understanding where he’s coming from.  
“Come on, you just wanna beat me up, don’t ya?”   
“Of course!” He jumps from his chair, cracks his knuckles and concludes the training for everyone.   
I wait for him in the middle of the room, taking my stance before he can ask me to. I’m just a little nervous, haven’t really fought with anyone since the incident.   
Lawrence nods at me, taking his own stance and then dares me to strike first.   
I take a deep breath. And then I strike.   
He counters quickly, but I do the same, escaping his punches, throwing my own. There goes one to his chin. Blocked. One to his chest. Blocked. Going around, wanting to throw him, but he’s faster. I’m on the ground, catching my breath, keeping from pressing a hand to my ribs, that are mostly fine but still ache just a little bit. I get back up on my feet, attacking again. Throwing a punch to his face from the side, but he’s countering again, hitting me on the “good” side of my stomach. _Fuck._ I go around once more and when I’m back front, I throw a kick. Miss. Another one. Blocked. But I can’t give up yet. I take another deep breath. Block his punch, block a kick and then throw my own kick, hitting him in the chest. He stumbles backwards. Nodding approvingly.   
“You’re a little slow. A little heavy on some movements. Missing variety. Still need some more muscles.” He takes a deep breath. “But I think you’re on a good way.” He grins. “Not great, but good enough for now.”   
“So not really ready for the tournament,” I conclude, putting my hands on my hips.   
“Well, to be honest, most are not,” he explains.   
“Only Miguel,” I agree. “But you still want us to try.”  
“Exactly. And I want you to get as close to winning this as possible. Every single one.” He’s taking off his head band, training is officially over. “And at some point we take over the tournament.”   
I smile.   
“Sounds good.”   
I feel like we’re about to leave, when he holds me back once more.   
“Listen,” he says. “Something else.” He comes closer, looks around as if somebody could hear us, even though we are the only ones left. “I was thinking …” He is sighing. “So, you know how I beat up Chris?”   
I swallow but nod.   
“Yeah, how could I forget?”   
“Well, I was expecting there coming some backlash with him having a friend in the force. I mean, that’s what I would have done if I was him.” Then he shrugs. “But he didn’t. I haven’t had any trouble since. And I was wondering …” He looks away for a second, then straight back into my eyes. „Beth, I think he might not have this connection to the police anymore. He would have used it, if he had, wouldn’t he? I think you guys would actually have a shot if you tried again to get him arrested. Don’t you think?”  
“If he doesn’t.” I shake my head. “We don’t know for sure. Maybe has was just too lazy …”  
“But wouldn’t that only be one phone call away? And I’m sure he wouldn’t just let this go. He seems to be too proud a man for that.”   
I press my lips together, feeling a lump in my throat.  
“Maybe …” This is surreal. I haven’t really given it – any of it – any thought lately. Because if that were true … then there would be no reason anymore for me and mom to stay with him.   
“That’s good to know.” I don’t look at him now, feeling this tingly unpleasant feeling in the tips of my fingers. I nod slowly. “Very good to know.”   
And suddenly that crushing feeling on my chest is coming back. Because I can’t just keep going with the flow. I need to do something. And maybe rather sooner than later.   
I breathe deeply. But first I’m gonna get done with the training for the tournament. 

\---

When Lawrence takes us to an actual junk yard the next day, Miguel and me just stare at each other in disbelieve. So, this is the special training.   
Lawrence grins proudly.  
“Yeah, this is your dojo for today,” he explains.   
“What?” Miguel shakes his head. “What are we supposed to be doing here?”  
“You’ll see.” Is the only explanation we get.   
Before the others get there, he makes us put down some tires, which leaves me assuming the worst. Giving me boot camp vibes.   
Still, the other kids are impressed, when they join us. Maybe a change of scenery isn’t a bad idea after all.   
“This is dope!” Eli comments, being overly excited as always. This boy is gonna break somebodies’ bones at some point I’m sure.   
Lawrence climbs up on a minibus and stands up on it. Before he says anything, he’s opening one of his favorite Coors beers, gulping it down. Classic.   
„You've trained hard!“ he starts yelling. „You've gotten stronger, tougher, faster. You've done your best. You're ready for this tournament, am I right?” I grin. He’s having so much fun with this.   
“Yes, sensei!” everybody responds at the same time.   
Instead of confirming the confident shouts, he throws down his beer can, screaming: “Wrong!”   
Some of the kids flinch back.   
„Your best ain't shit! If you want to win the All-Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament, you gotta give me better than your best,“ he announces. “Which is why from now on, you're gonna get my worst. You understand?“   
I suppress a snort. I love this. Being a hard ass is, what makes everyone else want to do hard asses, too. It’s kinda impressive actually, how he presses all this strength out of everybody.   
„Yes, Sensei!” I shout with the others.   
“Are you losers?” he wants to know.   
“No, Sensei!”  
“Are you nerds?”   
“No, Sensei!”  
“Are you sure?“   
„No, Sensei!“  
He slaps the hands into his face. I laugh out loud, knowing full well he’s gonna be killing me with his gaze. But he just makes this so easy.   
And I’m getting the punishment for it right away.   
“Beth, you’re up first!” he commands, when we get to the tires on the ground. “Go, go, go, move those feet!” he screams, making me jump with my feet from one to the other and then me falling flat to the ground in it. Now he’s the one snorting at me for the first time. Most be fun. I give him that.   
“Again!” he yells, and makes me do it five times, always going faster, always falling a little harder, before I actually make it. And only then starts the group training. We do the running over the tires at least ten times, everybody falling onto each other, stumbling and finally making it a few times without.   
With that we’re finally allowed to move on to the next task. Destroying all kinds of cars with random junk. Letting out the anger. Aisha and I follow each other around, fighting with our tools a little bit, not caring at all if we hit any of the stuff around us.   
I actually enjoy this, breaking stuff. This feels good.   
At some point Miguel, Eli and I carry a car door out of a small building, throwing it down, laughing when it hits the ground and falls apart. The we high five each other. Nice shit!   
Afterwards Lawrence makes us walk over a beam over one of those junk containers, having to keep our balance or fall right into the sharp metal and glass in there.   
„There's nothing to fear except for fear itself,“ he explains this task. “And not falling in a bunch of sharp metal and broken glass, so don't do that!”  
I swallow only once, not having had the best balance for a while now. And I can see Lawrence watching me closely as I do. I’m actually nervous, having to take a short break in the middle of it. And it annoys the hell out of me, because it seems so easy for everybody else. I concentrate, maybe a little too much, because my sight seems to blur for a second. And I wobble shortly.   
“Beth, you good?” I hear Miguel scream, sounding a little worried.   
“Come on!” Lawrence bellows. “Concentrate, Missy! Don’t you dare fall off that beam. I’m gonna kick your ass.”   
I hold my breath, don’t look at him but look straight ahead instead. This isn’t so hard, I tell myself. _Don’t be a pussy, Beth._ I shake my head slightly, not believing I just told myself that.   
But then I make it. And I’m a little disappointed when we gather and seem to be about to leave. Lawrence looks around, handing out some dried meat.   
„You want to win, you gotta be hungry. You guys hungry?“  
„Yes, Sensei!” everybody shouts.   
I hesitate, when he wants to give me piece.   
This can’t be just a treat. I stare him in the eyes, but he just stares back innocently. And once he turns around and looks back to the group, I can see his grin. “Good. So are they.“  
And when he takes out a dog whistle, I suddenly understand.  
 _You gotta be shitting me, Mr. Sensei._  
I throw the piece of meat on the ground and run, before anybody else reacts. The barking comes from all direction, which is why I jump on top of the highest car I can find, as fast as possible. When the others react, the dogs are already here. Panic! Everybody is running.   
„Don't be afraid! They smell fear!“ Lawrence is grinning even wider, being totally satisfied with himself and this idea.   
“You are fucking kidding me, right?” I shout, but he doesn’t answer, just smiles and enjoys everybody running around, screaming.   
But when I hear Elis’s scream, I see his face falter and I slap a hand onto my mouth, when it happens. A dog actually got to him!   
I shake my head. So that’s how Lawrence wants everybody to toughen up. Great. 

And that’s not the last of it. Turns out, Lawrence is true to himself. He’s giving us his worst. The junk yard is only the first of the special trainings he has planned for us. On another day he’s making us run a few miles until everybody is throwing up. He’s making us do 100 push-ups each. And we’re doing some teachings in the ocean waves, one almost drowning Bert in the process. I’m actually not sure how much this makes us physically stronger. But I have to admit, that it makes us – at least me personally – take more. Like maybe I will actually be able to take more punches by any opponent, ‘cause we went through this. And maybe that’s the point.   
_Don’t be a pussy_ through and through.   
It also makes me feel like I should finally take matters into my own hands. 

\---

It’s one of those days, when Chris is actually going out with some colleagues after dinner. I am stretched out on the bed, newest English lit homework sitting right in front of me, almost falling asleep, when I hear the front door slam shut.   
Instantly I’m fully awake again. This is my chance, and I don’t know when I will get another one.   
Mom is sitting on the couch, watching TV while doing some knitting, of which Chris doesn’t approve – because _it’s pointless_ – but of which I’m convinced that it calms her.   
“Hey,” I say quietly waiting for her to turn around.   
She does right away, looks a little surprised actually.   
“Beth,” she says, her voice completely neutral. “What is it?”   
I smile honestly, slowly coming around the corner and sitting next to her on the sofa.   
“I wanted to talk to you about something.”  
She sighs before I even start, making me look down and take a deep breath. But she doesn’t say more, let’s me talk.  
“I …” Good thing I’m so prepared. Not. “I think we might have another shot with the police, mom,” I say, careful to not scare her, still, her eyebrows furrow. “I don’t think his friend works there anymore. And I thought-”  
“Beth, what the hell?” She backs off a little, looks at me as if I said something crazy. “How can you even talk about this? We should be thankful to have Chris in our lives. This is not what I want to hear from you. Can’t you be nice for once? Ever since …”  
“Ever since what?” My cheeks are burning up. “Ever since he beat me up the last time? Or the one before? Or when he hit you? Mom, do you even-”  
“Beth!” she cuts me off again. “You will not ever talk badly about him, is that clear?”   
I press my lips together, look away for a moment, before I look at her again.  
“Mom, it’s just not okay.” I swallow, feeling a lump in my throat. “Are you afraid?”  
She hesitates.   
Got her.   
“Why would I be afraid?” She chuckles as if I said something completely unrelated. “Chris and I love each other, Beth. Can’t you just leave us be? I know he isn’t your dad and that you don’t like him. And yes, he is angry from time to time. But we’re all angry sometimes. That doesn’t make him a bad person.”   
I sigh.  
“You can’t seriously tell me you’re okay with him hurting us?”   
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Beth.”  
“Dramatic?” I’m about to go nuclear on her, clenching my fists. What has he done to her? How can she be so utterly brain washed? “Mom, did you even see what he-”  
A loud sound outside makes me flinch. Hastily I jump up and ran to the window.   
“What the-”  
There are some bikers rounding up around Lawrence’s car. “Shit,” I say under my breath.   
“What is it?” mom wants to know. But instead of answering her, I run out of the room and out the front door.   
“Hey!” I shout when I see them breaking the car windows.  
“This'll teach that piece of shit not to mess with my family.“ One of them says.   
“What the hell!” I jump down a few stairs, wanting to intervene quickly. “Stop it!”   
“Woa, woa, nothing to see here. Just go back inside, okay?” the guy tells me, holding on to his baseball bat. The others keep trashing the car.   
“Hey! Stop!” I shout, ignoring the other guy and jumping on the one with the crowbar.   
He stops, confused. “Or what?” he says.   
I take a deep breath. And before I even think about it, I kick him in the chest. He stumbles backwards, widening his eyes.   
“What the fuck kind of kung-fu shit is that?” He storms up to me, angry.   
“It’s karate, idiot,” I tell him, taking my stance.   
But when one of the other guys pulls out a canister of gasoline and throws the stuff on the car, I’m not concentrated for a second so that the other one body slams me into the ground.   
The air is pushed out of my lungs for a moment, but I punch him in the face instantaneously, throwing him off me and kicking him in the stomach.   
“Stop that!” I shout at the other dude.   
The guy with the baseball bat also takes a step back.   
“Hey! Sons of Anarchy, I said we just wanted to send him a message, not burn down the whole block!” He looks a little shocked.   
“What the fuck,” I say, not believing this. But before I can say anything, the guy I kicked takes me by the ankle, making me fall to the ground. “Fuck you!” I kick his hand with my heel, but he is faster, making me want to punch the shit out of him.   
„Hey, what the hell are you doing?” Lawrence growls angrily, finally joining us. For a second everybody stops.   
Now baseball bat dude turns to him, grinning cockily. Proudly.   
“Consider this a message from Daniel LaRusso.“ He smashes the cars lights.   
Lawrence walks like he owns the place now – and he kinda does, it’s his car. He helps me to my feet quickly, then takes a stance between the other guys. And I join him. Then we kick some ass. Just for a second I wonder if I’m crazy. ‘Cause these are grown ass and strong men. But as soon as Lawrence holds down one for me, while he kicks the other, this is like it’s meant to be. And we kick and punch the hell out of the two guys.   
I do notice though, that baseball bat guy is holding back, even looking a little scared, clenching to his bat.   
“Hey, look, man, back up, man. I got a bat, man!”   
I snort. There is panic in his eyes.   
“Destroying property, but now you’re scared, or what?” I frown.   
Desperately he tries to hit Lawrence with his bat, but he takes it away like it’s childs play and the guy backs off further. “All right, look. Things got away from me, okay?” Lawrence takes him by the collar. “Just calm down!”   
“Where does Daniel LaRusso live?“ he demands, his fist ready to punch.   
The guy looks even more scared now. He knows he shouldn’t have done this. Idiot.   
“This is between me and you, it's got nothing to do with him.” He’s almost pleading now.   
Suddenly I see movement in the corner of my eye. One of the other guys got up, got a lighter in his hand. _God, no._ I jump, wanna take him down, before he has a chance to use it. Just for a short moment I feel like the world stops. I’m about to ram the guy, but he is faster this time, shoves me to the side, smiling satisfied. “Hey, asshole!“ he says to Lawrence. „Burn in hell.“   
He throws the lighter and the car lights up. Just like that. No chance. I back away, eyes wide. I can’t believe it.   
“Where does Daniel LaRusso live?” Lawrence is shouting now.   
The guy spits out the address and just a moment later Lawrence takes off with one of the motorcycles the guys came with.   
My mouth stands open, the car lighting up the hall. I close my eyes shortly, then I shake my head, stomping over to the baseball bat guy.  
“Call 911, right now!” I demand, making him do it right away. “And don’t you dare run away.” My fist is ready. I would not let him get away with this.


	11. Jump

**11 – Jump**

I don’t see Lawrence come back home that night or in the morning. His car, or what was left of it, has been taken by the fire department. It kinda hurt seeing it all burned down and just … dead. I am sure this old piece of crap must have meant a lot to him. But I hope he’ll just get another car from LaRusso – that guy was apparently his cousin or something – or something. The tournament is almost upon and we do need a reasonable sensei.  
I don’t mention any of that to the guys when I meet them in the park for training today. Yep, basically, extra training of our own free will. ‘Cause we’re gonna rock that tournament.  
“Hey!” I wave, because I’m a little late, but slow down when I see Miguel, Demetri und Aisha slumped down on a bench. Only Eli and Bert are actually doing some kicks and training. I look from them back to the others. “Huh? Did I miss something?” They all look kinda annoyed and I wonder what drama I might have missed here.  
“Miguel saw Sam with another guy yesterday,” Demetri – one of Miguel’s non-Cobra Kai friends – explains. “But I think he’s overreacting.”  
My eyes go wide.  
“What?” I blink. “I didn’t think Sam of all people would do that.”  
“Well, they had like family dinner together I think.” Demetri shrugs.  
“I'm not overreacting, dude. I know what I saw.” Miguel is visibly annoyed.  
“It's probably just her brother or something,” Demetri says.  
“Hm.” I sit down next to him. “How did they interact? Like… intimate?” I want to know.  
“No. But he didn’t look at her like a brother does either.” Miguel sighs.  
“All right, so you go over to this kid and beat his ass so he doesn't have the chance,” Eli proposes, I roll my eyes and Miguel does the same.  
But then I smile, patting Miguel on the shoulder.  
“Look, I know it sounds kinda basic but …” I shrug. “I think you should just talk to her. You know, communication is key.” I wink.  
Miguel lets his head sink.  
“Yeah, I guess …” He forces a smile. “Thanks, guys.”  
“Oh, that little bitch!” Aisha suddenly shouts.  
She had looked at her phone the whole time and now sat up straight.  
“What is it?” I want to know.  
Aisha hands me her phone. “You know that video I posted of me breaking that board? Look what Yasmine commented.“  
I swallow hard. 

Yasmine: _Impressive … can’t believe the belt made it around ur waste._

“What a bitch!” I agree. Who would say something like this? Was she still going to kindergarten or what? I can’t believe people. “You should block her, Aisha.”  
Aisha breathes heavily.  
“Nah, I gotta do something.” She shakes her head.  
Eli is all ears suddenly. “All right, how about we kidnap her and have my boy Rico tattoo ‘bitch’ on her face?”  
“What?” I look at him, not sure if I should be shocked of impressed by his creativity.  
“Calm down, Hawk,“ Demetri comments dryly and I kinda wanna high five him, but Eli sounds annoyed.  
“All right, I hear how you're saying it,” he says. “And I don't like it.“  
But Aisha already moved on. Has a better idea. She shows us one of Yasmine’s Insta-Stories.  
“Yasmine's throwing a birthday party at the canyon later?” Miguel is confused.  
Aisha smiles, looks at us. “Not if we strike first.“  
My eyebrows go up.  
“A party?” I grin. “All of us?”  
“Not only us. Everybody we can think of,” Aisha states, looks happy all of the sudden.  
I chuckle. Well, if this is the kind of revenge, we’re gonna have here, that sounds good to me.  
And this is also basically the best chance I will get, apologizing to my girls for being M.I.A all the time. A party! Me and them. Hasn’t happened in a long, long time. 

“Wait, wait. Are you serious?” Lydia is almost screaming in her phone. “You? Party?”  
“I know, I know.” I roll my eyes, fully aware that they can all see it through the video chat.  
“I thought you’re too busy with all the studying,” Jacky teases me.  
“And I am! But!” I hold up one finger. “This was supposed to be training but turns out it’s a party now. So, I am actually doing what I’m supposed to be doing.”  
The others laugh.  
“I’ll take it.” Malia smiles nicely. “Can’t wait to finally get together again.”  
“Thank you, guys. I really am, too. At least one evening of freedom sounds pretty amazing.” Then I shake my head grinning. “Being my very own prisoner and all.”  
“Well, I’m just happy you’re getting out at all,” Jacky comments, looking like she’s genuinely happy for me. I really can’t believe my luck sometimes with these girls. Because they are the freaking most understanding people in the whole world. I owe them. And today they will get a little bit back.  
“And don’t you worry,” I therefore say. “There’s gonna be your favorite booze and it’s gonna be for free.”  
Lydia’s eyes go wide.  
“Oh god, marry me!” With this we all laugh and then align on Lydia getting us with the car in an hour at Jacky’s place.  
And let’s be honest. I’m quite excited doing something other than training or studying for once. Sometimes I forget I’m supposed to do these teenager things. Enjoy life a little more. So, I gotta be living that life today!  
We arrive at The Canyon when it’s about to get dark and there’s already a whole bunch of people there. Most importantly the Cobra Kai kids, but I also spot that Yasmine girl – looking very, very pissed – and if I’m not mistaken her friend Moon – only remember her ‘cause that’s a pretty weird name. There’s a bonfire, music and everybody is holding filled up cups – supposedly liquor. I nod in respect for Aisha, who is dancing at the fireplace. I see Miguel, sipping on his beer annoyed out of his mind. And even Eli and Demetri are here.  
There is a weird feeling in my stomach, when Jacky bumps into my shoulder, grinning.  
Two worlds colliding.  
“Come on,” I tell them and go over to the Cobra Kai crew. Minus Eli who is happily making out with Moon, to which I hear Lydia behind me mumble something in annoyance.  
“Beth, you made it!” Aisha chirps happily and hands me a beer.  
“Of course! Thanks!” I also give a fist bump to the boys, getting weirdly hot in the face when I turn back to my girls, Jacky smirking at me. “So these are my friends,” I introduce awkwardly. “Jacky, Lydia, Malia.” I point at them, so they say ‘hi’ and then I turn to the others. “This is Aisha, Miguel and Demetri.”  
“Nice to meet all of you karate kids,” Lydia greets happily.  
“Oh, not me.” Demetri holds up his hands. “I’m just hanging with the cool kids.” He smiles proudly.  
“Sure.” Lydia raises her eyebrow. “Same.” Now she pats my shoulder.  
“You all want something to drink?” Aisha leads us to a cooler, takes out some more beer.  
“Oh!” I take off my backpack. “I also brought something.” Lydia’s personal favorite and some additional beers.  
“Thanks so much, Beth!” Aisha and I clink our bottles.  
“So, this is pretty neat,” Jacky says to Aisha approvingly. “Any special occasion or something?”  
“Nope, just good old partying.” Aisha looks over her shoulder to Yasmine, who is standing around a little lost. When she catches Aisha’s look, she actually comes over to us, which makes me step away.  
“Uh-oh.” Lydia hides behind me. “She crushed her party, right?”  
I nod.  
“I mean,” Demetri says, suddenly standing right beside me. “I tried talking to Yasmine, but she really doesn’t seem to like people. But by that standard I’d say it went pretty well.”  
“What did you say to her?” I want to know amused, but he just sighs.  
“I tried my best, is all you need to know. Don’t judge. I am not used to talking to females.” He’s shaking his head.  
“Uhm.” I frown. “You do know, I’m a female as well?”  
To that he laughs. “But you are a karate female, you’re part of the crew.”  
I smirk shoving his shoulder slightly. “Yeah, sure, Demetri. Thanks for the compliment.”  
When Yasmine is suddenly moving up on Aisha, I’m alarmed, but Moon and Eli approach as well and Yasmine must be aware of us being on Aisha’s side. She wouldn’t dare do or say anything, if she’s smart.  
“Hey!” She shouts. “You think it’s funny crashing my party?”  
“It's not really your party 'cause we were here first,” Aisha counters and I realize … this girl doesn’t need nobodies help. I smile to myself.  
“Yeah, well, I know you and your little karate gang think you're cool.” Yasmine is eyeing her, then Eli up and down. “But we all remember who you really are.“  
I raise my eyebrow at that.  
“You're just a fugly bitch, and your friends are all freaks.“  
“What the fuck!” I hear Lydia say before I can say or do anything. She stomps in front of us, staring Yasmine down, who backs away, turning to Moon. “Come on, Moon. Let's go.“  
“No, l'm staying,“ she says. Thank you, Moon, I think proudly. “I apologized to Aisha for what we did, and you should too.“  
“Whatever.” Yasmine stares at her friend as if she was a stranger. “You deserve them, Moon.” Then she stomps of, shoving Aisha out of the way.  
“Oh no, she didn’t!” Lydia is about to explode, having no chill for any kind of bullying, but Aisha is faster.  
“Hey, Yasmine!“ Aisha says, before she can get away.  
“Huh? What?“ Yasmine stomps back, head held high as if she was in charge.  
Aisha looks her straight into the eyes. “Let me help you to your car.” And my eyes go wide open, ‘cause I sure as hell did not expect what happens next. Aisha grabs Yasmine by her panties, pulling them up brutally giving her a front wedgy screaming “No mercy, bitch.”  
I slap my hands to my mouth, so does Lydia, while Jacky and Malia back away shocked.  
I turn around to them, my eyes wide open, holding in a laugh. We’re all speechless. In a good way.  
“That must have fucking hurt.” Lydia is holding her hand to her own pants but keeps laughing.  
“What a comeback,” Jacky admits. “Hey, Aisha.” She’s holding up her beer and clinks glasses with her. “That was damn badass.” 

“So.” Malia was the quietest one, maybe the most shocked. “Your karate friends are pretty badass, huh?”  
We walk along the water a little.  
“Yeah, how are we supposed to compete with that?” Lydia laughs, having a cup full of her favorite liquor sipping in peace.  
“I mean, you could always join us.” I wink, then shake my head. “But seriously, no competition. Sorry I’m spending so much time doing karate. It’s just really … empowering. Helps me concentrate and all.” I shrug. “Once the tournament is done, it’s gonna be a little more chill. Especially ‘cause the exams will be done as well soon after.” I sigh in relieve of that outlook.  
“Damn, girl, how do you do it?” Lydia wants to know, while Jacky stays weirdly quiet.  
“Uhm, energy drinks?” I laugh. “Seriously, I will lie in bed for a few weeks straight once summer starts.”  
“Or at the beach with us,” Malia suggests. I stop, look Malia right in the eyes for a moment.  
“Right!” I nod. “That’s an even better idea!” I sip on my own cup of vodka, starting to feel a little tipsy. “Imagine that.” I sigh. “Just lying on the beach all day every day.”  
“Well, I’m not gonna be there actually.” Jacky scratches her head, and my eyes go wide.  
“Did you get that internship?”  
She looks down, smiling. “Yup.”  
“Oh, wow!” I hug her instantly. “That’s amazing, that’s huge! That’s why we should have a party!”  
“Yeah, I actually can’t wait.” She takes a deep breath. “Me at JPL.”  
Lydia shakes her head. “That’s crazy. I’m sure you’re gonna end up being an astronaut at some point.”  
“Yeah, sure.” Jacky rolls her eyes.  
“It’s really, really cool,” Malia agrees. “And I guess we’re gonna be stuck with summer jobs in the valley, huh?” She turns to me and Lydia.  
“Oh.” I blink confused. “I haven’t really…” Then I nod. “Yeah, I guess I should.”  
“You know, we need to save up some money, if we’re gonna wanna have our shared apartment next year,” Lydia explains, grins with a satisfied smile. “Well, some of us might have already gotten a job at a beach club.”  
“No way!” Alright, I’m officially jealous. I was thinking more working at the mini mart or something.  
“Maybe I can get you guys in?” Lydia shrugs.  
“Ugh, I’m gonna help out at my dad’s place,” Malia admits. “Office job.” She rolls her eyes.  
“Well, we’re gonna make it work,” I promise. And with that we all hug.  
“Yes, we will!” Lydia screams and we all gulp down our drinks.  
Suddenly the crowd of people goes “oooooowwwwwww!”, which makes me and the others turn around.  
“Oh my god, we missed the drama!” Lydia is up and running, us following her.  
I blink confused when I see Samantha LaRusso on the ground, Miguel and another guy helping her up.  
“God, you asshole!” Samantha shouts, not letting Miguel touch her. “What the hell was that?” I watch Miguel carefully who looks at her apologetic.  
Oh, no. I swallow. _I hope he didn’t …_  
“My dad was right about Cobra Kai. Good luck at the tournament.” She backs away. “I won't be there.“  
No way. I hold my breath for a second. _What did you do, Miguel?_  
The other guy looks Miguel straight in the eyes, but says nothing, follows Samantha instead. That might be the boy they were talking about earlier, huh?  
“Sam!” Miguel just shouts, doesn’t make a move. “Sam, wait!”  
I run over to him.  
“Hey, Miguel.” He doesn’t turn around, just watches Samantha leave. “Hey, what happened?”  
He throws his arms up, groaning.  
“I’m an idiot is what happened!” He runs a hand through his hair in annoyance. “Fuck!” He kicks a bottle.  
I try to pat his arm, but he just pulls it away, shaking his head. “Whatever.” He curses under his breath.  
“Hey, Miguel!” Eli is also at his side, but Miguel just shakes his head.  
“Just leave me alone, will ya?” And then he walks off. 

The party is starting to die down after that. _The fun is over, huh?_  
“He’s gonna be fine!” Lydia hugs me, when I keep looking for Miguel. Lydia just stays there, being her usual awkwardly-hugging-everybody-self when she is drunk.  
“Yeah, I know.” I sigh. “It’s just … we could have taken him home, you know. We’re neighbors.”  
“He’s gonna get home just fine.” Lydia smiles happily, as if she didn’t have a care in the world. I hold her up a little more than I should have to, but I can feel her being heavily leaning on me. Now I smile to myself.  
“How many of those did you have?” I want to know, pointing to her cup.  
“Uhmmmm.” She thinks for a while. “Four?”  
“Four?” My eyes go wide. If that was all heavy liquor, ugh.  
“You’re one to talk!” She rolls her eyes. “You had three beers and some vodka.”  
“Well …” It’s true that I feel a little drunk-ish, but it’s not that bad. “You know I can drink more than you ever can.” I laugh, but Lydia just grunts.  
“I’m totally …” She wants to take a step, but sways dangerously.  
“Girls?” I shout, getting Jacky and Malia’s attention who were just talking to some other Juniors I don’t know. “I think we need to get her home.”  
To that Jacky grins widely, when they come over.  
“Wow.” She’s shaking her head. “Haven’t had one of those nights in a long time.” She takes one side of Lydia, me the other when we walk up the short hill. Malia gets the keys out of Lydia’s pocket.  
“It was a fun night,” Malia comments, getting in on the driver’s seat of Lydia’s car.  
I look out the window, once I’m sitting as well. “It was …” I say thoughtfully, hoping Miguel is fine. 

Malia drops off Jacky and me at Jacky’s place and drives to Lydia afterwards. I take my bike home from Jacky – who lives just a block away – as per our usual approach. I’m a little wobbly on the bike but have been riding it home drunkenly enough times to feel confident doing so. I’m kinda happy, letting my mind wander, for no reason. I actually wanna check in on Miguel, but I get distracted when I see a car that I haven’t seen at our place before. A Dodge Challenger. I put the chain on my bike and walk around the car, a grin on my face. So that must be Lawrence’s new car. What a catch.  
I’m about to go on home, when I change my mind. I don’t feel like going home just yet. I never do.  
For a second I fear he might already be asleep, but then I hear the TV when I’m in front of his door and just knock. A moment later a very grumpy looking Lawrence – yeah, remember Mr. Grumpy – opens the door. I smell the beer right away, looking over his shoulders I see some empty cans on the table and on the floor.  
As soon as he spots me, he grunts. “What do you want?” Wow, he is very grumpy. He blinks, seeming a little disoriented.  
“Oh god, how many did you have?”  
“What do you want, Beth?” Okay, more annoyed than drunk.  
I freeze, feel like this is actually the worst possible moment for me having knocked at his door. But then I take a deep breath and smile weakly. Having a little too much confidence for my own good.  
“Are you up for sharing some of that beer?” I ask, to which he squeezes his eyes shut a little.  
He seems to think about it for a moment.  
“One …” He reconsiders, holding up two fingers. “Maybe two.” Then he stops short, sniffs in my direction. “Wait, you also smell like booze, what the hell!”  
I smile sheepishly. “Yeah, so why not keep going?” I shrug. “I could take some more.”  
It’s not that I need to get drunk, but I do feel like getting a little more off the edge, just forgetting about going home. Letting my thoughts drift away a little further.  
He stares at me another moment.  
“Ah, fuck it.” He steps to the side, letting me in. “But two beers, max!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I REALLY want Beth to start calling Johnny Johnny.... but she's just not there yet. And she has all the control over this story! Hahaha :D


	12. So I came to the window

**12 - So I came to the window**

We’re already down four cans each, when I remember that Lawrence insisted on two.   
But he keeps going, still having a shit load of cans laying around.  
“Why the hell did you get so much booze anyways? And all for yourself?” I have to concentrate to not slur my words now. But I am able to. So I’m good. It’s fine.   
We’re hanging around on his couch, the TV blaring some eighties movie about some pilots or something.   
“Just don’t ask so many questions, will ya?” He slumps back in his seat. “I thought we agreed on quiet drinking and watching.”   
“Duh.” I look around. “It’s just … Why is it so clean in here, like you actually cleaned up the place, but then there’s all the beer? Like, that’s so confusing. You cleaned up and then? Mayor life change?” My eyes go wide. “Was it the car? Do you know what happened? Oh yeah, you were there.” I shake my head. “But I saw the new car. Looking neat. Dodge Challenger, huh? That’s lucky. Did you get it from LaRusso?”  
“God, shut up!” He closes his eyes, looks like he is in pain.   
I back off, realizing that I did talk way more, in way less time than usual. Damn me and the alcohol.   
“Why are you even here?” He takes another sip, looking at me now.   
“Uhm …” I also take another sip. “Didn’t wanna go home yet?”   
Suddenly he looks a little concerned, a little less drunk.  
“Did that asshole-”  
“No. Nope, actually not.” I shake my head quickly. “It’s just very …” I can’t find the right words. “Very cold and awkward and quiet at home.” I shrug. “So, spending more time away is always the better option.”   
“Hm.” He takes another sip. “You mean getting drunk with an old drunk idiot was the better option, huh?”  
I chuckle.   
“Always.”   
He groans, leaning his head to the back of the couch.   
I’m also getting sleepier by the minute so for a short while we’re both just staring into the nothingness, silently, but each holding a beer can in our hands.   
“LaRusso is training my son.”   
My eyebrows shoot up. Lawrence sighs, like he regrets saying it out loud. Telling me of all people. I swallow.   
“You have a son?”   
He gulps down the rest of his beer, then closes his eyes, maybe pretending I’m not there.   
“Yeah. Robby.” He stays quiet for a while, but I wait patiently, ‘cause he doesn’t seem to be done. “I just found out. Has been training him for a while it seems.”   
“Karate?” I want to know just to be sure.   
“Yup.” Another sigh.   
Wow… training with another teacher when your actual father is a sensei. That must hurt.   
“So, Robby is living with-”   
“Yeah, he’s living with his mom.” Now he takes a deep breath, opening the eyes but staring at the now muted TV. “It’s my fault. I was never there. Never took my time with him. He doesn’t even wanna talk to me.” He shrugs, reaching for the next can of beer. “Shouldn’t be surprised really.” Suddenly he’s looking at me. “But LaRusso? Really?”   
I swallow, shaking the beer can in my hand. I’m at the end of the line, shouldn’t drink the rest or it won’t end well.   
“Maybe he actually did it on purpose?” I suggest. “Just to spite you?”   
“Huh.” Lawrence frowns surprised. “Maybe you’re right. Haven’t thought about that.” He rubs his face with one hand, looking very exhausted all of a sudden. “Maybe that’s it.”   
Then he is staring, seemingly into nothingness, lost in thought.   
I feel out of place now. Gulp down the beer against my better judgement. I’ve intruded enough, I should go, give him the space he needs.  
Without another word I stand up, sway for a second, blinking once, twice to regain my focus. But then I freeze, tasting a sour taste in the back of my throat. Oh god, no. I put a hand on my mouth. No, no, no, not here. But there it is, everything coming up. _Fuck._  
I run for the bathroom. I haven’t had a drink in so long. Why did I think I could just take it? _I’m a fucking idiot._  
I’m throwing up before I can stop myself. The room is swaying around me. Wow, reminds of being in here with my concussion. Only, it’s so much more embarrassing. I hope, I pray that he’s just fallen asleep, or else he will make fun of me for weeks, maybe even give me a new nickname. I really am a fucking pussy.   
Just when I’m about to go for another round, I feel his hand on my back, him getting my hair out of my face.   
_What the actual fuck?_  
But I can’t even question it, it’s all coming up again.  
Then I hear him laughing.  
“Ew! This is fucking disgusting!” He’s doesn’t stop laughing. “Don’t tell me you’re puking from a few beers? You’re a pussy after all?”   
“I also had vodka earlier,” I counter, breathing heavily. Holding back more puke to come. “Can’t you just let me suffer in silence?” I croak out these words, slumping to the ground. He flushes the toilet.   
“Well, you didn’t let me suffer in silence either. So, you can suck it up. But not quite literally please.” I have the eyes closed, can’t see his face, but I know, I just know, he’s smirking.   
“This is way more embarrassing than your sad ass story.”   
“I told you, you should only have two.”   
“But you didn’t stop me,” I complain, sitting back up, leaning my head against the wall now. My stomach stops clenching, hopefully having got rid of all the shit in there. “You could’ve stopped me.” I look at him accusingly.   
“No way.” He grins. “You drink, you know your limit. You gotta take care of that shit on your own. Got it?”   
I sigh, forcing a grin on my own face.  
“So this was a lesson, huh?”  
He raises an eyebrow.   
“Nah. I didn’t even think about it.” He’s watching me for a while. “You done?”   
I want to say yes, but I’m not sure, so I say nothing.   
At this he gets up, rummages in the little closet below the sink. He takes out a bucket and hands it to me.   
“Go, sleep it out on the couch. But don’t you dare puke anywhere but into the bucket.”   
I blink, questioning this.   
“Or do you think it’s a good idea to get home drunk like that?” He shrugs. “Do as you like.”   
I leave my head hanging, nodding.   
“Thanks.”   
“Yeah, sure. Come on.”   
I look up. He’s reaching for me with his hand, which I take, feeling the world turn around me spinning, hold myself steady at the sink.   
Lawrence is chuckling, laughing at me again.   
“You gotta work on that alcohol stamina, Missy.” He leads me back into the living room, steadying me more than I want to admit. I’m almost too sleepy to listen to his teasing. “Was actually nice not drinking alone for a change.”  
Did I hear that right?   
Or maybe I’m already dreaming.   
He would never admit something like that to me.   
But if he did. Does that mean we’re like … friends? 

\--- 

Today is the day.   
I take a deep breath before I put the note on the table. Mom will be home earlier than usual today, before Chris comes home and if I’m not mistaken, early enough for the tournament. She was very obviously avoiding me this week. Even though I really needed to talk to her. But maybe this note, about me inviting her to the All Valley Tournament, will actually work, if she reads it at all. And it might sound a little cheesy, but it would actually really make me happy, having my mom there, showing her what I can do.   
I close my eyes for a moment, before I put it on the table. Then I grab my stuff and lock the front door behind me. 

The last week before the tournament has passed so quickly, I feel like I’m dreaming, as I stand in front of the large hall. My heart skips a beat when I realize how many people are here. Some participants, yes, but also spectators. A lot. I knew that this is a public tournament, but I did not expect this crowd. Actually, I had wanted to learn karate to defend myself from Chris. And now I was supposed to fight in front of an audience? Ugh. „You alright?“ Aisha is beaming besides me.   
I swallow.   
“A lot of people,” I say.   
“I know right.” She laughs. “Can’t wait.”  
“Yeah, totally,” I agree obviously not convinced.   
“Come on, it’s gonna be fun.” She pats my shoulder.   
I stand in front of the entrance with the usual suspects. Miguel throws a few punches, very angrily, because he might just still not be over the break-up with Samantha LaRusso.   
“Where’s sensei?” Eli wants to know looking around.   
“He said, he was gonna get something and then come over.” I shrug. “No idea what.”   
I saunter over to Miguel, who ignores me.   
“Come on, Miguel,“ I say. „Don’t you wanna talk about it? At all? I’m sure-”  
“Just leave me alone!” He doesn’t even look at me.   
"Okay, look, Miguel. I know it's awesome to put that anger in your fists and dish it out," I explain hesitantly. "But for the tournament, you need to be focused. And if you talk about it, maybe we can-"   
“I said, leave me alone, Beth!“ Now he’s looking at me. With a cold look that makes me flinch briefly and sends a shiver down my spine. I shake my head. Damn teenage drama.  
“Hey! You guys ready?“ Lawrence is now walking over to us, a large sports bag slung around his shoulder.   
“Great, let’s sign up,” Miguel mumbles.   
„Not yet.“ Lawrence looks us all in the face shortly. “There's one more lesson I have to teach you.”   
With that we follow him inside where he gathers us up in a circle. He looks around, saying nothing for a short while. I smile, looks like he’s getting ready for one of his speeches. And sure enough, when I meet his eyes next, he inhales.   
“You've all learned to strike first, to be aggressive, not be losers.” He walks around inside the circle we’re standing in. “I've taught you to strike hard, put every ounce of your power behind everything you do. But I haven't taught you the third rule of Cobra Kai...” Again, he looks everybody in the eyes for a moment. “No mercy.” He looks specifically at Miguel and Eli. “The older you get, the more you're gonna learn that life isn't fair.”   
Oh no. He’s going there. I swallow. The thing with his son must’ve gone way under his skin.   
“You wake up one morning feeling great, and then life throws a spinning heel kick to your balls. Takes a big steaming shit in your mouth. You get an F on a test. You get suspended. You get punched by some asshole.” He’s looking at me. He’s talking about me. Quickly I look away. “You fall in love with a girl, and some other dude comes and steals her away. Your car gets set on fire.” There it is …   
“Just when you think things are going good, everything falls apart. That's how it goes. Life shows no mercy, so neither do we.”   
Again, I swallow. This is dark … but it’s also the goddamn truth.   
“We do whatever it takes to keep our heads above water. We do whatever it takes to keep moving forward. We do whatever it takes to win!” He’s yelling these last few words and I can’t help but feel the energy behind it. I smile. “Remember who you are. You're badass. You don't give a shit. You kick ass. You're Cobra Kai.”  
“Cobra Kai!” Miguel screams and we shout our agreement.   
Sounds a little over the top, but damn, it feels good.   
“All right, guys, let's get down there and kick the shit out of everybody.”  
Miguel is hastily taking out his gi, when Lawrence stops them.  
“No, you’re not wearing those.” He grins happily and reaches for his sports bag.   
He opens it, setting it on the floor. “ A tournament calls for our colors, for our power."   
He reaches into the bag and get’s out a black gi with yellow stripes the Cobra Kai signet on it. Short sleeved like the one he is always wearing.   
“Badass!” shouts Eli.   
And I have to admit, it really is damn badass. 

I smile to myself, when I put on the gi in the chaging room. Crazy. I shake my head and can't believe for a moment that it's me looking back at me in the mirror. In this outfit. I can almost believe I'm a karate fighter now. And if I’m not mistaken, I even discover the beginnings of muscles on my upper arms. I laugh out loud because this is a totally banal discovery.   
„Badass, right?“ Aisha says, joining me in front of the mirror.   
“Hell, yeah!” We high five and then take our stance with the rest of the group.   
I’m a little nervous, because we aligned on having a kind of a great entrance. While the announcer introduces the other participating karate dojos, we get in line and before he can announce “Cobra Kai”, we jog into the hall.   
I have to pull myself together for a moment, forget who I was before and admit that I am damn proud to be part of Cobra Kai. Because together we shout in unison "Cobra Kai! Cobra Kai! Cobra Kai!" which is infinitely awkward at first, but then becomes more and more natural. People start clapping and I look out into the crowd, spotting Jacky, Lydia and Malia after a brief look, clapping and shrieking enthusiastically as soon as we spot each other. I suppress a laugh, just keep yelling "Cobra Kai!". Still, I continue to scan the crowd, trying not to miss anyone as my voice grows quieter. Because I don't spot mom among the spectators.   
Why I'm disappointed in the first place, I don't understand myself. Because what had I expected? Despite everything, my gaze continues to fly over the bleachers as we line up in front of it. My stomach tightens uncomfortably. Like an idiot.   
"And finally, fighting unaffiliated from North Hills, we have Mr. Robby Keene."   
Only after these words do I finally take my eyes off the spectators. Robby Keene? Like Robby Robby? Like Lawrence's son?   
Lawrence is stunned momentarily, and I also spot und watch Robby Keene’s entrance, looking at his dad, who is confused as hell. Oh no. Shit just got serious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uhm, yeah. Haven't heard back from you guys in a while.   
> Maybe too much of the main story? I hope this isn't getting too boring on you! 🙈


	13. They always wanna kick you when you're down

**13 - They always wanna kick you when you're down**

Miguel is the first participant from Cobra Kai, getting ready on the mat.  
Lawrence whispers something to him, and when he hits his opponent with the infamous crane kick, I know what it was. Lawrence grins proudly. This was just to spite LaRusso, who is also part of the audience. And surely, as soon as I spot him, I see both him and Samantha looking annoyed, talking. I smile to myself. Lawrence does know how to kick ass.  
But then I start to get nervous. Because I’m third. And it’s soon my turn.  
My hands are wet when I step onto the ‘battlefield’. My face feels hot and my heart threatens to jump out of my chest. I briefly look to my girls on the bleachers, who all give me thumbs up and watch me enthusiastically. Then I take a deep breath. I got this. I trained for this. This is my moment. Not only to show it to the world, but also to show myself what I’m capable of. Because I am not a pussy, I am not weak, never again.  
We bow. I take my stance, take another deep breath. And then it’s almost as if it happens automatically. I fight a guy with a blue outfit. His first strike is just a little faster than mine, which is why I counter instead, taking advantage of the lack of defense. Suddenly I’m behind him, he’s about to turn, when I hit him with a kick in the chest. He backs off and we stare at each other panting heavily.  
“Point!” The referee points to me, waves a flag. My eyes go wide. I did it. My first point.  
Next round his comeback is hitting me in the very first second, when I don’t expect it. I go down to the floor for a second, too stunned to react.  
He gets the point.  
I take another deep breath.  
This time I’m onto him right away, he blocks, blocks again, then I block him and finally hit his chest. He’s panting, looking angry. Annoyed even. Why? Because I’m a girl?  
My point.  
Next round he start with a kick, that’s supposed to land in my face. But I’m so short. I smile, duck, kick him instead in the side of his face.  
Done. Point. Won.  
I freeze, when I realize I did. Huh? How did I do that? I look at my hands, catching my breath. Then I look up, see the girls cheering and ultimately I look to the other Cobra Kais, who also cheer.  
Wow.  
I smile wide. I could definitely do that again.  
“Not bad, Missy.” Lawrence nods when I go back, standing beside him.  
I nod back.  
Not bad indeed.  
The whole thing is crazy. We chant and we shout “No mercy!” all the time. Almost all the Cobra Kai students are winning their fights. Getting ready for ne next round. Bert is the first to go down, having an opponent that’s way taller and beyond his league. I swallow, wondering when I will face one of those. But no matter. I will fight to the end. I’m not a pussy. And this is so fucking liberating. I could do it all day.  
The next round will qualify us for the quarter finals.  
My opponent is one of the black-and-white dudes this time. And I know from watching that they’re big on their jumps. Okay. Got it.  
Instead of running onto him right away, I take a step back, avoiding his attacking jump and kick as expected. I give him a round house kick. And then, when I got him on the ground, a punch to the face. Point! I hold back a smile, don’t wanna get too cocky, nod instead, when we start the next round. This time he starts punching several times in a row right away, all of which I block.  
“Enough defense, go, go, go!” I hear Lawrence shout.  
He’s right. With the next block I go in, let him think he’s got me getting a hold of me, when I swipe away his steady leg and slam him to the ground with my elbow. Another point. I try to catch my breath. Ignoring the tingling feeling in my fingertips. Alright, another one, and we’re done.  
I nod again, but my opponent is starting to get obviously angry, his stare basically wanting to kill me. I prepare, step back for his first jump, but after the first, there in another one and this time he hits me right in the face with his foot. I’m on the ground, the world spinning. _Shit._ Inhaling slowly, I get back up on my feet, but I’m swaying, trying hard to keep my balance. It’s harder to focus now. Fuck, he really got me there.  
Next round I’m prepared to block, to counter, like six times in a row, but I can’t get a punch in and suddenly he grabs me, jumps and rams me back in the ground. For a second I can’t breathe, can’t get up. _Stupid!_  
He gets the point. And he gets the win.  
For a moment I just stay there, staring at the ceiling. So that’s it, huh? I close my eyes.  
“Hey, you okay?” It’s the referee. I nod.  
“Yes, sorry.” I sit up groggily, annoyed at the fact that I didn’t even make it to the quarter finals.  
But then I close my eyes, try to relax my clenched fists.  
This is okay. No need to beat myself up over this. This was not failure. I did my best.  
That should be enough right?  
A hand appears in front of me and it’s Lawrence. I look up and he stares at me and for a second I’m sure he’s disappointed. But then he smiles encouraging, helps me up and pats my back. “Not bad,” he whispers. “For missing a few weeks of training. But next time better, yeah?”  
I nod, not finding the strength yet to form words.  
Instead, I head to the sideline, where some of the other Cobra Kais – also out of the tournament already – are cheering the others on. Of course, Miguel, Aisha and Eli win in all of their fights. Figures.  
But when Aisha – I was sure she would make it to the semi finale – is out, she stomps away angry, not wanting to talk to anybody. So, I run straight after her.  
“Hey …” She sat down on a bench outside the tournament hall and I’m careful when I approach her. “What a shithead,” I comment, to which Aisha actually smiles a little.  
She takes a deep breath. “I was almost in the semis.” She sighs.  
“Well, you do realize that was last year’s winner, right?” I roll my eyes. “That kick was an asshole move. You would have got him.”  
“Yeah.” She lowers her gaze. “Whatever.”  
I sit down beside her.  
“Hey, it’s totally fine to be angry.” Carefully, I nudge her on the shoulder. "Would have liked to spit in that jerk's face, too. That was so lame."  
"You almost had him too," Aisha admits to me, smiling gently.  
“Let’s just do better next time, huh?“ I try on an encouraging smile, to which she follows suit.  
“Aisha …”  
I look up and spot Samantha LaRusso in the hall, approaching hesitantly. “You alright?”  
Aisha bites her lip, but nods. “Yeah, it’s fine. Just so close. That sucks.”  
Samantha nods. “You know, if he hadn't resorted to that sweep, you totally would have had him.“ She shrugs. “You fought very impressively.”  
Aisha squints her eyes a little, her facial expression suddenly changing. “I don't need your sympathy.“  
I can feel the atmosphere changing. Samantha was Aisha's friend for a long time, if I remember correctly, and Cobra Kai broke them up a bit. Therefore, I pat Aisha on the back once again, say „See you later?“ and leave her be.  
I am strolling to the restrooms to freshen up when I hear several running footsteps.  
"Beth!" three voices yell at the same time. Jacky, Malia, and Lydia run toward me and then fall into my arms one by one.  
"Oh my God, that looked so painful." Lydia looks me up and down. „You alright, girl?“  
I laugh.  
„Yeah, it’s fine. No worries.”  
“That was also absolutely badass,” Jacky comments, looking very impressed indeed.  
I shrug it off. “Just the usual.”  
“I mean, I knew it would be karate. But I didn’t expect it to be so …” Malia blinks, shaking her head. “Violent. You sure you’re okay?”  
I nod. “Really, it’s all good. You can put away so much more than you think."  
"But damn! When you did that kick to the face." Jacky laughs out. "That was so freaking crazy and badass!"  
I can’t keep from smiling. “It’s so great having you guys here. Thanks.”  
“For sure! We wouldn’t miss it for the world! Come here.” Lydia pulls me into another hug. "But wow, I don't actually ever want to have to watch you get beat up again. Even though it's so badass at the same time." She laughs. "Honestly, no one would have expected that six months ago."  
"Yeah, especially not me," I admit. "Actually, I never wanted to enter a tournament. But well. Felt good.“  
„Alright. Pee-break and then let’s see who wins this,” Lydia announces and runs off to the bathroom.  
“You will stay with the Cobras, right?” Malia wants to know before she follows suit. “We don’t have to save you a seat?”  
“Oh, yeah.” I nod. “But thanks.”  
“Sure.” She smiles brightly, which makes me blush a little. How can she always be so smiley?  
Before Jacky can follow the others, I lean into her. “Uhm …”  
“What?” she wants to know.  
“You didn’t happen to see my mom, somewhere?” I ask.  
Jacky looks shocked for a moment.  
"You told her about this?" She blinks in surprise.  
"Well, sort of," I admit. "I left her a ticket and a note before I left. I thought it was the perfect opportunity."  
"Oh, I see." Jacky smiles, but seems a little sad. "I haven't seen her anywhere, unfortunately. But I can keep an eye out?"  
I nod. Even though I know that this is already done. She won’t come.  
"Thanks, that would be super sweet," I say anyway, and then let Jacky give me another hug before I head back into the hall where the semifinalists have now lined up. And I'm just in time.  
Miguel now has to fight Stone, the former champion. I gulp, stand next to Lawrence, and clench my hands. If anyone can do it, it's Miguel.  
We cheer him on, but to be honest, I feel like he got this. Miguel is a natural and last year's champion has no chance. Miguel's kicks and punches are on point. Easy.  
Instead of focusing completely on the fight, I catch myself looking around the room over and over. Idiotic. Of course, she's not there.  
The next match gets a little more exciting. Eli vs Robby.  
I watch Lawrence look at his son intensely, and there's certainly more emotion on his face than he'd like to admit. Still, he tells Eli to give it his all. Robby is the opponent now, not Lawrence's son. Still, I have a bad feeling in my gut.  
Eli jumps on the ring like he owns the place, smiling cockily. Sometimes I still can’t believe that he was once that kid that was bullied all the time. Like he is a completely different person. Maybe even a little too confident nowadays.  
Despite Cobra Kai being known for striking first, it’s Robby who strikes first, letting Eli back away surprised. Not bad. But when Eli slams him to the ground, finishing it off with a punch to the chest, he stands no chance. Point for Eli. Still, I’m intrigued to see, what he learned from LaRusso.  
Second round. Suddenly LaRusso jumps up from the bleachers, turns to Robby. “Remember what you learned, Robby!” he shouts and Robby nods in agreement.  
So, what did he learn? Robby breathes in deeply, even closing his eyes. Breathing exercises? I snort. _Okay, good luck against the Hawk, dude._  
Well, at least he seems super focused now, blocking all of Elis punches and kicks and then striking, getting his point. I’m just a little impressed. In contrast to Eli, he seems totally calm and composed and thus got his point. Good for him.  
Before the next round starts, they mumble, Eli being visibly irritated. Uh-oh. What is he doing? Suddenly he goes after Robby, who has his back turned. And then … _God, no, please don’t._ But he can’t hear me thinking.  
Eli is kicking Robby in the back of his shoulder, before anyone can do anything. I slap a hand onto my mouth in disbelief. He shouldn’t have done that.  
Right away he is disqualified. Robby on the ground holding his shoulder in pain. Shit. Lawrence runs over to his son immediately, but Robby tells him off. His father looks hurt and I suck in my breath. _Shit, shit, shit_. Exactly what he did not need right now.  
“What the hell were you thinking, man?” Lawrence goes off on Eli, who’s visibly confused.  
“What was I supposed to do, be a pussy?” Eli retorts, not seeing the point.  
Lawrence is speechless, watching his son go off stage, looking as if he was in pain himself, and I’m also shocked. That just … that wasn’t okay. At all.  
Suddenly the mood shifts.  
Robby moves on to the finale and there is a break. The team scatters. Lawrence is gone all of the sudden and Miguel starts discussing with Samantha. I go after Eli, who proudly hands out high fives.  
“Hey,“ I give him a smile, so he holds up his hand for another high five which he doesn’t get from me.  
“What?” He wants to know frowning.  
“You do know that that wasn’t okay, right? Not only against the rules. But attacking someone from behind?” I shake my hand. “Now that’s a pussy move!”  
“What the hell?” Eli backs away. “He was provoking me! He was being the pussy, not me. Did you see him go down? That was hil-”  
“That was sad.” I’m crossing my arm. “Sad watching you be proud of yourself.” I shake my head. “To hell with that pussy-crap. In a tournament you should try to win fair and square.”  
“What the fuck, Beth, we’re a team! Why are you on his side?” He comes closer, so I back away a little, not wanting to catch an angry fist with my face.  
“Yeah, we’re a team. But that doesn’t give you the right to act like a child.” My voice is a little louder, a little angrier than I want it to be. “It’s just not okay to punch somebody like that. That’s straight up violence at this point. Do you want to make Cobra Kai look bad?” I swallow as I see his eyebrows wince. Suddenly I regret my words. Do I even have the right to just say all that? I am only a year older than Eli and I’m treating him as if I have any right to lecture him. I sigh. „Look, Eli-“  
“Don’t fucking call me that!“ Suddenly he’s right up in my face, his fists clenched.  
I just stare at him. Holding my breath for a moment.  
“You think, you’re better than me, ‘cause you live a little closer to sensei and you get special treatment?” Eli is breathing heavily, pushing me, so I hit the wall right behind me. I know it’s him, just him, little Eli. Still, I freeze, being pushed like that. Pushed into a corner. “Just go fuck yourself, Beth!”  
I swallow hard, somehow expecting his fist in my face any second now.  
I can feel myself shaking all of the sudden, finding it hard to breathe. He won’t just hit me. I know that. Still, I’m going numb.  
“What the hell?”  
I hear Lawrence before I see him.  
Suddenly Eli is backing off me. “Go back. And don’t you dare talk like that to your teammates.”  
“But she-”  
“Quiet!”  
I don’t look, but I can feel Eli staring at me.  
I look straight ahead, steady myself with the wall in the back, trying to catch my breath.  
_Fucking shit._ I don’t say it out loud. But I hate feeling so threatened, without having a reason to. Fucking Chris. He fucked me up.  
“You okay?”  
I don’t look at Lawrence. But I nod. He has enough going on. So, I close my eyes for a second, then smile and finally looking him in the eyes. “All good.”  
“Thanks, Beth, for talking to him.” He’s shaking his head slowly. “That’s my job. I just …”  
“I know.” I smile a little more. “Robby is gonna be fine,” I say even though I can’t know that. “Miguel wouldn’t …”  
“I know.” Lawrence looks back to the stage, where people are gathering again.  
So we both go out, hoping for a better finale than semi-finale.  
Eli and I keep our distance.  
The announcer is excited, introduces Miguel and Robby again, but stops short when one of the organizers whispers something in his ear.  
„Daniel LaRusso's gonna coach?” The eyes of the announcer suddenly almost seem to pop out of his head of excitement. “Daniel LaRusso is gonna coach! Robby Keene will now be fighting for Miyagi-Do Karate with former champion Daniel LaRusso as his sensei!”  
Huh. I look at LaRusso, who is nodding proudly, rolling up his sleeves. That’s a development. And Miguel seems not amused at all.  
Lawrence and LaRusso exchange some words and Lawrence is visibly agitated.  
I take a deep breath, when they finally part and the boys get ready on the mat. Already when they bow, I can see that Miguel doesn’t have any respect left for Robby.  
I swallow hard, because the hatred on his face scares me.  
Despite his injury, Robby wins the first point, making Miguel even more angry.  
“No mercy!” I hear Aisha shout.  
“Remember the pitching machine. Don’t get hit.” Lawrence tells him.  
I should cheer him on, but I find myself not being able to form words.  
_Please, just please don’t let the anger get the better of you, Miguel,_ I think.  
I hold my breath when Miguel gets the next point, hitting Robbys injured shoulder in the process. Robby is now visibly in pain and I wonder is Miguel is gonna take advantage of that. That’s how he could win. But there wouldn’t be any honor in fighting like that, fighting dirty. I know Miguel is better than that.  
So, when he does concentrate on Robbys shoulder, I squint my eyes shut. I can’t watch this.  
I hear LaRusso ask for a timeout, checking on Robby, while Miguel comes back to the Cobra Kais nodding proudly, so angry, he looks like a different person. When I catch his gaze, I just stare, feeling nauseated.  
The next round starts, and Robby is breathing deeply, focusing. Silently I find myself rooting for Robby, which is all wrong, being a Cobra Kai, but … he deserves a real fight. A fair fight. He doesn’t deserve this pain.  
He starts off with blocking every single one of Miguel’s punches, until he is out of the ring. This gives Miguel the chance for a comeback, but Robby evades him as good as he can. Then, when he’s seemingly pushed into a corner, he gets up on one arm an … _holy shit!_ He kicks Miguel with both his feet, while standing on his one arm. I blink surprised. That’s one hell of a kick. Damn. I turn away, so nobody sees me smile to myself.  
Shit. I really need to stop rooting for Robby.  
He has the manners of wanting to help Miguel back up on his feet, which he doesn’t take, instead he pulls Robby on his sleep, gets backlash from the referee. I sigh.  
_Why, Miguel, why?_  
Where did the sweet boy go, that I loved to hang out with?  
Even the crowd starts screaming “boo”. This is not okay.  
Lawrence is getting up on the stage, talking to Miguel now. He must know right? That this isn’t okay? He must tell him.  
When Lawrence gets back to the other Cobras, he looks … disappointed? His expression is off, gone is his confidence and I wonder why.  
I sneak up to him.  
“He won’t … he won’t fight dirty, will he?” I ask.  
Lawrence takes a deep breath. Shakes his head, but neither says something, nor looks at me.  
I clench my fists.  
They fight again.  
And for a second I can see Robby win this.  
But then the situation shifts. Miguel is taking advantage of Robby’s injury … again.  
I see Lawrence shaking his head, but Miguel ignores him. He takes the hit. Got him.  
Miguel won.  
Cobra Kai won. We won.  
Suddenly everybody is cheering. Everybody but Lawrence and me.  
I have a bad feeling squeezing my chest. I need to get out of here. 

I don’t need to wait long for Jacky and the others to join me at Lydia’s car.  
Lydia is screaming happily.  
“You guys won!” She’s jumping up and down. “That was crazy.”  
I give her a half smile, trying my best. “Yeah, I guess we did.”  
“Woa, woa, woa. What’s with the face?” she wants to know. “Why are you not happy? Why aren’t you celebrating with your team?”  
I look down. “I just …” Hesitant I scratch my head. “Can you just get me home?” Suddenly I just wanna be as far away as possible from here.  
“Is it because you didn’t win yourself? Wouldn’t have thought you so competitive,” Lydia suggests when she starts the car, but I shake my head.  
“I suppose it was about the way he won, huh?” Malia smiles weakly, which is why I nod.  
“Yeah, it was kinda …”  
“Yeah,” Jacky agrees as well.  
I shake my head. “Maybe karate isn’t my thing after all.”  
“Wait, you want to stop?” Jacky frowns. “You got this far. You shouldn’t.”  
I close my eyes. Finding myself more disappointed than I should be. I really couldn’t believe that Miguel of all people – sweet, innocent Miguel – would do this.  
When did that happen? It’s like I don’t know him anymore.  
“Can we talk about that another time?”  
“Sure,” Jacky keeps looking at me, seemingly worried. But I don’t say another word.  
“Well, I’m still very proud of you, sis,” Lydia says, kinda oblivious, which feels good in many other ways. I would love to be in her head from time to time.  
She drops me off at the usual corner from which I walk for fifteen minutes, the first time in a while relieved to come home, just wanting to go straight to bed. Suddenly I’m very exhausted. 

The lights are on, when I open the door. I remember the note and wonder, if mom even read it.  
“There you are,” Chris says once I enter the hallway, already expecting me. I swallow, while I walk to my room under his gaze, but he just doesn’t look away. “Karate girl?”  
I hold my breath. So, they did talk about it.  
My mom comes out of the kitchen as well, eyes me up and down.  
“You serious?” she wants to know.  
“What?” I’m confused.  
“Karate?” She shakes her head. “How did you even get into that?”  
“Uhm …” I sigh. “I’m super tired, can we talk about this tomorrow? Please?”  
“No,” Chris snaps. “We’re talking about this right now.” He crosses the arms over his chest. “So, you’ve been sneaking off for that shit? Could have had a job instead, you know? Help out a little?”  
I swallow. “Well, I wanted to be able to defend myself,” I snap before I can stop myself, looking Chris straight in the eyes. I’m too tired for this.  
He grins.  
“Defend youself?” he teases. “Really?”  
“Yup,” is all I manage, considering the anger that’s rising up inside me.  
“Against whom?” He rises an eyebrow.  
I take a few deep breaths, look at mom shortly, who avoids me, then look at Chris again. “Against you,” I say, straight up, not even really thinking anymore. No more sugarcoating. “’Cause I’m not gonna take that shit anymore.”  
Chris snorts.  
“What? You think you can hit back now?” Shaking his head, he’s still laughing, then stops as if he is realizing something. “Wait … Is that why? That drunk dude? Are doing karate with him?“  
“He’s my teacher, yes.”  
He’s licking his lips now, nodding slowly.  
“You know, he’s not home right now. Is he? Not here to help?”  
I take a step back.  
Is he threatening me? Or am I going crazy?  
He’s getting a step closer, I’m taking another one back, hitting the wall. For a moment I just freeze. No matter all the stuff I learned. I can’t move.  
But then I do.  
As his fist hurtles towards me, I automatically pull my arm up, blocking him. I open my eyes in disbelief and he stares at me just as surprised. He's about to try again, but I'm fast enough this time, too.  
I'm fast enough!  
I don't have to be fucking afraid of him!  
Without really realizing it, I'm closing in on him. And when my fist hits his stomach, he flinches, even groans. I stop, so does he, and suddenly my mother grabs me by the shoulder.  
Beth!“ she shouts shocked. Her eyes stare at me, almost as if in panic. She pushes me to the side.  
For a few moments nobody says anything. I’m panting and Chris is breathing heavily.  
“Out!” is what he finally says.  
I look at my mom then him, then back to my mom.  
“What?”  
“Pack your things and go.” It’s mom saying this to me. Her voice cold as ice.  
I want to throw up right here and now.  
Instead, I kinda go limp, having to breathe deeply to hold myself up on my feet.  
“You …” I don’t even know where to start. “What …”  
“You heard right, you ungrateful bitch,” Chris hisses, holding his stomach as if in pain. _Fucker!_ He doesn’t even know what pain means. “Pack your things and don’t you dare come back.”  
“But …” That can’t be right. He can’t just do that. _They_ can’t just do that.  
I’m still looking at mom.  
Pleading.  
“Just do as he says!” This time she can’t even look me in the eyes. “I don’t want to see you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for all the kind comments on the last chapter!  
> I didn't really want to make you feel like you HAD TO say something, because you really don't. I was just worried you might have gotten bored or something. 🙈  
> But I am very happy, you're enjoying this story as much as I do! 😊 Means a lot!


	14. What the fuck have I done?

**14 - What the fuck have I done?**

I’m numb.  
I’m numb when I pack the most important stuff, that I can fit into the tiny travel bag I own.  
I’m numb when I’m standing in front of Lawrences door again, not daring to knock this time.   
I’m numb when I call Jacky, who promises to be right there.  
I’m numb when she hugs me, we she asks me what happened.   
But I can’t give her an answer. I can’t even get a word out.   
_What just happened?  
What the fuck have I done? _

\--- 

For the next two weeks, I bury myself in schoolwork. I don’t have the capacity to think about anything else. I don’t even go to Cobra Kai. I don’t go anywhere but to school and back to the mattress in Jacky’s room. Her mom is super nice, much too nice maybe even. But I love her for that. I love the mom of someone else, great.   
When I tell Jacky what happened, it’s like I’m telling the story of another person. Like I was not just thrown out of my own home. She wants to do more to help. I want to do more to help myself. But we really don’t know what. I can stay at her place another few days, until school ends. Afterwards Jacky leaves for JPL and her parents leave for a big summer vacation.   
And I have no idea where I will be going. 

I’m about to fall asleep on some workbook, when my phone makes a sound. 

From: Johnny Lawrence – 9:18 p.m.  
 _Look, I’m cutting you some slack, cause I know you are into that schoolwork shit and it’s the end of term. But I expect you to come back next week._

I take a deep breath.   
“Who’s that?” Jacky wants to know right away.  
“What?” I say. “I can’t get a text message from someone?”  
“Well …” She grins. “Usually only I write you text messages. And you know… I’m right here. I’m not that desperate.”   
I roll my eyes.   
“It’s Lawrence.” I shrug. “Wants me to come back to Cobra Kai next week. I guess I will.”  
“Uh, sounds good!” She smiles. I know she’s worried about what’s gonna happen to me when she’s gone. We haven’t really talked about it.   
“Uhm … I guess I’ll ask around then. Maybe I can stay at Miguel’s or something.” I give her that encouraging smile that will relax her a little.   
“Oh, sounds like a good plan!”   
Maybe that’s just it. Maybe that idea is my only option. 

From: Beth – 9:27 p.m.  
 _Will be there._

\--- 

I have to admit, when Jacky and her parents leave me at the strip mall, I’m about to tear up.   
I hold it all in, when they hug me, when they want to make sure that I definitely have a place to stay and pretend that I do. I just smile and nod and say that’s it’s all gonna be fine.   
But once their car leaves, I’m suddenly lost. I have no idea if Miguel and I are even on speaking terms. What the fuck will I do, if I can’t stay with him or with Lawrence for that matter – as like a last resort?   
I run around the corner, so nobody from Cobra Kai sees me, when they come for training.   
I take some deep breaths, run a hand over my face, calming myself somehow.   
It’s gonna be fine.   
I’m gonna find a way. 

„You made it, huh?“ Lawrence says when he spots me coming into the dojo purposely a little after the first students.   
“Yup.” I nod gratefully. “Thanks for giving me that time off.”   
“I hope it was worth it.” He wants to look me in the eyes but I avoid him, nodding.   
“Yes, it went well, thanks.”   
„What’s with the stuff?“ he asks, pointing to the bag in my hand.   
I swallow.   
“I slept at a friend’s place.” Not a lie.   
“Ah friend, huh?” He grins. Wow. He really feels chatty today, huh?   
“Yeah, like a girlfriend.”   
“Oh, girlfriend. Nothing wrong with that.”  
“No, not like that. I mean a girl that’s also my friend.” I shake my head, half grinning. “Whatever. I’m just gonna put my stuff up front, if that’s okay?”   
“Yeah, sure.”   
He slips into his office, while I get changed in the small bathroom, taking a deep breath.   
This is gonna be good. Karate will give me the distraction I’m desperately in need of right now.   
I join the others shortly after and hesitantly approach Miguel, Aisha and Eli.   
“Hey.” I wave my hand, put on a big smile.   
“Hey!” Aisha is beaming but stays in her spot.   
When Eli and Miguel turn around to look at me, their faces darken.   
Eli's eyebrows draw together, and he crosses his arms in front of his chest, not saying a word.   
„Hey.“ Miguel sighs, not really looking at me at all.   
I swallow.   
“Uhm …” Aisha looks from them to me. “We were missing you at the winners party and after the tournament you just vanished. When you didn’t return to the training, we thought you might have actually quit.”   
“Oh.” I look at the floor for a moment, swallow again inconspicuously. "Sorry. There was something going on at home and I had to get back. And the last two weeks I really had to give it my all with the exams, with Senior year coming up and all. But uhm …“ I smile at Miguel. „Congrats! You were really good. Hell of a match with Keene!“   
Eli snorts.  
“Yeah, sure.” He’s shaking his head at me. “You didn’t seem too happy at the time. Not sure you’re a Cobra Kai after all.”   
Anger rises in me. The boy can't take any criticism. I briefly open my mouth for a comeback, but then I realize that I don't have the patience to get upset right now. Fuck it.   
„Thanks, Beth,“ Miguel says half heartly and puts on a fake smile. At least he’s not a dick.   
Aisha’s smile is full of pity now. She knows full well, that I lost my place in that little clique.   
Great. So, if I can’t stay at Miguel’s … what am I gonna do? 

I move to the back of the class, doing my stretches in silence, trying to get the carousel of my thoughts to shut the hell up. I think everyone is present plus a few new kids who must be new.   
When the bell on the door rings again and an older man enters, I look at him with irritation. But it's not just me who is confused, the others don't seem to know who he is either. When our gazes meet, he forces himself to a weary grin on his lips and when he looks around, he shakes his head.   
„Jesus Christ,“ he mutters, while looking at one of the new kids.   
I watch him move around the room and Miguel asks him what he wants there. An uneasy feeling settles in my stomach.   
He walks up to Lawrence and both exchange some mumbled words, Lawrence looking a little annoyed. But he changes his mind soon and finally starts the class.  
“Class, we have a visitor,” he announces.   
I’m still watching the old dude suspiciously. His face is like stone, he posture very straight and still.   
„This is Mr. Kreese,“ Lawrence introduces him. “He's just an observer.“ Then he looks at him seemingly a little vary. And I instantly wonder why. What relationship do these two have? “Pretend like he's not even here.”  
I squint my eyes a little. What’s up with that?   
“Mr. Diaz, warm them up,” Lawrence finally says, to which Miguel goes up front.   
“Fighting positions!“ he demands.   
Finally, some karate! I sigh relieved, feeling my muscles for the first time in days.   
“Front kick.” We front kick.   
“Forward strike.” We forward strike.   
“Side dab.“ We … Wait. What?   
Everybody starts laughing.   
But Lawrence looks at this Mr. Kreese, almost embarrassed. Could that be?   
“What the hell was that?“ He’s angry. I mean, he is seemingly angry most of the time. But it’s different right now.   
“We're just messing around,” Miguel admits amused. “We have eleven and a half months until the next All Valley.”  
“Yeah, besides, we already know how to kick ass,” Eli interjects.   
I swallow. Do they not notice the shift in Lawrence’s voice?   
“Oh, yeah, really, huh?” He says squinting a little. “So, you know everything. There's nothing left to learn, huh?”  
Out of nowhere Aisha starts laughing. Lawrence goes slowly over to her. Agitated.   
“What's so funny, Ms. Robinson?”  
“I'm sorry, Sensei, you just wouldn't understand.” I only see her from behind, but I’m sure she’s grinning widely.   
“Try me,“ he demands.   
„It's a snake-doo,” she says, then laughs along with almost everybody else. Like it’s an inside joke.   
Lawrence, obviously confused, swallows and asks: “What's a "snake-doo"?”  
A second later, all students are making hissing noises like a snake.  
My eyes go wide.   
God no.   
I wanna smash my head into something.   
_Read the room, guys!_  
“Quiet!” Lawrence goes instantly. Really loudly. Really, really angry. “5:00 a.m. tomorrow morning,” he shouts. “Corner of Fulton and Raymer.” He looks everybody in the eyes. “You don't show, and you're off the team.“  
My eyes go wide. Five fucking a.m.? I’m rolling my eyes. You gotta be shitting me.   
“Class dismissed.“  
I wait until the other kids are gone, kinda wanting to talk to Lawrence for a second, but when I go to his office, he’s talking to Mr. Kreese, looking up at me.   
“What do you want?” he’s still annoyed, very. “Class is dismissed.”   
“Uhm.” I want to ask him, but with Kreese watching me and with Lawrence being on edge, I just leave it be. “Never mind,” I say instead, take my stuff and leave.   
But where to?   
My mind goes blank.   
I take out my phone. First, I put in Lydias number. Then Malias. But I only stare.   
I can’t get myself to press the green button. It doesn’t make sense; I don’t make sense. Why can’t I just get over myself?   
I clench my hands together tightly, almost painfully.   
I just can’t. 

For a while I drive around aimlessly. Looking at a few park benches, but my stomach starts acting up as soon as I even think about it. I drive over to the beach, to the school. But it just doesn’t feel right, none of it. And maybe none of it ever will.   
Instead, I find myself the corner of Fulton and Raymer, when it’s already dark out.  
It’s a construction side. Nobody is here anymore. Which is weird, but right now also perfect.   
I could question this as well, but I feel exhausted, done with this day. I simply don’t have the energy for anything else. I try the container doors, of which most are locked. But I am in luck, when I find one that’s open. A small office, not much to it. But it serves the purpose. I guess this is where I’m gonna spend the night. Nothing wrong with that, right? 

My alarm goes off at 4.20 a.m. and I am just exhausted. My back hurts and sleep was hard to come by, sleeping in some kind of creepy abandoned place like this. But well. That’s just how it is right now. Gotta suck it up until I find a solution.   
I brush my teeth on a faucet outside and change my cloths, before anyone can notice that I was wearing the same things as yesterday.   
Lawrence arrives at 4:40 a.m. already. Fully awake and highly motivated it seems. I run back to my bike, trying to casually sell, that I was early and just taking a stroll.   
“Finally!” I say smirking.   
Lawrence looks at me a little confused.   
“You’re here early,” he remarks.   
I shrug.   
“The early bird catches the worm?” I propose, but he doesn’t answer.   
Instead, he watches me for a moment longer than necessary.   
“Haven’t seen you around at home much lately.” He’s looking into my eyes as if he knows something is up.   
“Just been busy.” I look away.   
For a second I wonder, what happened there. Before the tournament I was convinced we were starting to be real friends with each other.   
But now there is this unbreachable distance between us.   
Just moments later I hear the first kids arrive on their bikes. I look back up at Lawrence, but he’s already stepping towards the new arrivals. And he just stands in front of them, watching everybody gathering until 5 a.m. checking his watch a few times.   
Then he looks around.  
“Good. Seems like you all made it,” he notes. “Now roll up your sleeves.” He grins. “You’re gonna get a little dirty today.” 

I cannot believe that he is actually making us mix cement. Literally putting water, gravel and packets full of cement powder into wheelbarrows, mixing it with spates. This has nothing to do with karate, I conclude, shoving another bunch of cement into our mix. This is just to teach us a lesson. No explanations, just straight up making us work.   
For the first time, I’m not grouped up with my usual bunch, but instead work with Bert and Mitch. Which is fine. It’s fucking hot and exhausting. No time for drama and bad blood. I just want to get this day over with. I have bigger issues to solve right now.   
I sigh. Great time coming back to Cobra Kai.   
We all look up when there’s suddenly a truck honking. I swallow. It’s not just any truck. It’s a cement truck.   
No way … He wouldn’t …  
But he does. He wants us to climb in there. Because people started goofing off. Because the kids started relaxing after the tournament. Like that’s a bad thing.   
I cross my arms over my chest, shaking my head at Lawrence, watching Mr. Kreese as well. For some reason, I feel like he would have been more chill about all this, without this old dude on his side.   
“Sensei, we're sorry for messing around,” Aisha finally says.   
“We learned our lesson,“ Eli admits as well.   
“Get in!“ Lawrence insists, throwing down the ladder for us to climb in.   
Miguel takes a stance. “Sensei, this seems kind of dangerous. I mean, the fumes alone-”   
“Quiet!” It’s Mr. Kreese saying this, catching me off guard. What the …   
We all look at him now.   
„This man led you to the mountain top, and you question him?“ He comes closer. I look at him, unaffected. This man doesn’t have the right to demand anything from us.   
“Look at you. Look at all of you,“ he goes on. „I can't believe this pathetic pack of pussies competed in the All Valley and let alone won. It's an absolute miracle.“  
 _Asshole._  
I don’t say it out loud. I wish I would. But I won’t.   
“And who's responsible for that miracle?” He points to Lawrence. “Johnny Lawrence. The best student in the history of Cobra Kai. My student.”  
I swallow, blinking from Lawrence to Mr. Kreese and back again. No way!   
Now it all makes sense. The embarrassment. The tension. Lawrence is now a sensei himself, but he still wants to prove himself to his own sensei. I sigh.   
„I tell you I've never trained a tougher student in my whole life,” he continues. “So, if you know what's good for you, you better listen to every goddamn word he says.”  
For a moment everybody stays silent.   
Then Miguel steps up front. “I'll do it, Sensei.“   
Lawrence nods approvingly. Eli and Aisha follow suit.   
I cross my arms, shaking my head again. They can’t be serious. This is still fucking dangerous. I stare at Lawrence, disapprovingly. And when he catches my gaze, his eyebrows go up.  
“Go on in there, Beth!” He says it, like he’s disappointed with me. But what did I ever do wrong?   
“You’re kidding, right?” I hold his gaze, don’t move. “I wasn’t even involved in that stupid joke.”   
“What, you can’t keep up, girl?” Mr. Kreese is standing right in front of me now, feeling like he owns the world or something.   
I take a deep breath, grind my teeth together and look past him to Lawrence, who is looking at me expectantly. I shake my head again.   
And then, without a word, I climb into that stupid truck with the others.   
It’s super fucking slippery inside, which is why I slide in full body with the first step, covered to the neck in that shit.   
“Great,” I mumble, getting back up with Chris’ help.   
“Don't just stand there. You wanna get stuck?“ Lawrence shouts once the truck is filled up.   
We lean against the wall, trying to move the big barrel, but our hands and feet are slipping around, not doing anything.   
“Come on!” somebody shouts, “Come on!” I also mumble, leaning in with all I’ve got, feeling the walls of the truck already drying up.   
“All at the same time!” I say, and we’re starting to move at least a little bit in sync. Still, it doesn’t move for a while, until it finally does.   
I take a deep breath of relieve.   
“All right. There we go! There we go! A little bit faster,” Lawrence shouts from the outside.   
And then we’re finally moving this thing. Like hamsters in a wheel. Unbelievable.   
When Chris falls down, we help him up right away. When I do, Miguel and Eli help me back on my feet, despite our little dispute. We just have to keep pushing, no time to stop, no time for anybody to fall back. We got this.   
And for a while I can forget all of my other worries. 

“You should all be proud of yourselves. I know I'm proud.“ Lawrence splashes us down with a water hose after we get back out of the truck. I stare at him, giving him quite a death stare, still not thinking this was a good idea. “Your parents would be proud, too, if you told them what we did here today.“ He looks at everybody „Which we won't.“   
I smirk. „I wonder why,” I whispers. Lawrence looks at me shortly but seems to decide to ignore me.   
“You pushed forward like champions. Never stopping. Never being satisfied. Never giving up.” I don’t look at him anymore. “And if you keep pushing and keep moving forward, you're gonna go to places you never even dreamed of.”  
Everybody is all smiles and cheering after that.   
I’m wondering how I’m gonna get my cloths clean now. 

Again, I wait until the other kids are gone, before I approach Lawrence. Taking the only chance I see for myself right now.   
“Hey,” I approach him, but he packs up some stuff, not answering me. So, I just continue. “Can I do some more training at the dojo today? I could just drive over. Maybe even lock up, if you’re not going there today anymore?”   
He keeps ignoring me, until he stops, taking a key out of his pocket. But not yet handing it to me.   
“What was that earlier?” He wants to know.   
I frown.   
“What do you mean?”   
“I mean, why are being extra difficult? What’s the matter today?”   
For a second, I can’t believe he just said that.   
“What’s the matter with _me_?” I step back. “It’s _you_ who’s acting all differently since Mr. Kreese appeared. Like you have to show off to him or something. What kind of lesson was that today? Somebody could have seriously been hurt.”   
“You are doubting my methods?” No something is changing in his eyes. Like I upset him.   
I swallow, giving in now.   
“No, I’m sorry,” I say. “It’s all good. It was just very exhausting. Sorry.” I shake my head.   
Lawrence stays quiet, but hands me his keys.   
“We’ll come by later, just leave the key in below that stone beside the door, ‘kay?”   
I take the keys and nod.  
“Sure, thanks.”   
“You need a ride?”  
“I have my bike, thanks.”   
“We could-”  
“It’s fine, thanks.”   
_Actually. My parents threw me out. I’m kinda fucked. Can I stay at your place while I figure this out?_  
That’s what I could say. But I don’t.   
And I don’t look up, instead wait until he is gone.


	15. We just want your blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is going a little downhill now. 🙈
> 
> TW: For minor self-destructive behavior!

**15 - We just want your blood**

This next part is a little tricky.  
Instead of heading directly to the dojo, I ride the bike over to the mall, where I know I can get a copy of the key. This costs me most of the money I have left, but it’s invested in a roof over my head, a safe place to sleep. Worth it.  
When I get to the dojo, I’m worried for a second, that Lawrence is already there, that he notices that I just took off with the key. And maybe, just maybe, secretly, I want him to notice.  
But he isn’t there. I’m alone when I get in the dojo and I feel a wave of relieve. One that’s not as big as I thought it would be, but it’s enough to calm my mind.  
I put the original key under the rock outside the door and lock it from the inside with the copied one. For a moment I just stay there, take a deep breath, close my eyes. The familiarity of this place gives me peace.  
Hastily I put my bag in the furthest corner of the storage room I can get to. In the little bathroom I wash off the rest of the cement from my hair and my face, staring at myself in the mirror for a second. I look tired. I am tired. And lost.  
How is this supposed to work?  
Will I just stay here, until I get on with Miguel again?  
If not that, will I have to wait until Jacky comes back?  
Yeah, maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s how I have to do it.  
I still don’t even want to consider asking Lawrence. He did so much for me already. And now he has Robby on his mind and Mr. Kreese seems to influence him in a weird way.  
I close my eyes, trying to put these worries somewhere in the far corner of my mind. It won’t get me anywhere.  
Suddenly I hear the front do crack open, voices.  
Lawrence and Mr. Kreese.  
I run for the storage room, trying to be as quiet as possible, while I sneak to my sleeping bag.  
The voices are full, loud, joking?  
Carefully I snuggle as comfortable as possible into the sleeping bag, then just lie there. I want to eavesdrop, want to find out what’s up with this Mr. Kreese dude. But I only hear mumbling, so they must be in his office.  
I try harder to listen, consider sneaking back up to the door.  
But then I realize how heavy my eyelids are, how tired my mind.  
And before I can do anything about it, I’m drifting off. 

I always make sure to be out of the dojo before Lawrence comes in – or hide away as best I can until he goes outside – and before he closes up in the evenings. I also hide my bike at night, sneak out and then pretend to actually get there from home. Not the easiest task at times, when Lawrence decides to chill in his office half of the day.  
But I make it work. I have to.  
What is much worse, is me running out of money after a few days.  
I’ve got some materials for PBJs left, but I’m almost out.  
That’s why one of the evenings I find myself standing in front of the sandwiches in the mini-mart and try to think of the best way to hide one of them on me. Or several. I press my lips together as my stomach starts to growl and continues to do so for a few minutes. I swallow, take one of the sandwiches, and stare at it for a while. Then I put it back.  
Fuck. I just can’t do it.  
I stroll back to the empty dojo, where I hastily crawl into my sleeping bag. I just need to fall asleep quickly, then I won't notice how hungry I am. And maybe I'll find a solution the next day, or the day after that. Until then I can just suck it up. Not be a pussy. 

\--- 

“Miguel.”  
One of these trainings I throw away all pride that is left in me, and face Miguel, who hasn’t even looked at me, since the cement truck thing.  
“Hey,” he says, not really looking me in the eyes.  
We’re supposed to be sparring with a partner and I’m boldly trying to get to him, instead of his usual partners.  
He’s reluctant at first, then puts on a weak smile.  
“How are you doing?” he wants to know, which catches me off guard.  
We slap and block each other a little, just to warm up.  
“Oh, yeah, good, good. All good.” Maybe one or two of the ‘goods’ too much. _Dial it down, Beth._ “You?”  
“Yeah, it’s fine.” He sighs, I smile carefully.  
“Still no returned calls from Sam?” I ask.  
“Nope,” he admits. “I think, I should just give it up.”  
“She never talked to you again after the tournament?”  
He shakes his head.  
“Look, maybe it’s time to-”  
“I know.” He sounds angry, finally looking at me again. “It’s hard, okay?”  
I swallow.  
“Of course,” I say, but don’t know what else.  
We keep up the sparring, speed it up a little.  
“We’re gonna go grab some burgers after training later. If you wanna come,” Miguel suggests and my heart almost does a flip. Does that mean I’m back in? I don’t wanna overreact, so I just keep it cool.  
“Thanks, Miguel. That sounds …” I remember that I don’t have any money, shake my head. “Actually, I have to get to work after training. Sorry. Next time?”  
“Sure.” I’m still not sure if his smile is an honest one. But I hope I’m on a good path. 

It's one of those evenings when Lawrence has long gone home and I go to the bathroom once more to pee before going to bed early to forget that there's a hole in my stomach. But I flinch in shock when I see a silhouette standing in the dojo.  
Briefly, I gasp for air. Mr. Kreese is watching me, grinning like he always does.  
"Beth, is it?" he wants to know.  
I swallow, nodding wordlessly.  
„Late night training?“  
Oh god. He can’t know. He of all people can’t know. No fucking way.  
“Yup, need to catch up on the training I missed.” I’m lucky my leggings and shirt might as well be training clothes. “Just taking a leak and then doing some more push-ups before I go.” I can only hope that he believes me, that he can’t see the lies in my face.  
“Good, good. Catching up.” He keeps staring at me, the arms crossed over his chest. “Why did you miss training anyways? That’s not very Cobra Kai. How did you get Johnny to do it?”  
I swallow, look him straight in the eyes.  
“We’re on good terms,” I say, coming back in the room, crossing my own arms over my chest.  
“Like with the Latino kid, huh?” He smirks.  
“We’re all neighbors,” I explain, wanting to get him off my back.  
“I see,” he says, shaking his head, taking a few steps in my direct, eyeing me up and down. “Back in my day, you would be off the team already. I think Johnny’s going soft, huh?”  
I take a deep breath.  
“ _Johnny’s_ doing a great job here.” I keep standing there, having to look up to his face, the closer he gets. “And I ensure you, he’s not going soft on anyone.”  
“Johnny, huh?” One of his eyebrows in moving up. “Shouldn’t you be calling him sensei?”  
I sigh, finally evading his gaze.  
“Why are you here? I will be locking up after myself soon”, I want to know.  
He nods. Seems to get the point of me wanting to end this conversation.  
“Was just around and wanted to see if he was still here.” He shrugs. “I guess he isn’t. So I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
He keeps staring at me, like he’s trying to look behind the lie written all over my face. I keep staring at him, trying my hardest not to let it show.  
“Then I’ll see you tomorrow,” I retort.  
He nods, then turns around and disappears, making me take a deep breath.  
He could have found out so easily. I need to be more careful. 

\--- 

My head is killing me and just won’t stop for a few days in a row. My stomach keeps clenching, but at least I get to sneak myself some snacks here and there from some of the other kid’s bags or Lawrence’s office. But that’s it. And I can feel how the not eating is getting to me. My hands can’t stop shaking, but I try to hide it as best I can. Maybe I have to reconsider the stealing. I’ve also thought about the money in the office. It’s just that that would be even worse. Which leaves me here, not deciding and just having to deal somehow.  
A few days will be fine, right? Just gotta keep working on me and Miguel being friends again. We’re finally talking, as if we never didn’t. Which relaxes me.  
Still, I can’t get it over with, can’t ask if I can come over, just to get a chance to talk to Carmen. I am sure I could just knock at her door anytime, no matter my friendship with Miguel. But it’s just so damn hard to admit, that I am basically homeless.  
And I’m doing okay with what I do have. Right? 

At the next training, Lawrence pairs me up with Eli, which is why I look at Lawrence in irritation. But he doesn’t even notice, instead, makes us stand in front of the class ready to demonstrate one of our newly learned kick techniques.  
No biggie, really. But Eli still can't stand me since the tournament, his gaze is full of disgust every time he meets mine. He knows I won't let him get away with this crap, that I'll always say something if what he's doing isn't right.  
I take my stance, feeling my heart beat a little faster than I would like it to. Am I scared of Eli? No way. Lawrence gives the command. But instead of blocking the kick, I’m swaying, just a little, tiny bit. But that’s a bit too long. He kicks me right in the chest. No mercy.  
I go down, close my eyes.  
I hear Mr. Kreese snicker, which makes my blood rush to my face.  
Hastily I go back up, back into my stance. I can feel Lawrence stare at me but try not to let him know that I do. Eli grins, wiggling his eyebrows.  
“This too much?” he wants to know, to which I don’t say anything.  
Again, Lawrence gives his command. And I block, block the next kick. Take a step back, ready to counter. Then it’s my turn. Kick.  
But I kick nothing but air, he is faster, throwing me down, like it’s child’s play.  
“Fuck,” I curse, catching my breath.  
Suddenly the anger flares up in my, like an explosion I can’t hold down. I look up, look into Eli’s grinning face. And then I lurch at him, take him down. I throw punches at his face, that he blocks, but I don’t care, I just keep punching. Until somebody holds me back, takes me off him. Lawrence.  
“Let go of me!” I shout, fight to get free, but when he lets go, I fall back down to ground. Lacking the energy to hold myself up on my feet. I’m panting, clenching my fists, biting down on my lip until it’s bleeding. Suddenly I feel tears burn in my eyes like an idiot.  
_What the fuck. What the fuck is wrong with me?_  
I blink them away quickly.  
Only then do I notice that the whole room went quiet around me.  
“Beth?” I don’t dare look up when he says my name. I keep staring to the ground. “A word?”  
He doesn’t wait for me. He just goes on ahead to the office.  
Finally, I scramble up to my legs, swallow and ignore the stares.  
I follow Lawrence and he closes the door.  
Outside Mr. Kreese is shouting commands.  
Lawrence sits down at his desk, breathing deeply. Only when I finally look up slowly, I see him staring at me. Then he sighs.  
“What’s up with you, Beth?”  
I look back at him, take a deep breath, but I don’t say anything. I can’t. My head is throbbing, my mind is spinning.  
“Something happen at home again?” he wants to know, but I shake my head. “What is it then? What’s the matter with you? You’re not yourself as far as I can tell. And I don’t get it.”  
He squints a little. “Is it Mr. Kreese? Did he …” He shakes his head. “Just tell me, Beth. Let’s get it over with.”  
He keeps staring, I look away. I hear him sigh again.  
“Okay, tell me honestly, Beth …” He stops for a second. “Are you pregnant?”  
“What?” Finally, my eyes fly open in disbelieve. “Are you crazy? No!”  
He shakes his head, running a hand over his face. “I just don’t understand. What is it then? You know you can tell me. I helped you before, haven’t I?”  
I swallow hard. _I don’t want you to help me._ And I don’t even know why. My mind is a mess, everything is all over the place and I can’t help it.  
“I’m fine,” I hiss, the anger coming back up. “Can’t I have a bad day?”  
“But you’re having a bad few weeks now. Since the tournament.” He’s frowning now. “Do you even still wanna be here? Do you still want to be a Cobra Kai?”  
I don’t know why, but the words hurt. Deep down. Because right now Cobra Kai is the one and only place where I belong. Where I feel like I belong. My only home.  
“Of course,” I say hoarsely, less enthusiastic than I should.  
“Are you sure?” Now he stands up, walking around the desk and stands right in front of me. “Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like you’re committed at all anymore.” Now he’s looking down at me and it takes all I have to not look away. “And I need commitment. I need people giving their all. No slacking off. Not what you’re doing.” He frowns, eyeing my arms, my body. I can feel my hand trembling. “Also not eating again, huh?” My heart is pounding like crazy. “But you know, Beth, you know you need to work on the muscles for this. You know, that you-”  
“Fuck you, _Johnny_!”  
The anger pushes the words right out of my mouth. Like I lost control over my tongue for a second and there they are. I want to push them right back in, but it’s too late.  
Lawrence is taken aback, speechless for what seems like an eternity.  
My knees go wobbly, but I push through it, standing straight, being strong.  
Then Lawrence shakes his head. He’s disappointed. He swallows hard, looks away from me, then licks over his lips, contemplating something, that I can’t read in his face.  
“What was that?” he says.  
Like I actually didn’t say it. Like I pushed the words back in. Like I have another chance.  
He’s giving me another chance.  
It’s right there. Lying in front of both of us. I just have to take it. Just tell him. Tell him what happened, tell him how desperate I am. How my stomach hurts and how my head is killing me. And how it just doesn’t ever seem to stop. How there’s no end to this.  
But my mind goes blank.  
“I said …” It’s like somebody is taking control over my body, over my words. It’s not me, but it’s me, but it’s not. Am I going crazy? “I said, fuck you!”  
There it is.  
Lawrence nods. Then he walks past me, opens the office door, doesn't look at me.  
„You’re off the team. I don’t want to see you here again.”  
The words break me.  
But only on the inside.  
On the outside I just stay blank. Like this is normal, like this isn’t a big deal at all.  
Like I just didn’t ruin the best thing that happened to me in years. And I did it all on my own.  
What a hero I am.  
Everybody stares at me, when I walk through the training room. Everybody heard him tell me off. But I take the stares, like they don’t bother me. I take my shoes and walk right outside, don’t look back. Not for a second. 

Only when the door falls close behind me, do I run. Boy, do I run. I don’t even know where. I don’t know how long. I just run and run and keep running, until I break down. Until I can’t hold myself up on my feet.  
And then I punch my fist into the concrete. Almost enjoying the pain, that shoots through my arm.  
“What am I gonna do?” I whisper.  
Tears are running down my face, that I didn’t even notice before.  
I ruined this all on my own. Can’t put this onto anybody else this time.  
_What am I gonna do?_

What am I gonna do?


	16. You know we like you better in limbo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... This is rock bottom. 🙈
> 
> TW: Kinda unintended self-harm, self-destructive behavior and obsessive behavior and thoughts.

**16 - You know we like you better in limbo**

Everything feels numb again. 

I spend another night at the dojo. But I feel like throwing up just being at the place.  
That’s why I leave early in the morning. And then I just wander, leaving my stuff and the bike at the dojo.  
I don’t know where to go. Or where I am. But I just keep going. 

Everything is a blur. 

I don’t understand how everything got that bad. A month ago, everything – almost everything – was fine. Where did I go wrong? Oh, right.  
I told Lawrence “Fuck you!” that’s how.  
At some point I lie down in a random patch of grass and stare into the sky. A blue fucking sky, sun burning down on me. I close my eyes, drift in and out of sleep.  
_Time travel._  
I decide, that’s the only option now. Somehow time travel must be possible, right? Scientists are working on that shit, I’m sure. Maybe I just have to wait it out.  
I hold my breath thinking about all the moments I went down the wrong path. And how I could change them. My whole body is tense, like I’m feeling all the emotions of all of these moments again.  
And then, suddenly, I see it. Right in front of me.  
There’s really only one way, to get out of this. 

I run back to the dojo, run like hell, run as much as I can, until I can’t. It’s still early, so I actually slow down. I need the training to be over, need Lawrence to go home. So, when I reach the dojo a little too early, I just wait. Wait like a lunatic, that can’t keep calm, walking round and round and round in circles. Until I finally see his car leave.  
Then I go inside, take my stuff and find my bike behind the dumpster.  
I hop on and then I don’t ride the bike, I race it. I race it down the steepest hill possible, just to be faster than I’ve ever been before. _Yes! That’s it._ I need this adrenaline!  
I hurriedly pedal along the path that is far too familiar to me, that I have already ridden far too often.  
The lantern lights are dim, the sun has already set. I drive down the hillside, I usually avoid. It’s too steep, too exhausting. But right now, I’m not exhausted at all. _I am on fire. I am the queen of the world!_  
I take my hands off the handlebar. Scream out loud this feeling, that’s taking hold of me. The power. The energy, I’ve been missing the last few weeks. It’s all coming back.  
Until it’s suddenly all gone.  
The front wheel of the bike twists on the cobblestones. I can’t really grasp how I'm thrown over the handlebars and fall. And continue to fall. Further and further. Down the hill. I’m rolling. Fast, so, so fast. And I’m laughing. I’m just laughing. I keep on laughing when I finally stop, lying in the grass, hurting but not hurting.  
Just laughing until I can’t breathe anymore.  
I finally stop. Stare into the sky again. This time the night sky, with the stupid stars you can barely see because of the city lights. Disappointing.  
Suddenly my eyes are about to fall asleep without my mind falling asleep.  
_No! Not yet!_  
I get up on shaky legs, crawl up the hill, get back to my bike. My hands are trembling, my legs are trembling, I’m trembling. But it doesn’t matter. I have to keep going. 

I decide to walk, to push the bike, instead of getting back on, not sure I would be able to balance it. It’s not far now, and so familiar. Fucking familiar.  
Suddenly I’m freezing, after having spent the day sweating all over the place. But I’m not sure if it’s so much colder, or if it’s the fear creeping into my bones, the closer I get.  
The closer I get to home.  
If I can call it that anymore.  
I leave my bike at the front of the building instead of putting on the chain on the metal bar inside. My knees are all weak now, when I build up the courage to walk into the open hall.  
The steps are another kind of battle. One, that takes me a while.  
The lump in my throat is incredibly thick, almost choking me, making me short breathed.  
And then it takes me at least ten minutes to actually knock.  
First, I put my fist on the door, without actually making a sound.  
The light inside is one. I can hear them calmly talking.  
They are home.  
They are home, and I’m here. I’m here to make everything right. Make things the way they used to be. The way when things were not great, but okay. Okay is enough now.  
Maybe I should never have wanted more.  
I put all my energy in my fist then. Knock. Once, twice, three times.  
It takes a while until somebody moves inside, but I know it’s mom, when I hear her light steps. And I’m a little relieved.  
Preparing myself, I put on a smile. The best I can fabricate at this moment. First, she has a greeting, friendly smile on her face opening the door. But once she realizes it’s me, her face darkens. Hastily she comes outside, closes the door behind her.  
“What are you doing here?” Her voice is hushed, scared. I look her up and down right away, but she doesn’t seem to be hurt. At least it’s not showing.  
I swallow.  
“Mom …” My voice trembles.  
For a short second she looks me in the eyes with a certain warmth, seems to want to say something, maybe even reach for me, maybe she wants to hold me.  
I want her to hold me! I need her to. Or else gravity will wear me down shortly.  
“I said, I don’t wanna ever see you here again,” she hisses, avoiding my gaze now.  
I’m cold all over again.  
“Mom, please. I really-”  
“Stop it!” Her voice goes a little louder. She’s still more whispering than anything else. But it’s also a shout. “Stop it. Leave. Don’t come back, don’t knock at our door, Beth. We are done.”  
My lips quiver.  
“Can I do something? Anything?” Now I’m just desperate.  
“No.” She looks me in the eyes, finally. “You’re the one who fucked up. We could have worked everything out. But you’re the one who ruined this. And you know what? Chris is the one staying with me. I love him. He loves me. And I would choose him all over again, if I had to.”  
_And I would choose him all over again._  
The words echo in my mind.  
She chose him.  
My mom doesn’t want me.  
I almost break down right there.  
I feel it in my knees.  
But I can’t. I hold on.  
I open my mouth, but I don’t find any words. None.  
The world is spinning around me, like it wants to wear me down, wants me on the ground.  
She turns around, throws the door shut and locks it from the inside. Not looking at me once.  
She’s done. 

I can’t breathe.  
I can’t see right.  
I almost fall down the stairs.  
I walk behind the big trash cans downstairs.  
And then I sink down.  
I feel like crying, like sobbing, like dying.  
But I don’t. I can’t. I feel nothing, I feel it all. I am gone. 

\--- 

It must be late. Very late, sometime in the middle of the night.  
I faintly hear the beer bottle being thrown into the trash beside me.  
Then I see a shadow and realize, I never fell asleep. My eyes are open and I’m just staring.  
The shadow moves closer, hesitantly. I think it’s him. It must be him. Lawrence.  
He must be saying my name, but I can’t hear it. I can’t hear him say anything over the loud static in my ears.  
He takes one of my arms, slings it around his shoulder, makes me walk.  
“Jesus.”, “What happened?”, “I knew it.”, “God …”, “Talk to me!”  
At some point he says all these things.  
But I don’t know in which order, I don’t look at him. I don’t say anything. There isn’t anything left to say. I just stare. Into nothingness.  
At some point I’m sitting on his couch. It’s dark and he doesn’t turn on the light.  
I just sit there in silence. In darkness. Cold.  
Out of nowhere I feel something wet and soft pressed against my head. A cloth.  
I take a deep breath. Sounds suddenly coming back, too. Not many though.  
The humming of the fridge, Lawrence’s breaths.  
“I don’t like patching you up, you know.” He’s very quiet, very patient.  
Words are also coming back to me.  
“Then don’t.” It’s only a very quiet whisper. I close my eyes.  
He takes a deep breath, keeps on tapping my forehead with the cloths. There is a faint pain there, not really sure what from. Maybe from rolling down that hill.  
I expect him to say more. Something, anything. But he doesn’t. He sits on the couch table, in front of me. I can smell some beer and something smokey. He doesn’t smoke, so it throws me off a little. But I don’t ask. I don’t care. Not about anything.  
“Do I need to go over there again?” he wants to know after a while.  
“No. Don’t bother.” Suddenly I feel pain. But not in my head, not in my fist or anywhere at all. No, it’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Inside. I take a deep breath. “I need to go to the bathroom.”  
“Sure.” He makes some room, watches me carefully.  
My legs are still weak, but I manage to get there quickly. I close the door behind me, lock it.  
Walk over to the sink. I feel like throwing up, but there is nothing there. I want to throw up, get out the pain, that’s taking over my whole body, just get it all out. Like poison, that I need to get rid of.  
Instead, I look up, look into the mirror, into that sad, pitiful face. Tired, exhausted, weak.  
So fucking weak.  
What did I think would happen? What did I expect? Why did I even try?  
And why am I here?  
Why the fuck am I here? Of all places? Here?  
This is where I least want to be, but it’s also where I most want to be.  
I’m panting, holding tightly on to the sink. The world spinning. Everything hurting. Every ounce of my body. Like it’s filled with lead and needles. Piercing through every pore.  
How did this happen?  
My breaths are coming faster, it gets harder to control them.  
_Fuck, fuck, fuck._  
I look up again. Look into my face. Look into that goddamn, fucked up face.  
_Idiot, idiot, idiot._  
Something is building up inside me. Hate. Of some sort. Anger. I don’t want to see myself anymore. I just want this to stop.  
I don’t even realize what I’m doing.  
Suddenly the mirror is breaking apart, falling down in pieces. All over the sink and the floor.  
I try to catch my breath, almost choking.  
My fist just stays where it is. Pressing the last few pieces of the mirror to the wall. Red. The pieces are red. My fist is red. Blood. Running down my arm, running down the wall.  
The door flies open with a loud crack.  
I’m keep staring at my bloody fist. The pain from inside of me suddenly gone. All concentrated in my hand now.  
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Lawrence mutters, coming closer. “Beth …”  
This is it. This makes me move. I let go of the mirror reminders, take back my fist, stare at it, shaking. My fist shaking, my whole body shaking.  
Then I turn around slowly.  
Looking him directly in his eyes. His shocked and confused eyes. Worried. Conflicted. Devastated?  
He makes a step in my direction, holding up his hands, as if to show me that he’s safe, he’s not a danger.  
Then I stumble, my knees – finally – giving way.  
But he’s right there, catches me in his arms. Holding me.  
No. No, this isn’t right. I can’t just … I punch his chest, like I want to fight him off, but not really. I just punch, because I can’t let him hold me. Still, he doesn’t let go.  
I can’t. I …  
Suddenly it’s me grabbing him. Holding on to him like my life depends on it. My head pressed against his chest.  
The tears and the sobbing are there without me noticing.  
He’s holding on to me. Holding me steadily. Tightly.  
He puts his chin on the top of my head, one hand on the back of my head. Not saying a word. Just holding.  
And I just keep crying and sobbing and shaking.  
But he doesn’t stop me.  
He just stays.


End file.
